Thursday, November 09, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #11

Thirteen Settlement Points Outlined
in the Britney/Kevin Divorce Papers

Since the Cheeto dust and Red Bull
stains on the pre-nup made it
illegible, they had to start from scratch.

  1. Ms. Spears will receive all proceeds from the sales of Mr. Federline's new album, "Playing With Fire." Based on projections, this will reimburse her .01% of her initial financial investment in the project. Ms. Spears' life expectancy will also be significantly reduced as she will bear the responsibility of refunding time to those who demand "the last 32 minutes of my life back after listening to that shit!"

  2. Mr. Federline will receive 50% of couple's designer Wal-Mart bag luggage and 100% of the couple's shared stockpile of wifebeaters. Ms. Spears will retain possession of the rather impressive collection of cookbooks she brought into the marriage, including the following titles: "101 Ways to Enjoy Mac and Cheese as Your Main Course," "Corn Nut Cuisine," and "Hostess Twinkies: Not Just for Dessert Anymore!"

  3. Ms. Spears will continue paying child-support for Mr. Federline's first two children with Shar Jackson, and will make provisions for his next six kids who are anticipated to arrive within the next four years.

  4. Ms. Spears will bear sole responsibility for providing cigarettes and liquor for the couple's shared children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, until their 21st birthdays at which time, due to their fame-by-proxy, they will be entitled to drink for free at popular L.A. nightclubs.

  5. Mr. Federline will receive three months, to be used at his discretion, at the couple's double-wide vacation mobile home in the Florida panhandle.

  6. Ms. Spears will take sole financial responsibility for all medical, optical and dental care for the couple's shared children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, including braces, teeth-bleaching and iced-out grillz.

  7. Ms. Spears will pay the balance due for the deal Kevin made with the Devil for the luck he's experienced during the last two years of his life. While he pledged his soul, the Devil is still demanding a supplemental sum of $2.5 million.

  8. Ms. Spears will provide financial backing for production of Mr. Federline's soon to be "accidentally" released amateur porn video titled, "K-Fed--Steaming Up the Bed, Y'all!"

  9. Ms. Spears will provide a positive job reference for Mr. Federline when he pursues employment in the service industry--specifically the booming fast-food market.

  10. Mr. Federline will take possession of the content in the couple's shared liquor cabinet including, but not limited to, 100 varieties of malt liquor, 7 bottles of Hennessy, and the half-drunk bottle of gin to be combined with juice that Mr. Federline shall provide. Ms. Spears will retain custody of the full pantry of Red Bull, the partially consumed bags of Cheetos scattered throughout their home and venison jerky given to her by her cousin, Jeb.

  11. Ms. Spears will relieve Mr. Federline of all debts he incurred within the duration of their marriage. The known debts are as follows:
    • 53 pair of "manpris" custom tailored at Jamal's Slack Shack in Compton.
    • 70+ pair of ginormous diamond earrings (actual amount to be determined).
    • Laser beam headgear for his six pet sharks.
    • Wages for needless bodyguards.
    • Olive oil to keep his hair greasy.
    • The single disposable razor he used infrequently during their entire marriage.
    • His monster truck.
    • Weekly chest waxes.

    Ms. Spears will also keep Mr. Federline in corn-rows and high-tops, with embarrassingly massive tongues and no apparent laces, for the remainder of his life.

  12. Ms. Spears will provide first/last month's rent and pet deposit (he better be taking those damn sharks) for Mr. Federline's new efficiency studio apartment.

  13. Ms. Spears will relinquish her share of the couple's Marlboro Club Membership, but will retain all accumulated Camel Cash. The extensive ashtray collection will be reserved as part of the couple's shared children's inheritance.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


    The Crew said...

    My Kukka, we didn't know you had branched out into divorce law. Where DO you find the time for all your endeavors?

    It seems you've negotiated a very fair settlement for this goofy pair. Aside from the money they'll inherit, we feel sorry for the offspring of the doomed union!

    Anonymous said...

    Kukka-have you now joined the ranks of attorneys as well?! My goodness, when will you ever stop..

    The Meezers or Billy said...

    mmmmm cheetoes. i loves to lick the cheese off of them and then leave them in the bowl for mommy - Miles

    Carmen said...


    I hear today that he wants custody. I don't know which parent would be a worse influence.

    LAC said...

    OMG, that is so hilarious. I was laughing out loud the entire time. I think my boss is already dialing the loony bin.

    I can't wait for next week's list!
    Thanks for stopping by mine, as well!

    Domestic Goddess said...

    great re-cap Kukka. you had me laughing.

    I don't think people that young and stupid should have so much money. There oughta be a law!

    Anonymous said...

    hahahah evil, funny kitty!!!

    Tammy said...

    lol.. great re cap!!

    Anonymous said...

    If I ever get divorced again, can I retain you as my attorney?

    Hilarious list! Happy TT!

    Natsthename said...

    Oh my GOD, that's f'n hilarious! But who gets the McDonald's Monopoly game board they are sharing? Come on, he only needs Park Place to win the big one!!

    Kukka-Maria said...

    Oh, Nat! I don't know that they thought of that! I hope it comes down to an old-fashioned bitch-slap fight!

    Unknown said...

    LMAO!! That is awesome. I love it.

    K said...

    A great list!! :)

    Zeus said...

    Well thank GAWD she gets to keep the Camel Cash because as we all know Camel has a MUCH better selection in their monthly catalog for those of us who decide to damage our lungs to get high-quality, luxurious, crystal and diamonique-studded coasters.

    Anonymous said...

    Too funny! :D Kukka, you are one talented cat. :) Thanks for the laughs. :)

    Happy T13. :)

    Renee Nefe said...

    I just don't get why someone would think they could have a lasting relationship with a person who is already involved.

    Anonymous said...

    I was out blog hoping and once again came across your blog.

    I know if i got divorce it wouldn't be in the tabolts. So I'll keep mine.

    My T.T is up

    Unknown said...

    that was really funny..

    Check out for his opinion on that whole thing

    Anonymous said...

    Hehe, is anyone surprised about this breakup?! Not in the least. Apparently he said in an interview as his album was being released that she is probably his number 1 fan, later she screamed at him until he cried and then walked away and then said she was getting a divorce via SMS. Obviously he's a bit of an idiot but I couldn't help feel sorry for him. How can you feel sorry for her though, "What were you thinking in the first place?!" is the phrase that comes to mind.

    Anonymous said...

    ok this is hysterical! i haven't been to your blog before, but i'm going to have to come back. you're hilarious. happy tt! thanks for stopping by mine!

    Anonymous said...

    Thanks for the laughs Kukka! These two are just ridiculous...and funny too! lol!!

    Anonymous said...

    What a genious post! Had me rolling the whole time!
    Happy TT!

    Anonymous said...

    I'm impressed you were able to release this information so soon after her filing. You are fearless, Kukka.

    Anonymous said...

    Who gets custody of the cat?

    Is there a cat?

    I know they have a rat lookin' woofie.

    And i thought the kid's name was Sutton. How did I miss the change?

    Anonymous said...


    Diane said...

    Very FUNNY!

    Mia said...

    LMAO...that is hillarious.

    Anonymous said...


    You're soooo mean, it's hilarious!!

    Happy TT!

    Susan said...

    Kukka as usual your wit is razor sharp! I hope I am never on your bad side :) Mine's finally up but it's not nearly as entertaining as yours! Happy TT everybody!

    tiggerprr said...

    Oh, my heck. That was funny! :)

    Mattingly said...

    Thank goodness for you Kukka. I don't have time to keep up with all the gossip shows and Hollywood magazines. It's good to know I can count on your for accurate, indepth reporting!

    Anonymous said...

    ROFL! Ha, Kukka, you are tooooo much, Miss Kitty! I just love coming here :)

    Anonymous said...

    btw, my t13 is up :)

    Anonymous said...

    I can't believe he wants custody of the kids! Has he ever taken care of them by himself?

    Anonymous said...

    Very nice and funny!
    Have you visited mine yet?
    I'm looking to see next list!

    Greetings from Germany,

    Candy Minx said...

    Well done! I am impressed at your inside knowledge of the family habits. Did they have a pet cat? Are you in cahoots?

    Very funny and a lot of great laughs I had while reading. Good job!

    Anonymous said...

    SNORT! I am so glad that she finally got some of her act together and quit him. :O) BTW, check out old post about them here:

    *cheeky grin*

    Thanks for visiting my TT again :O).

    Anonymous said...

    Garh! The url didn't show up properly, the archive is
    May 2, If You Were A Cracker.

    Sparky Duck said...

    I wonder if I could somehow sue for some of that camel cash.