Thursday, November 16, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Twenty-Six, Edition #12

Twenty-Six Reasons I Will NOT Be Attending
The TomKat Wedding in Italy

The first 13 were obligatory.
The second 13 were because I love
my readers (and detest Tom Cruise) so much!

  1. It's not fair for me to upstage Katie on her wedding day by donning my traditional wedding guest garb of a pristine white Vera Wang wedding gown--complete with jeweled veil. She can not possibly compete with my super-sexiness!
  2. The fact that Tom Cruise is dead to me would make it awkward in the receiving line.
  3. My date was going to be Pope Benedict XVI (he's just a friend...I don't like him like that), which would have pleased Katie's Catholic family, but the hissing sound of the holy water hitting Tom's skin would have been very distracting.
  4. The Italian military has direct orders to shoot me on sight, since I was formally escorted out of Italy and asked never to return. I don't really want to talk about it.
  5. I'm trying to stay away from carbs and the pasta gets me every time!
  6. Katie's mom is allergic to cats, so they expect me to be caged the entire wedding and reception!
  7. Most Italian hotels welcome dog guests, but refuse cats. Speciest bastardos!
  8. There's not even going to be a red carpet!
  9. TomKat asked me to remove the "inappropriate" cannoli joke in my toast to the happy couple.
  10. I thought it rude that, in lieu of gifts, the guests were asked to bring money to help pay Tom's $20,000,000 standard appearance fee.
  11. My ties to the Sicilian "Family." I've already said too much.
  12. If I'm going to Italy, I'm shoe shopping, not sitting in a castle watching a gay man rob the cradle!
  13. The disgusting display of tongue when kissing in response to clinking glasses and silverware.
  14. It would break my heart to hear the wailing and sobbing of Katie's family during the sacrifice ceremony.
  15. Sophia Loren is just too super-sexy. I just can't risk her overshadowing my super-sexiness!
  16. The plug on my hair dryer is not compatible with the Italian electrical outlets. I will not walk around with "bed head!"
  17. I do not do the "Chicken Dance," nor does the lyric "Ceeeeeeelebrate good times, COME ON!" cross my lips. That's not how The Empress rolls...
  18. I couldn't get my Italian mourning dress dry-cleaned in time. Martinizing an opaque, black veil is hell!
  19. I have another commitment wherein I will be achieving Operation Thetan Level VIII at sea. I've already said too much.
  20. At Tom's wedding to Nicole, he got very handsy with me during the $1,000,000 "Dollar Dance."
  21. Cash bar? Seriously?
  22. I refuse to remove my red string, fueling the feud between Scientology and Kabbalah as each competes to be THE trendiest Hollywood religion.
  23. Tom forcing Katie to include "You had me at hello...You had me at hello..." in her vows.
  24. TomKat has decided to exclusively release their wedding photos to a magazine, instead of my blog. Effers.
  25. Tom's insistence on recreating his famous "Risky Business" dance to close the reception.
  26. Xenu told me not to go.

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    The Meezers said...

    all are furry furry valid reasons for not going. mommy agrees wif the shoe shopping one - she would go to Italy and not go to the wedding- just shoe shopping.

    Janet said...

    hahahah too funny!!!

    Carmen said...

    the chicken dance is not flattering to ANYONE! I think we should boycott all weddings until it's banned!

    Natsthename said...

    You'd be the coolest cat there if you went anyway!

    Anonymous said...

    Great list Kukka-Maria. :) All very good reasons not to attend the wedding. Thanks for the grins. :D

    And thanks for stopping by. :) Happy T13. :)

    Anonymous said...

    this is an awesome list
    you're sooo much better than TomKat anyway -- I mean, You're a REAL celebrity!
    And you showed amazing restraint at not bashing little eskimo Suri -- seriously, am I the ONLY one who thinks it looks like Tom stole the child from an igloo???

    I suppose that praying for Katie's medication (sedation?) to wear off and wake up is getting futile -- maybe Pacey will burst into the ceremony and rescue our girl when the priest asks "is there anyone out there who thinks this is a total farce?"

    Kukka-Maria said...

    OMG, Morgen! Hilarious! I never could place my finger on what/who Suri looked like! Eskimo! HOLY CRAP! You are right!

    And Pacey? I snorted out loud! Little Joey Potter has been sucked up by Maverick in some twisted soap-opera of a relationship! Only Pacey can save her!

    Domestic Goddess said...

    well, as long as you are ok with not going. It is kind of you to think of them and not wanting to upstage them.
    Always giving and thinking of others!

    pissed off patricia said...

    I saw your avatar at another site and since it looked so very much like my sweet Grimley, I had to come and visit. Grimley died many years ago, but you look like twins.

    That list was outstanding and who could argue with your rationale?

    Fred the Cat, posts at my site each Friday. He was a street cat until he came to live with me. He also claims to be in the Federal Feline Protection Program. Now he's a Friday Cat Blogger. Who knew? He's a bit rough around the edges, teeth and the claws, but we love him anyway. :)

    K T Cat said...

    Wonderful as always, Empress. Just the electrical plug thing alone is enough to keep everyone out of Europe. :-)

    George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

    All very good reasons for you not to attend this media circus. Of course, if you change your mind, you know all eyes will be on you and not that goofy bride & groom! Maybe you should go, just to upstage them!

    The Mistress of the Dark said...

    Those are definitely good reasons not to go. Happy TT and I detest Tom Cruise too

    kristarella said...

    I'm lost for words...

    I guess despite not liking him or his religion, I still hope this marriage lasts. Hollywood and marriages makes me mad sometimes.

    tiggerprr said...

    Awesome funny list! :)

    Zeus said...

    I'm so proud of you for thinking of others, Kukka. You have come a long way! Come to think of it, your TT reminds me of a song I once heard: "Tie a red trendy string around the old oak tree" or something like that...

    s@m said...

    LMAO!!!! Love it, once again!

    Cheysuli said...

    Of course, you forgot to say what horrible things that transatlantic flight can do to one's hair, dear. UGH! It's why I don't travel.

    kailani said...

    I hear you on #12! I still think he's in the closet.

    Sparky Duck said...

    I cant understand why there is such a big fuel of news over this anyway? 2 cents said...

    All very valid reasons as to not go. We especially wouldn't want you getting shot by any Italian military people, that would be too sad. Better to stay home and be safe.

    NOLADawn said...

    Speciest indeed!! LMAO, great list Kukka dahhling :)hi