The TomKat Wedding in Italy
The first 13 were obligatory.
The second 13 were because I love
my readers (and detest Tom Cruise) so much!
- It's not fair for me to upstage Katie on her wedding day by donning my traditional wedding guest garb of a pristine white Vera Wang wedding gown--complete with jeweled veil. She can not possibly compete with my super-sexiness!
- The fact that Tom Cruise is dead to me would make it awkward in the receiving line.
- My date was going to be Pope Benedict XVI (he's just a friend...I don't like him like that), which would have pleased Katie's Catholic family, but the hissing sound of the holy water hitting Tom's skin would have been very distracting.
- The Italian military has direct orders to shoot me on sight, since I was formally escorted out of Italy and asked never to return. I don't really want to talk about it.
- I'm trying to stay away from carbs and the pasta gets me every time!
- Katie's mom is allergic to cats, so they expect me to be caged the entire wedding and reception!
- Most Italian hotels welcome dog guests, but refuse cats. Speciest bastardos!
- There's not even going to be a red carpet!
- TomKat asked me to remove the "inappropriate" cannoli joke in my toast to the happy couple.
- I thought it rude that, in lieu of gifts, the guests were asked to bring money to help pay Tom's $20,000,000 standard appearance fee.
- My ties to the Sicilian "Family." I've already said too much.
- If I'm going to Italy, I'm shoe shopping, not sitting in a castle watching a gay man rob the cradle!
- The disgusting display of tongue when kissing in response to clinking glasses and silverware.
- It would break my heart to hear the wailing and sobbing of Katie's family during the
- Sophia Loren is just too super-sexy. I just can't risk her overshadowing my super-sexiness!
- The plug on my hair dryer is not compatible with the Italian electrical outlets. I will not walk around with "bed head!"
- I do not do the "Chicken Dance," nor does the lyric "Ceeeeeeelebrate good times, COME ON!" cross my lips. That's not how The Empress rolls...
- I couldn't get my Italian mourning dress dry-cleaned in time. Martinizing an opaque, black veil is hell!
- I have another commitment wherein I will be achieving Operation Thetan Level VIII at sea. I've already said too much.
- At Tom's wedding to Nicole, he got very handsy with me during the $1,000,000 "Dollar Dance."
- Cash bar? Seriously?
- I refuse to remove my red string, fueling the feud between Scientology and Kabbalah as each competes to be THE trendiest Hollywood religion.
- Tom forcing Katie to include "You had me at hello...You had me at hello..." in her vows.
- TomKat has decided to exclusively release their wedding photos to a magazine, instead of my blog. Effers.
- Tom's insistence on recreating his famous "Risky Business" dance to close the reception.
- Xenu told me not to go.
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