"I was so glad to see Kukka-Maria in person!" exclaimed an excited Kelly Clarkson (or one of those American Idol chicks) who took home "Female Vocalist of the Year." "I've always admired The Empress on her blog and but have always wanted to pet her. Tonight I just might get the chance!"
As Kukka exited her limo and launched onto the red carpet, things got a little heated between she and Sara Evans.
"I'm still skeptical of that bitch cat," explained Sara as she reached out and grabbed Kukka's tail with a firm tug, causing The Empress to turn, hiss dramatically, and swat with her claws fully-extended. "While I originally thought my husband was sleeping with the nanny, I've since realized it may have been a super-sexy feline. That skank better watch her back!"
While Kukka was asked to perform with several of the country music stars, she chose to go solo and sing her as-yet-unreleased, multi-platinum (based on pre-sales) hit, "I Told You I Didn't Knock Boots With Your Whore of a Husband, Sara Evans." The audience swayed, clapped and sang along with the talented feline.
"He told you he'd be faithful,
Be true forevermore...
But who knew he'd be cheatin'
With some two-legged whore?!"
After dominating the category "Favorite Singing Empress of the Year" (in which she was the sole nominee), a tipsy Kukka-Maria took the stage, exposed her multiple nipples, and passed gas on audience members in the first three rows.
"Oh, that Kukka!" laughed Brooks (or Dunn). "She is always good for a hoot and a half! I don't know what these awards would be without catching a glimpse of that kitty's hooters! Yeeeee-haw!"
Faith Hill, a long-time friend of Kukka-Maria, shared, "I think it's great how diverse Kukka is! She is involved in movies, television, print media, and music of all genres. She is an inspiration to us all. And, imagine what sort of CMAs she would win if she produced an actual single!"
A good night was had by