Wednesday, December 20, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XIV

It's been awhile since the last "Dear Kukka..." installment, but it's not been for lack of mail. It's been for lack of interesting mail.

Aside from the typical, "Dear Kukka, I want to father your babies," and "Dear Empress, I would give up my first-born if you would speak at his kindergarten graduation," it's been a pretty dry time. Yes, I received eleventy-three marriage proposals. And, yes, I tentatively accepted eleventy-two (sorry, Kid Rock, but I think you need to be legally divorced before we can marry). Other than that, though, it's been a pretty drab mail bag as of late.

I have, however, picked a few gems out to share with you. My hope is that you consider these questions, and my answers, a vessel of knowledge and learn something from the sage wisdom I share.

Appreciate it! Sage wisdom don't come cheap...

Bring on the letters!

Q: Kukka, I've been approached recently by a man who is suggesting we have a "friends-with-benefits" situation. I'm not sure that's the way to go. What say you?
A: Friends with benefits. Friends. With. Bene. Fits. Go for it. As a woman, you may experience extreme mental anguish because you mistakenly tie your own self-esteem up in whether or not he would want to be with you if you weren't putting out, but they wouldn't use the word "benefits" if it was all bad! It takes a very special (and calloused) woman to keep a man close to her without being actually close to her. Look at me! I juggle six highly attractive and loyal tomcats with little issue! Have sex! Have fun! And who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy the years of psychotherapy in your future.

Q: Recently, Empress, I was asked on a date by an attractive man. He is tall, handsome, and incredibly super-sexy! We went out, got incredibly drunk, and shared things about ourselves with one another that are not typically divulged on the first date. I'm afraid we've become too "familiar" with one another and I may have scared him off, since I've not received the call for a second date. What should I do?
A: First off, lose Geraldo Rivera's phone number IMMEDIATELY! While he is moderately handsome, he is not all that tall, nor incredibly super-sexy. Believe me. The moustache has told me so....literally. It spoke to me. My advice? Never tell too much to a man. Stick with the low-risk information that is harmless: Bra size, panty color, history of STDs, what super-celebrity broken hearts you've left in your wake, etc.

Q: Ryan Seacrest has said that the next season of "American Idol" is going to be "extreme." I'm assuming, with your clout, you have insider information on this. Would you consider dishing the details to us normal folk?
A: Extreme? You bet! I received a call a few months ago to consult with the "American Idol" team on what could make the next season more interesting. I mean, aren't we all pretty sick of just listening to singing? I know I am! I made several suggestions that, no surprise, they loved and implemented. First, expect to see some nude singing. This will be introduced during the early rounds to deter the gutless performers. Unfortunately, I expect the seriously talented won't go for it, so you can expect to see a squillion fame-hungry William Hungs in the top 10 this year. Secondly, the people that are invited to Hollywood will be spending a lot of time performing, while maneuvering through an obstacle course. The key to their success will be maintaining their tone and keeping their breathing steady--especially as they try swinging over a mud pit on a rope. It will be fun to hear them perform Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" while covered in mud after their pathetic fall. Finally--and this one is truly a risk, they will be locked in one of those round cages with speeding motorcycles spinning around them. They will be asked to sing "The Star-Spangled Banner," while waving tiny flags with both their hands and balancing a microphone. I can't wait to hear how their terror helps or hinders them reaching the high note at "O'er the land of the freeeeeeeeee!" Good times...good times.

Q: Kukka, how do you feel about the drama surrounding Miss USA this week and the reports of her scandalous behavior?
Seriously...who cares? If you are one of the pageant-whoring people who tune into the hoopla each year, let me ask you this: Do you ever see this woman again during the year of her reign? I mean, does it make a difference if she kisses and parties with an under-aged girl or if she speaks at an abused women's shelter? I didn't even know her name until this week's craziness! Oh, except The Donald called me and asked if he were to fire her, would I be willing to take over her "responsibilities." Despite the fact her "responsibilities" include walking around in a bikini, cutting the red ribbon at car dealership grand openings, and hoisting beer bongs at the Official Miss USA Spring Break Bash, I decided I just didn't have time for it. Because of my unwillingness, Donald Trump decided to give her another chance. Don't blow it, Miss USA! The entire country is counting on you to enhance the moral fabric of our country! (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit...)

Q: Katie Couric is pretty upset that her critics are ruthlessly judging her performance on CBS's Evening News. Kukka, what advice would you give her about dealing with haters?
A: Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Last I checked, Katie Couric, you left a $16.25 million-a-year job at NBC to move up the ladder. Why don't you go to your $6.3 million home in the Hamptons or your pathetically modest $3.5 million apartment in New York City and cry a river. Did you expect to please the entire nation with your perky smile and girl-next-door approach to the war coverage? Oh! You did...Isn't that precious! Perhaps you can use some of that exorbitant amount of money for psychotherapy, Cry-Baby Couric! Or start a foundation for over-paid, under-emotionally-nurtured, over-sensitive, and under-appreciated news anchors! Good luck with that! Crap. Now I'm going to get phone calls from her asking why I was so mean...

Q: Empress, it's no secret you've had conflict with Star Jones-Reynolds. Considering the chaos Rosie O'Donnell has unleashed recently on The View, can't you admit that life was better with Star in the chair?
A: While I detest Rosie on The View, seeing Star on television makes me nauseous. No. Makes me nauseous and gives me atrociously foul gas. Recently, Star acknowledged her responsibility in creating her "diva image." Puh-lease! I'm a self-proclaimed diva, but I know how to carry it off! I suppose if I had to manage my life as an unemployed spouse of a gay man, I might not have the time to focus on my divadom, either. Ka-BLAM, Star Jones-Reynolds! Our feud is alive and well!

As always, dear fans, thank you for writing to me. Next time, I'd really like to see more questions about me and not just about my opinions of others! Whose blog is this anyway?

Read more of my mail in my "Dear Kukka..." Archive!


Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Oh Kukka! Whatever would we do without your advice. As far as friends with benefits, we have a wonderful plush stuffed toy from the PetMall that we use as our "Sex toy" and it really keeps us away from the Planned Litterhood place.

Zeus said...

I had no idea that a history of STDs was considered low-risk information! I'll be sure to share this more openly in the future on the first date. Thanks, Kukka!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Perhaps, considering that the volume of your mail is almost overwhelming, you should have your column syndicated in all the papers. That way you could get paid for dispensing such sage advice.

Carmen said...

Extreme Idol! Go copyright that idea now! I'd watch!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka, once again balanced yet entertaining. You always have the latest! You are the source we can trust! -Scooby, Shaggy (Scout's too young to read your stuff......we have to cover his eyes)

K T Cat said...

Rosie O'Donnell unleashed chaos on her show? I thought the only things she unleashed were those scrofulous dogs on the set with her.

Beau Beau & Angie said...

Wonderful advice as usual. And yur espeshully right about Katie Couric or whatever her stoopid name is. There are actually some of us who haven't ever even watched her on tv. But thanks Kukka for letting us know about another one of society's over-paid for nothing people.

Renee said...

Yes, Kukka. I agree that I would much rather hear about you and your fab life than these other people.

Kimo & Sabi said...

Katie...what a baby! We're with ya on that one!

Chaotic Cat said...

Kukka again you entrertain and inform .... exceptional I have to add, I learned a whole lot of stuff I didnt even know about ... like a cry baby millionair ... *yawn* have to agree I am sure she can pay for her sykotherapy herself.