- I WILL OUTLAW PET COSTUMES!
Humans who dress animals in goofy get-ups for amusement or sport will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Who looks so very-wary cutesy now, humans?
- I WILL DO AWAY WITH HUMAN CONSENT FOR FELINE TATTOOING AND BODY PIERCING!
It's my body! I don't need no stinkin' human permission!
- I WILL PUSH FOR LEGISLATION THAT WILL ALLOW ANY ANIMAL TO MARRY ANY OTHER ANIMAL!
The religious right doesn't want animals to marry one another, but also doesn't approve of them shacking up! Choose a side flip-flopper! You can't have it both ways!
- I WILL IMPLEMENT TOUGHER LAWS AGAINST THE STALKING PAPARAZZI!
No more looking in my windows. No more snapping photos of me through your high-powered, telephoto lenses. I'll see you behind bars, tabloid media!
- I WILL OUTLAW BRAZILIAN WAXES IN THE UNITED STATES!
From what I understand, Brazilian waxes are a horrible way to make a kitty completely bald! I've been bald before. (Go ahead...click it! It's not bad...) While many men appreciate this look, not all kitties enjoy getting it.
- I WILL IMPOSE A NATIONAL BAN ON UNDERWEIGHT FELINE MODELS!
If you are 6-years old and you weigh 4 lbs? I'm not buying that your're just "small-boned." I'm talking to you, Fancy Feast bitch!
- I WILL BRING OUR TROOPS HOME AND END THIS SENSELESS WAR!
Although, If we must "stay the course," I will send all the dogs in the U.S. overseas. Not because I dislike dogs, but because they are the species most known for their diplomacy! Right?
- I WILL LOWER THE FELINE DRINKING AGE TO 2!
Hey! If you're old enough to breed, you're old enough to take a shot of tequila (just ask Zeus)!
- I WILL SUPPORT YOUTH IN ASIA!
Apparently, people are dying over this cause! I'll do more than support it, I will encourage it! I will do everything I can to get more over there. Buses? Cabs? I'm on it! More Youth in Asia!
- I WILL MAKE IT SO INSURANCE COMPANIES ARE REQUIRED COVER FELINE ELECTIVE SURGERY!
Nipple lifts? Whisker implants? Tail jobs? (Wow..."tail jobs" just sounds dirty!) It's critical we not have to pay a single dollar out of pocket for these necessary procedures. I mean, they're not necessary for me, but I'm going to fight for the rest of you!
- I WILL OUTLAW MANDATORY SPAYING AND NEUTERING!
One way to control pet population is to spay and neuter animals--WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT! The shame is that I believe we are underestimating the power of education. Open dialog with your young cat about "safer sex" and distributing condoms at local animal shelters is the key. Equip your animals with knowledge and they will learn to keep their tails lowered. Or, if they're going to present themselves to any stray they meet, at least they'll be using protection!
- I WILL MAKE CATNIP LEGAL FOR ALL ANIMALS!
Wait. It's not catnip for humans, right? But it is an herb? Ok. Well, whatever it is they like, they can have it!
- I WILL EXILE OPRAH!
When I win this election? That bitch is out of here!
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