to Solidify my Position as
the Most Annoying Cat in the Entire World
- "OPERATION: WHEN I'M NOT SLEEPY, AIN'T NOBODY SLEEPY!"
I will stop at nothing to disrupt my agent's sleep when I'm not tired. Flick things off the dresser? Check! Slam the blinds at the window? You betcha!
- "OPERATION: TREATS, TREATS, TREATS!"
All day! Every day! My agent has trained me to expect treats when she comes into the house. How is it my fault I can not differentiate between her returning from a long day at work and returning from taking out the garbage? She enters the home, I whine for treats. That's the drill!
- "OPERATION: LAP = GOOD."
I am sorry, but I can not simply sit next to my agent on the couch at night. I...MUST...SIT...ON...HER! No room? No problem! I'll just sit half-on/half-off and unleash my pathetic eyes. She'll eventually make room...
- "OPERATION: I NEED MY ROUGHAGE!"
When my agent is in the kitchen, I've made it my duty to climb to the top of the cupboards and lie among the greenery. To make it truly annoying, though, I've found slobbering and chewing on the silk leaves to be the key.
- "OPERATION: WHERE THERE IS RUNNING WATER, THERE I WILL BE."
Whether it's the bathtub or sink, if my agent turns on water, I am there to drink. Nevermind she probably turned it on for a reason and needs me to move out of her way, I gots to have my fluids!
- "OPERATION: EAU DE KUKKA"
My agent can polish the furniture all she wants. She can clean the brown schmutz off of the edge of the refrigerator door on a daily basis. I'm going to be right behind her, ready to rub my face against anything that will stand still long enough. Rubbing my whisker-stank on everything in the house is my duty, nay...privilege! Whether due to a dust rag removing my scent or Brach covering my stench with his, an Empress' work is never done.
- "OPERATION: PLUCK YOU!"
I know my agent has given me a great scratching post. I appreciate it! What she fails to understand, though, is how incredibly fulfilling it is to pluck my claws on the living room carpet. PLUCK...PLUCK..."KUKKA, KNOCK IT OFF!"...PLUCK. I love our little games.
- "OPERATION: I'LL STAY HERE, THANKYOUVERYMUCH!"
She opens the linen closet door. I run inside, sit, and stare her down. "Come out of the closet..." my agent will say. STARE DOWN. "Please, Kukka...I want to shut the door!" she'll plead. STARE DOWN. She'll finally walk away, leaving the door open. It pays to be the Alpha-Cat!
- "OPERATION: SHED, SHED, AND SHED SOME MORE!"
I don't need all of this fur. Really! I leave some on the couch for her. I leave more on the bed for her. And, for my agent's convenience, I even go to the trouble of applying fur directly to her clothes! And all she does is bitch, moan, and run a sticky wand over her wardrobe. How ungrateful...
- "OPERATION: JUSTWALKAROUNDMEFORCRYINGOUTLOUD!"
I don't know what is so effing difficult to get about this. If I'm lying in the middle of the freaking floor, she should walk around me. If I'm camped out in the middle of the hallway, she should step over! Why my agent feels the need for all the "discussion" is beyond me! "Are you going to stay there and get walked on?" Apparently!
- "OPERATION: AIM HIGH."
I know I've never successfully leapt to the top of the entertainment center. Does that mean I should stop trying? When I squat at the edge of the coffee table and stare intently at the top of the entertainment center, I expect support from my agent. Not criticism. "You can't jump up there! Not only is it forbidden, you have too much girth to leap so gracefully!" You had to make it personal, didn't you...
- "OPERATION: ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?"
It's not like she's starving. It's not like she doesn't have enough food to spare. Why is it such an issue that I would like a bite or two or three of her meal? Or four...
- "OPERATION: PET ME, PET ME, PET ME, PET ME, PET ME..."
Do it. All day long. More. Yeah, that's it...just like that. Oh, yeah...you know how I like it. Behind the ears. There you go. Under the chin. Give mama what she likes...WHAT?! You want to take a break because you need to go to work? Whatever. You think you deserve a social life and expect to leave the house for hours at a time? Fine. But know that when you get back, I'm going to be waiting here, belly and multiple nipples exposed, for your loving hands...
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