Wednesday, November 15, 2006

No Italian Wedding for the "O"

It's been tough writing this today. Not so much emotionally tough, but physically. Kukka is sitting on my front paws as I try to type this. Primarily, she is concerned that I am writing on her blog, but she also wants to make sure I tell this story accurately, while still making her look good.

I've never even seen "accurate stories" and "Kukka looking good" in the same room at the same time!

I am going to transcribe a phone conversation I overheard between Kukka and Oprah last night. While I know you would much rather hear Kukka's take on things, she promised Oprah she would not blog about it.

So SHE won't.

When I saw Oprah's number come up on caller-id last night, I just knew I had to be on the extension to eavesdrop! When Oprah comes calling, drama is sure to follow!

This transcript is written exactly as I heard it. Not only did I take notes throughout, I recorded the entire conversation. I know you are probably concerned that I might get thrown in jail for illegal wire-tapping, but I'm maintaining my actions were justified under the Patriot Act.

I suspect Kukka Oprah is a threat to our country.

Anyway, read what I heard after Kukka picked up the phone:



KUKKA: Go for Kukka!

OPRAH: Kukka-Maria? It's Oprah.

K: Oprah...Oprah...

O: Oprah Winfrey.

K: Oh, sure! I remember you now! I have worked so hard to purge you from my consciousness; it just took me a minute to figure out who you were. How are you, you vile and miserable bitch?

O: Are we going to go there, you ungrateful little cat? Can you never let things lie? I can't believe you would stoop so...

K: Just stop, Oprah. Clearly, you are winding up to say some pretty foul things about me and, while I'm someone who loves a good fight, it's all fun and games until someone hurts my feelings. Why are you calling me anyway, [whispered] you skank?

O: I want to talk about Tom and Katie.

K: You want to talk about how he had her fitted for the aluminum-foil panties that are worn by brides in all traditional Scientology wedding sacrifices...I mean ceremonies?

O: No, Kukka. More important. Did you get an invitation to their wedding?

K: Of course I did! Why do you ask?

O: Because I did not.

K: [Choking on her Vodka/Cranberry and trying desperately to stifle her laughter] You didn't? After he jumped on your couch and everything?

O: I know! It took my over-worked and under-paid assistant several hours to clean his shoe prints off the leather! It was exhausting for me just to watch her clean it!

K: Do you think your invitation could have just gotten lost in the mail? I mean Jada and Will were invited. Leah Remini was invited. I'm sure most of the popular Scientologists were invi...WAIT! Do you think it's because you are not a Scientologist?

O: I thought that, at first...so I immediately began my conversion to Scientology.

K: Conversion? Can you do that immediately?

O: No. I didn't know that at first, though. I Googled "Xenu," hoping to get a phone number or address so we could discuss it directly. I thought if I could just convince Xenu to let me be a quick convert, Tom and Katie could still get my invitation to me in time.

K: You know, Oprah, while your efforts are impressive, I don't think Scientology has anything to do with you not receiving an invitation.

O: What else could it be, Empress? I mean, I'm rich, famous, talented and rich! They should invite me for the gift alone!

K: See, now I read you were going to send a gift to them even though you weren't invited. In fact, in the article I read, you seemed pretty okay about not getting an invitation!

O: I said I was fine. I said I would be sending them a gift. Both lies. I am not fine! I will not send a gift! It was a public slap in the face, Kukka-Maria!

K: [Lapping at her Vodka/Cranberry] I think you should sue them.

O: Sue them? On what grounds?

K: You don't need grounds...you're Oprah-Mother-Fucking-Winfrey! What judge is going to toss your civil suit out just because there are no grounds for the case?

O: True...

K: Now here's what we do...

O: [Laughing hysterically]

K: Why are you laughing? I'm trying to help you and you're laughing?

O: No...no...no! I'm laughing because Gayle King, my best friend and sorta-lover, has taken two gummy bears and placed them in a position that resembles a sixty-ni...STOP IT, GAYLE! SERIOUSLY! I'M GOING TO SNORT YOO-HOO THROUGH MY NOSE IF YOU DON'T QUIT!

K: GROSS! Seriously! You two need to get some effing hobbies! Do you need my help or not, Winfrey? I have better things to do on a Tuesday night than listen to you play filthy sex games with innocent gummy bears.

O: Message received. Listen, I'm not going to sue them.

K: Fine, then! Take the high road. Know, though, if you decide to be "fine with it" in the media, that means you are not to call me back and bitch to me. If you have an issue with it, take it up with TomKat directly.

O: You're right, Kukka. I should have one of my assistants call one of their assistants and get to the core of the issue.

K: [Rolling her eyes] Yes. That is exactly what I meant.

O: Thanks, Kukka. I appreciate you talking me down off that ledge. More importantly, though, I appreciate you taking my call at all! Considering we have been off-again friends for awhile now, I wasn't sure if you would even want to talk to me.

K: I didn't. I don't. I never want to again.

O: That's just the liquor talking, Empress.

K: No, it's not.

O: Well, at least you will have fun at the wedding in Italy! I may still crash it. I'm undecided. It will depend if I can get a plane ticket there on such short notice. I mean, I can get one for me, but I don't want to make my employee entourage fly cargo...again.

K: I'm not going to the wedding. I said I was invited, but never said I was going to attend. Tom Cruise is dead to me.

O: That sounds about right. Kukka gets invited and believes she is too good to attend. I don't get invited and the tabloids swarm me to get the scoop on why I was not cool enough to be asked!

K: Well, if it's any consolation, Winny, I will be more than happy to take a few of your tabloid interviews off your hands. I would jump at the chance to tell them what a wicked witch you are and how Tom and Katie hate you. I would love to explain how Katie is scared of your monstrous hair and Tom was mad you tried to upstage him during his couch-jumping appearance on your show.

O: You had better not breathe a word of this conversation to anyone! Especially about the gummy bears! And I better not read about this on your blog, Kukka-Maria! It would take just one phone call to Animal Control and you would be history. Do you hear me? HIS-TO-RY!

K: Oh, I hear you loud and clear. I will not tell anyone. I will not grant any tabloid interviews. I will not blog about it.

O: Okay. Well, Stedman is beeping in. He probably wants to have sexual intercourse with me. BLECH! I know he's my "boyfriend," but I just don't like him like that! [Gayle in the background: "Word, sistah!"] I'll talk to you soon, Kukka.

K: Not too soon, psycho!



I don't think I could ever write for the tabloids. This stuff is just way too stressful for me! Damn it, Kukka! Get off me! If you want to do it yourself next time, don't make promises to The Winfrey you don't wish to keep!

Oh, but I do have to give you props, self-proclaimed alpha-cat. I checked your SiteMeter today and saw that someone came to your site by Googling "oprah winfrey not invited to tomkat wedding."

What is weird is it was 8.2 HOURS BEFORE WE POSTED THIS TRANSCRIPT!

Are you so good that Google anticipates your posts now? I really need my own blog...

10 comments:

Cheysuli said...

Kukka, when I heard that news about Oprah not being invited, I immediately wondered about you. I was certain you had an invite even if no one else did. However, I think it was rather thoughtless of her to just jump on the phone and chat with you.

Good job on the reporting Brach. I'll need a press secretary when I become president. Perhaps you ought to apply.

The Meezers said...

weddings are boring anyway - it's prolly a good fing you're not going

Carmen said...

If brooke sheilds is invited, oprah should've gotten an invite.

Kukka, i heard rumors that you're a bridesmaid. ;)

Kimo & Sabi said...

We think the next time Oprah visits Tom & Katie, she should jump on their couch!

Derby said...

Yeah Brach, I agree, you need your own blog. We don't hear enough from you. One of our own Gorgeous Gingers.

NOLADawn said...

Great reporting Brach :) Kukka doesn't need to go anyway, Tom would try to stalk her anyway.

Anonymous said...

OMG... you have a hoodie. that is exactly what is needed for A! Damn you are too funny. After reading this I can't even come up with a good comment...Well maybe...Damn Kukka, you are cracking me up!

Anonymous said...

Sorry you too Brach! We can't make Kukka's head any bigger! I won't 4 get you again.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Hello Brach...it's good to hear from you again. We were wondering if you were OK.

Thanks for the update on the eavesdropping. We figured Oprah would be asking Kukka for advice on a way to get a wedding invitation!

kailani said...

She wasn't invited? It's the least Tom could do after he jumped on her furniture with his shoes on! How rude!