Monday, December 11, 2006

Before They Were Stars: Empress Kukka-Maria

We feel we know her--that she is like the cat next door, but do we really know her at all? The fabulous celebrity blogger you love was not always the starlet you see in front of you. Prior to launching into stardom, this little feline was as normal and average as any feline of royal descent.

She was just a common empress.

The fall of 1999 was a heady time. A heady time, indeed! She and Brad Pitt were secretly dating, but their relationship was rocky by all accounts.

"I think we were both just too young. He was loyal and devoted, but also clingy and possessive. When I would shamelessly flirt with George Clooney, Brad would get insanely jealous," explains Empress Kukka-Maria. "With a tail thwap to his flawless ass, I would try to reassure him my heart belonged to him, but his insecurities are what really drove us apart."

In September of 1999, freshly single after a messy break-up with Pitt, Kukka swore she would never be monogamous again. Calling off the relationship caused extreme heartache to Brad and, after spending countless evenings on the phone with the sobbing star, she couldn't help but realize the power she had over men.

"They are putty in my paws," Kukka says. "It's not by my design. I was just born super sexy! I think, once I realized I needed to be with more than one male at a time, my life finally made sense."

After Brad backed out of several film projects, due to his severe depression, the press refused to let up until they discovered the root cause of Brad's heartache. Upon discovering The Empress, they had a field day crucifying her in the tabloids.

"Sex Kitten breaks Hollywood Heart-Throb"

"Virtually Unknown Cat Responsible for Downfall of a Movie Star"

"Have You Seen Those Huge Ears? Is She Trying to Pick Up Radio Stations?"

The headlines were harsh and seemingly never-ending. Kukka-Maria saw adoption as a safe haven from the ruthless tabloid media.

"I found her at a ranch, destitute and broken. She seemed to need me as much as I wanted her, so taking her home with me just seemed the right thing to do," recalls her Agent. "Due to my anonymity, I was able to offer her a secret refuge for at least a year. After the press found her again, it was mayhem."

At this point, the tabloid media was not focused on the devastation she had caused in Pitt's life; they were enamored with her beauty and clear talent.

"Because she had disappeared from the public eye for so long, the prices for candid snapshots of her were through the roof," recounts one paparazzo, asking his identity to remain a secret. "I would have been a fool not to camp outside her house in West Michigan, hoping to get a glimpse of The Empress! Don't judge me! I'm just a working stiff with a family to feed."

Once they determined Kukka-Maria was being a difficult and non-cooperative recluse, the tabloids resorted to their typical, negative approach.

"Feline Empress Really Packs on the Pounds"

"Obese Cat Whore Slutting it up with Countless Males--Feline and Otherwise"

"Kukka-Maria Starts Blog to Exploit Male Conquests. Whore"

While Kukka-Maria had grown into her ears and had blossomed into a striking beauty, the hurtful headlines began taking their toll on her.

"I swore I wouldn't date another celebrity. Ever. I knew the best thing was to stock my Tomcat Stable with talented, yet practically unknown tomcats," Kukka recalls. "These boys, while extremely famous and revered in the blogging community, were living under the radar of the tabloid media. That made them even more appealing."

Now a celebrated celebrity blogger, Empress Kukka-Maria is very selective on when and where she makes appearances. It is an uncommon delight to spot her on the occasional red carpet. We love to watch her televised battles with long-time rival, Oprah Winfrey. Her celebrity connections are impressive; her fan-base is strong. Due to her down-home appeal, the public is forever forgiving her inflated ego and unfair judgment of others.

What is next for Empress Kukka-Maria? Only time will tell. We wait with bated breath.


The Meezers said...

yes, you are a striking beauty Kukka. Does mommy calling me "Poosie" make me less of a tomkat? - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

No, but I'm afraid your hoo-ha-ectomy does.

I'm just sayin'...

The Meezers said...

yeah, i know that, but, all your tomkats has had hoo-ha-ectomies. - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

Oh, Miles...I wouldn't have it any other way. "Altered" males are the sexiest!

You are more than enough tomcat for me!

Cheysuli said...

It's a lovely flash back to the past. I can see Brad's appeal for you then. Was he ever really that young?

At any rate, I think you always had lovely ears...

Carmen said...

Kukka, you know that they say that tabloid coverage means that you are truly at the top. Like when my dad said the boys picked on me in school cuz they liked me. ;) lol

Renee said...

So Kukka, would you say the secret to your sucess has been your numerous affairs or your great media works?

Kukka-Maria said...

Of course, I would have to say my great media works. That, or just being born.

I don't want to underestimate the power of my numerous celebrity affairs, though. I mean, how else would you explain their career success?

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Yes, obviously your part, be it large or small, in the lives of these superstar males is what really catapulted them to stardom. Without you, they'd be nothing!

Teena said...

The press can be so hurtful :(

William said...

Kukka, you and Brad *did* make such a cute couple. Then again, if he hadn't been so weirdly jealous and you'd lived happily ever after, none of us would have ever met you and we'd all be very sad and not even know why!

Renee said...

yes, yes.

Do you know where I might see a copy of your media work? And is it G rated so that DD can watch too?

Anonymous said...

Ahh, so now I know what's been wrong with Brad Pitt all these years!

Kukka-Maria said...

Renee, my work is definitely not G-rated!