by Brach Lee
Crusty, brown butts. I think we can all agree; poopy butts are a lot of things, but never pretty. This is why I feel it is every cat's responsibility to keep their own buttocks free of soil.
It's important to note I am not a bootay lover; I'm a sucker for a great pair of eyes (holla, ladies...), but that's not important right now. My clean butt obsession is purely about hygiene and respect.
Poopy bootays are extremely unattractive. Brown crusties around the hindquarters are disgusting, foul, and I just don't want to look at them. There is a cat with whom I reside. Let's call her "Kooky." Since "Kooky," the self-proclaimed alpha-cat, insists I follow two feet behind her at all times, it makes for a pretty offensive view. Plus, two feet behind her tends to put me "down wind," if you know what I mean. That issue may be separate, though, because there are separate occasions when she delights in sitting on my head and passing gas. UGH!.
"Kooky" doesn't seem to understand the damage she is doing around the house by not cleaning her own butt. I don't want to sit on the floor, chair, couch or bed immediately after that Disgusting Diva. I do such a great job of cleaning my bum, but somehow, I wind up compromising my health and beauty if I risk sitting in "Kooky's" dung flakes. Yes, my mother vacuums diligently, but I am sure there are residual poop nuggets in the blankets.
In conclusion, "Kooky" should keep her own butt clean--and I don't mean dragging it across the carpet. A daily lick or two should do the trick. Of course, this may be difficult, because "Kooky" has a bit of a weight problem, so she might find it extremely challenging to reach her hind quarters.
If she does not comply, I will have no choice but to have her evicted--Anna Nicole Style. Be warned, "Kooky." Be warned.
HOW. DARE. YOU! How dare you imply my "opulence" is preventing me from taking care of my body! That is just not the case.
The reason I pay no mind to that region is I am too important, too regal and too beautiful to be worried about cleaning something I can't even see. No one should expect me to use my precious and pristine tongue to clean crap off my under-tail. You, Brach, should understand this, having been my servant for over six years!
First of all, my badunkadunk is never that filthy. I think you are exaggerating and, unless you can provide photographic proof (which we all hope you don't), I maintain that my fanny is free of debris. In fact, unless you can perform and present DNA tests on the feces in our shared litter box, I will stick with my story that I don't poop at all!
Secondly, an Empress like me should have a team of servants ready and willing to bathe my nether-regions. I would think this would be the chore everyone wants to do. "Empress, may I clean your bum?" Why yes, kind servant. You may. And, let's not forget, Brach, that it was a mere couple of weeks ago, when you did that chore! How soon we forget?
Finally, what is up with not providing toilet paper to us? Let's put the blame where it should rightly lay, Brach. The Agent sucks. Seriously. If she were just place some premium TP by our box, this would be a non-issue! I think it should be her job to wipe us. HER job to ensure our asses remain free of waste. I mean, it's been said I have junk in my trunk, but not ON it.
Until the day we have Feline Charmin readily available, keep on truckin'. Keep on licking my bootay and do it with a smile on your whiskered face.
It's right neighborly...