Tuesday, November 21, 2006

You Lick Mine; I'll Lick Yours!

by Brach Lee

Crusty, brown butts. I think we can all agree; poopy butts are a lot of things, but never pretty. This is why I feel it is every cat's responsibility to keep their own buttocks free of soil.

It's important to note I am not a bootay lover; I'm a sucker for a great pair of eyes (holla, ladies...), but that's not important right now. My clean butt obsession is purely about hygiene and respect.

Poopy bootays are extremely unattractive. Brown crusties around the hindquarters are disgusting, foul, and I just don't want to look at them. There is a cat with whom I reside. Let's call her "Kooky." Since "Kooky," the self-proclaimed alpha-cat, insists I follow two feet behind her at all times, it makes for a pretty offensive view. Plus, two feet behind her tends to put me "down wind," if you know what I mean. That issue may be separate, though, because there are separate occasions when she delights in sitting on my head and passing gas. UGH!.

"Kooky" doesn't seem to understand the damage she is doing around the house by not cleaning her own butt. I don't want to sit on the floor, chair, couch or bed immediately after that Disgusting Diva. I do such a great job of cleaning my bum, but somehow, I wind up compromising my health and beauty if I risk sitting in "Kooky's" dung flakes. Yes, my mother vacuums diligently, but I am sure there are residual poop nuggets in the blankets.

In conclusion, "Kooky" should keep her own butt clean--and I don't mean dragging it across the carpet. A daily lick or two should do the trick. Of course, this may be difficult, because "Kooky" has a bit of a weight problem, so she might find it extremely challenging to reach her hind quarters.

If she does not comply, I will have no choice but to have her evicted--Anna Nicole Style. Be warned, "Kooky." Be warned.

by Kukka-Maria

HOW. DARE. YOU! How dare you imply my "opulence" is preventing me from taking care of my body! That is just not the case.

The reason I pay no mind to that region is I am too important, too regal and too beautiful to be worried about cleaning something I can't even see. No one should expect me to use my precious and pristine tongue to clean crap off my under-tail. You, Brach, should understand this, having been my servant for over six years!

First of all, my badunkadunk is never that filthy. I think you are exaggerating and, unless you can provide photographic proof (which we all hope you don't), I maintain that my fanny is free of debris. In fact, unless you can perform and present DNA tests on the feces in our shared litter box, I will stick with my story that I don't poop at all!

Secondly, an Empress like me should have a team of servants ready and willing to bathe my nether-regions. I would think this would be the chore everyone wants to do. "Empress, may I clean your bum?" Why yes, kind servant. You may. And, let's not forget, Brach, that it was a mere couple of weeks ago, when you did that chore! How soon we forget?

Finally, what is up with not providing toilet paper to us? Let's put the blame where it should rightly lay, Brach. The Agent sucks. Seriously. If she were just place some premium TP by our box, this would be a non-issue! I think it should be her job to wipe us. HER job to ensure our asses remain free of waste. I mean, it's been said I have junk in my trunk, but not ON it.

Until the day we have Feline Charmin readily available, keep on truckin'. Keep on licking my bootay and do it with a smile on your whiskered face.

It's right neighborly...


The Meezers said...

I, sadly, agree wif Brach - poopy butts are nasty. trixie hadded a poopy butt and Mommy hadded to give her bafs to clean it. But, I do agree wif Kukka too - TP is a must - it's good for wiping AND a fun toy to play wif while you're doing your business. - Miles

Anonymous said...

I certainly agree with Brach. Kaze often times walks around with poo on her but and I just can't handle it. I have a very clean behind and I can't stand to stare at hers.


I agree with the Empress. We should have servants who clean our nether regions!! And my butt is very clean thank you very much!


George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Well Kukka, if Brach won't do this any longer, you'll just have to tell your agent to put up a kitty sized roll of TP right next to the box. Just make sure it's the premium 3-ply, quilted, scented, designer paper. None of that cheap, store brand stuff for our Empress!!

Kukka-Maria said...

Are you kidding me, G,T,M&M? I'm not letting actual PAPER touch my behind.

I'm demanding mouse fur.

Les Trois Chats said...

Don't squeeze the Charmin. That's all I have to say.
~ moose

Domestic Goddess said...

all I can say is I'm glad I'm not a cat. I can't imagine cleaning my badunkadunk that way.

Anonymous said...

Brach: I feel ya, baby!
Feline American Cocoa Puff ... he of the more-bounce-to-the-ounce school of weight management ... has an extreme "poopy butt" problem. In the past, he has tried ... and failed ... to keep his butt-crust to a minimum. But our boy weighs in at about thirty pounds. He valiantly tries to get into licking position, but he's built like a Weeble (ask your agent). He wobbles around like Humpty Dumpty, so no tongue gets within licking distance from the offending bum. Be thankful that "Kooky" has her weight in the "managable" range or things would get crustier by the minute.
DaisyMae Maus

Anonymous said...

mmmmkay, I am so glad to have cat poop on my mind tonight at work LOL

Chaotic Cat said...

Oh my heavens this is a serious dillyemma. I hope you guys find a solution to the ummm "problem".

Talk about a stinky one *smile*

Gemini said...

Oh I always clean my behind and then I make sure Georgia has cleaned hers too. Of course, she's nice to me and washes my ears...

Anonymous said...

I think Brach needs to suck it up, literally and figuratively.
He needs to accepts his surf status already and get over it. All Hail Empress Kukka-Marie!