in the Britney/Kevin Divorce Papers
Since the Cheeto dust and Red Bull
stains on the pre-nup made it
illegible, they had to start from scratch.
- Ms. Spears will receive all proceeds from the sales of Mr. Federline's new album, "Playing With Fire." Based on projections, this will reimburse her .01% of her initial financial investment in the project. Ms. Spears' life expectancy will also be significantly reduced as she will bear the responsibility of refunding time to those who demand "the last 32 minutes of my life back after listening to that shit!"
- Mr. Federline will receive 50% of couple's designer Wal-Mart bag luggage and 100% of the couple's shared stockpile of wifebeaters. Ms. Spears will retain possession of the rather impressive collection of cookbooks she brought into the marriage, including the following titles: "101 Ways to Enjoy Mac and Cheese as Your Main Course," "Corn Nut Cuisine," and "Hostess Twinkies: Not Just for Dessert Anymore!"
- Ms. Spears will continue paying child-support for Mr. Federline's first two children with Shar Jackson, and will make provisions for his next six kids who are anticipated to arrive within the next four years.
- Ms. Spears will bear sole responsibility for providing cigarettes and liquor for the couple's shared children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, until their 21st birthdays at which time, due to their fame-by-proxy, they will be entitled to drink for free at popular L.A. nightclubs.
- Mr. Federline will receive three months, to be used at his discretion, at the couple's double-wide vacation mobile home in the Florida panhandle.
- Ms. Spears will take sole financial responsibility for all medical, optical and dental care for the couple's shared children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, including braces, teeth-bleaching and iced-out grillz.
- Ms. Spears will pay the balance due for the deal Kevin made with the Devil for the luck he's experienced during the last two years of his life. While he pledged his soul, the Devil is still demanding a supplemental sum of $2.5 million.
- Ms. Spears will provide financial backing for production of Mr. Federline's soon to be "accidentally" released amateur porn video titled, "K-Fed--Steaming Up the Bed, Y'all!"
- Ms. Spears will provide a positive job reference for Mr. Federline when he pursues employment in the service industry--specifically the booming fast-food market.
- Mr. Federline will take possession of the content in the couple's shared liquor cabinet including, but not limited to, 100 varieties of malt liquor, 7 bottles of Hennessy, and the half-drunk bottle of gin to be combined with juice that Mr. Federline shall provide. Ms. Spears will retain custody of the full pantry of Red Bull, the partially consumed bags of Cheetos scattered throughout their home and venison jerky given to her by her cousin, Jeb.
- Ms. Spears will relieve Mr. Federline of all debts he incurred within the duration of their marriage. The known debts are as follows:
- 53 pair of "manpris" custom tailored at Jamal's Slack Shack in Compton.
- 70+ pair of ginormous diamond earrings (actual amount to be determined).
- Laser beam headgear for his six pet sharks.
- Wages for needless bodyguards.
- Olive oil to keep his hair greasy.
- The single disposable razor he used infrequently during their entire marriage.
- His monster truck.
- Weekly chest waxes.
Ms. Spears will also keep Mr. Federline in corn-rows and high-tops, with embarrassingly massive tongues and no apparent laces, for the remainder of his life.
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