Monday, November 20, 2006

"If I Did It"

Associated Press (AP): Publicists for Empress Kukka-Maria are reporting the blogging celebrity feline is set to release a new book titled "If I Did It: The Story of Urine on the Carpet." In the scathing tell-all, The Empress outlines how she would have approached "taking that sissy" on the floor next to the litter box--had she been the one who did it.

Kukka's agent is outraged that her cat is looking to profit from what she is calling "a filthy hate-crime."

"While Kukka's criminal trial was thrown out, due to the fact the judge refused to waste time trying a domesticated animal, she was held accountable for the puddle in a civil suit to the tune of $100,000." Kukka's agent further explains, "I've not seen a damn dime of that money!"

While the public has been stunned that Kukka has turned down squillions of movie and television offers in recent months, several key Hollywood insiders have no problem publicly sharing their speculations. Said one source, who insisted we disguise his voice, even though this was a printed article, "I think she has made a strategic move to stop earning money. Kukka is known for being extremely passive-aggressive. Rather than do what's right to atone for her urinary malfeasance, it's not a surprise she would rebel in this fashion. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to the set of my very own television show I host called 'Anderson Cooper 360°'"

Lounging on the floor with a catnip biscuit at her side, a lit cigarette in her mouth and cradling a bottle of Johnnie Walker scotch, Kukka yawns and offers a weak justification. "My agent is just complaining because she had to clean up the 'alleged' urine. She is certifiably nuts! It's a simple case of projection. She is projecting her frustration over the itty-bitty spot of urine on the floor toward me. It was probably just a residual drop that fell when I...I mean when the responsible party left the litter box. She shouldn't get her panties in a twist because I got a book deal and she didn't. Maybe she should look at writing her own book. 'I Totally Do It: The Story of How I Never Buy Treats and Don't Give the Cats Food Off my Plate.'" Taking a long drag from her cigarette, she coughs and rolls her eyes, "Don't hate...congratulate!"

"If that little peeing bitch wants to play dirty," threatens her agent, "she just needs to bring it! Is she forgetting I am the one who provides her with food--and treats? What?! She said I don't buy treats? That ungrateful little cat!"

Judith Regan, the publisher who gave Empress Kukka-Maria her multi-million-dollar book deal, adamantly defends her controversial decision. "I want money. I want publicity. The only way to really do this is to hitch my wagon to Kukka-Maria. Not only is the urine spot the current hot story, one-tenth of Kukka's pre-pee popularity is enough to launch my career into high gear! Now that she's going to outline her strategy for peeing on the carpet--if she was in the business of doing her business on the floor, things are going to get big and fast!"

Regan, who is also conducting a two-part television special with Kukka, is sure the ratings will be extraordinary, despite the fact nine Fox affiliates have decided not to air the interviews in a show of solidarity. Said one Fox executive, "It's bullshit. This book and corresponding interviews are an insult to the carpet and a slap in the face to Kukka's agent. We refuse to support such a pathetic cry for attention."

"We are on the road to repairing the emotional damage this entire situation has inflicted. Kukka and I have finally gotten to the point where we can make eye-contact, but you can still cut the tension in the house with a knife. I hope we will get past this and be stronger for it." sobs Kukka-Maria's agent. Suddenly, with angry eyes, she continues, "But, if she continues to be difficult, I am not past prosecuting her for Urinary Tract Vandalism."

Kukka-Maria's brother, Brach Lee, could not be reached for comment. He was last seen hiding under the bed until all of this blows over.


The Meezers said...

was the box dirty? if it was, then a kitty should nefurr be held akountable for peeing on the floor. and by dirty, i mean efenn if there was one fing in there. - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Of course it wasn't dirty! I am really good at flicking everything on the floor when I'm done so the box stays clean.

And, Miles, the spot was so small you could hardly see it with a magnifying glass. In fact, I'm not even convinced it was urine! She's just a drama queen...

brandywine said...

Hmmm...going pee outside the toilet area is very "Tara Reid" Kukka, now that says Hollywood! (that is if it were indeed an infraction committed by you) Where was your agent when this alleged puddle was made? Hmmmmm?

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Brach...we're with you, man. When the heat is on with the females here, Max and I just stay out of the way.


Cheysuli said...

Kukka, I find it horrifing that your very own agent, the person who is there to serve your every need and whim is actually trying to take you to court. Has she no decency?

I think that if you didn't do it, you SHOULD have after this!

Renee said...

perhaps you should settle?

Kelly Cat said...

Fight it, Kukka, fight it! If it goes to trial, maybe you'll get Judge Ito. Have you been thinking about your Dream Team? Oh, and try to go easy on the human vices -- you need to be healthy to fight this at your best. Good luck, girl!

Anonymous said...

It sounds to me like your agent is having her monthly "visitor" right now!

Carmen said...

kukka, do we need to get you some depends? ;)