First off, dear Britney, know that we will always be friends--no matter what. We do not have the shallow and superficial relationship that Oprah and I have. Well, our friendship is shallow. And superficial. But I think we can both agree our dysfunction is lasting, and isn't that what really counts?
Having said this, there are a few things I need to address with you. I understand how distraught you are with your K-Fed split-up, but you really need to learn how to maintain respect for others while you grieve. Out of respect for you, I would rather embarrass you here by spelling out some issues, than have them aired in the tabloids and embarrass the both of us!
While I enjoyed the meeting of the "Celebrity Break-Up Club" last night--and our raging slumber party (we missed you, Reese Witherspoon, although we understand how raw your emotions are at this time), there were some things that really chapped my tail.
- This wasn't the meeting of "The Other-Woman Club." Next time, quit bringing up names like Angelina Jolie, Denise Richards, Jude Law's nanny, Sara Evans' nanny, and Robin Williams' nanny within "The Celebrity Break-Up Club." Plus, eluding that I stole everyone's men and then following it up with a weak, "I'm just kidding..." almost got your eyes scratched out. And I'm not kidding.
- What were you thinking when you asked Nicole Richie to bring a dessert? I don't think anyone appreciated the ice cubes and cigarettes she shared. Well, no one except Lindsay Lohan.
- Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, who invited her? She has dabbled in breaking up with men, but to be a card-carrying member of "The Celebrity Break-Up Club," you really need to have had a very public split. Can you name even one of Lindsay's ex-boyfriends? Come on, Britney. You can't be so casual with the invites.
- Refusing Madonna's red string for your wrist because you've decided your children are your religion is a risky step to take. You know how passionate Madonna is about Kabbalah. Plus, when she offered to recreate the famous kiss from the MTV Video Music Awards of 2003 to make you feel better about your divorce, it was pretty rude of you to shout, "Someone needs a Tic Tac!" This woman can crush your career with her pinky if she chooses. And, let's be honest...your career isn't strong enough right now to fend off that sort of blow.
- When you got drunk (and that was quite early), it was a smidge inappropriate for you to sidle up to Paris Hilton and give her a lap dance. Expected, yes, but still inappropriate. We all know Paris is a big tipper, but she's pretty handsy and that type of behavior shouldn't be displayed in public.
- Asking Demi Moore if she'd lend you Ashton Kutcher for "rebound sex," sort of put an uncomfortable damper on the night. "Rebound sex...or at least a three-way, Demi. I'd be willing to share him with you if I had to." You could have cut the tension in the room with a knife! I still can't believe she agreed to a three-way!
- Judging Nicole Kidman's taste in men was pushing the boundaries a bit. "You married a crazy man who wears aluminum foil underwear to protect himself from Thetans only to leave him and marry a drunk! You're sure movin' on up, Nic!" Keith's in rehab, Britney! Have a freakin' heart! Plus, who are you to judge someone's taste in men?
- "At least I didn't marry a fag!" I don't think Liza Minelli appreciated your humor there. Or Lisa Maria Presley, for that matter (lest we forget her 1994 marriage to Michael Jackson).
- Throwing Cheetos, Fluffer-Nutters and Corn Nuts into Whitney Houston's hair "just to see if they stick" was cool, but she is full-on-gangsta and I half-expected her to take you down. Good thing she was hopped-up on pain killers or it could have gotten ugly.
- Offering to mediate between Jennifer Aniston and I was uncomfortable for both of us. While the tension between us around Brad is clearly present (due to the fact we've both been with him), our mutual disdain for Angelina is the bond between us that overshadows our dislike for one another. We didn't need your meddling. We didn't need your offer of "some swigs" of your 40 oz. of Olde English 800, either. Thanks for the offer, but you are notorious for back-washing.
- Drunk dialing Justin Timberlake is sad, Brit. Sad.
- Crank calling Christina Aguilera was fun, but pathetic. Yes, she seized the opportunity to release a successful album while you were self-destructing in the press, but can you blame her?
- When Madonna suggested adopting an African child would make you feel so much better, even if you thought it ridiculous, you should have just nodded and smiled. Laughing hysterically and pointing at her is never the answer.
- You probably shouldn't giggle while Madonna fields crank phone calls from the angry biological father of her newly adopted Malawian child. It's still a very sensitive topic for her right now.
I do have to admit, Britney, that you were also the source of some of the greatest moments of the night. We are glad you have finally seen the light when it comes to Kevin!
- "He's been living off of my money! So y'all are saying it's not normal to give your husband $10,000 per week for an allowance? Do y'all think he could have been a freeloader?"
- "Y'all...Popozao really sucks!
- "I just found out he's not even black, y'all!"
- "You should see how much it's going to cost me to de-stankify the mansion! The B.O. and dirty hair smell is downright dizzying! Plus, I think I'm probably going to have to give the kids baths to get his stank off them and y'all know how much I hate taking care of my children!"
- "Y'all, I'm missing about a dozen pair of my panties. I think Kevin might try to sell them on eBay! I hope his panty auctions don't shut out my own panty auctions!"
- "He never offered to pay me back for the wedding ring I bought myself! You'd think, judging by the ginormous gems hanging from his ears, he would have enough of the money I've given him to pay me back for my ring!"
- "Y'all, think I'm still going to have to keep up on visitation with his first two kids by myself? You know he won't step up unless there is money involved. I mean, why would he file for custody of Sean Preston and What's His Name (the new one) and not give two shits about his first two!"
- "I'm not going to miss kissing him with that nasty Cheeto breath of his! Or is that my breath bouncing back on me? Whatever, y'all. He's a troll!"
- "We're contractually obligated for a second season of our reality show, "Chaotic." Do you think they'll let us film separately like Paris and Nicole did for 'The Simple Life?'"
Britney, you will be fine. You will come back from this better than ever. You may not sell another record (because, over the last two years, you've made it known you are certifiably crazy), but you'll be okay.
Next time, I don't want to host the slumber party. Your double-wide trailer is still parked in my backyard and I don't appreciate the Red Bull cans strewn in the yard. When I said, "treat my home as you would your own," I forgot you are a filthy slob. Next time you can host and we'll trash your home, instead.