Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Let's Not and Just Say We Did.

Nicole Richie was arrested in the early hours of yesterday for driving under the influence of pot and painkillers (because it's difficult dealing with the pain of hoisting that cigarette to your mouth repeatedly with absolutely no muscles of which to speak...but you didn't hear that from me). It seems, when they saw her driving the wrong way down the highway, two other motorists called 911 to report it. Plus, she was driving with a suspended license (because, apparently, she thinks the laws don't apply to celebrities...but you didn't hear that from me).

There was something even more shocking to discover, though!

When her Dad, Lionel, took a few minutes away from dancing on the ceiling to call and tell me the news yesterday (yes, we're friends like that...but you didn't hear that from me), he said the official report stated Nicole was 5' 1" and 85 lbs. Now, as Nicole's friend, she's always told me she does not have an eating disorder. Hell, anyone who reads magazines or watches that whore, Oprah, has heard her say that!

That got me thinking. If those are her stats, where does she fall on the Body Mass Index (BMI) table? For that matter, where do I fall on it? I mean, I'm smaller than she is, so I am sure I would be considered a wafer-thin little kitty!

NICOLE RICHIE
AGE: 25
HEIGHT: 5' 1"
WEIGHT: 85 lbs
BMI: 16.1
DEFINITION: UNDERWEIGHT
(Anyone below 18.5)


EMPRESS KUKKA-MARIA
AGE: 7
HEIGHT: 10"
WEIGHT: 12.5 lbs
BMI: 87.9
DEFINITION: OFF-THE-CHARTS OBESE


[Editor's Note: Stunt Double Photo used for dramatic effect.]

What the...?! I'm ginormous! Look at that photo! I never knew that is what I looked like! That can not be me!

87.9.

87.9!

Crap. I predict my treats now will be rationed eliminated. And I suspect I have some serious treadmill time in my future. I bet I start getting calls from Anna Nicole Smith, asking me to start taking TrimSpa and televise my progress.

"TRIMSPA, BABY!" Yeah, no.

Why must physical condition be made a number? Why are we neatly categorized into a standardized table that tells us our worth?

Why am I fat?

Damn you, Nicole Richie! Damn you and your skeletal frame! Damn you for delivering a staggering blow to my self-esteem by getting arrested and putting your physical statistics in front of my eyes!

Boo, Nicole Richie...BOO!

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kukka!! Your agent has surely measured your "height" to give the smallest dimension. I think she should measure the distance from the tips of your back toes to the tips of your front toes when you are stretched out to your fullest with a curved back. That ought to bring your BMI down to less than half that number! (still gross, but a little less so!)

Love, Anonymouse

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Not to worry, Kukka, you're a role model for all of us girls and your male admirers will never desert you! Remember, real women have curves and what guy wants to cuddle with a living skeleton?

Love,
Tipper

BTW, I'm pretty sure I tip the scales at more than 12.5 lb. Fortunately I've been able to disguise my girth with flattering camera angles!

The Meezers said...

Kukka honey, you is NOT FAT. You is most definately WOMAN. Not like that walking skeleton Nicole. Although, that pikshur of you - was that from an arrest of yours? It looks like one of those Glenn Campbell/Nick Nolte drunk pikshurs. Don't get me wrong, you're still stunningly beautiful, it's just that you look like you want to rip the fotografer to shreds. - Miles

The Meezers said...

oh, and btw - height is meashured from tip of tail to tip of nose. Not from your toes on the floor up. - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

I'd much rather have a positive impact on that BMI number by being re-measured than by reducing or eliminating my treat intake.

Good advice, Anonymouse and Miles!

"Still gross...?" Anonymouse? I hope "gross" means "awesome" like "phat" does!

Renee said...

I would have to agree with the others that your height should be measured in a more upright manner as it is in humans. If we were measured from a quadraped position I'm sure that we would have much higher BMIs too.

As for Nicole, her family better get her non-existant butt into rehab for that eating disorder before she dies...and Lindsey & one or both of the Mary Kate & Ashley twins. Is Laura Flynn Boyle even still alive???

We've pretty much stopped watching TV because I don't want DD thinking that those are normal body types. We keep telling her that she needs to gain some weight. Thank goodness she isn't rail thin, we just want her to be a healthy weight.

Anonymous said...

Well, Kukka, what I meant by saying the new BMI would still be gross was applying it to the idea of a HUMAN having such a BMI.

You are just beautifully "softig". Now your STUNT DOUBLE is a bit more towards the "obese" description!

Meezers, I DO like the idea of starting any measurement of height at the tip of the tail.

Anonymouse

Kukka-Maria said...

Word, Anonymouse. Word.

brandywine said...

Nicole looks like "Mr. Bones", the mascot for our biology class...and Kukkas' stunt double looked like a cat shaped cookie jar . BMI means little Kukka, there is no scale for sexy! I bet it would be quite a backstage fight if your agent threw down a treat between you and Ms. Ritchie....my money is on the boney lass with the bulging eyes.

Cheysuli said...

Isn't it your womanly curves that excite the men to your Super Sexiness Kukka?

Of course, should you decide to promote a particular diet program, well you're sure to make a fortune!

Anonymous said...

remember Kukka only dogs like bones.

Kukka-Maria said...

Amen, Zoo. A-freakin'-men!

Actually, I'm sorry...this just in: My agent is telling me that many human women like bones, too.

Whatever that means...

Audrey said...

Kukka, has your doctor actually referred to a medical need to lose weight (mine has)? If not, you are merely voluptuous, not overweight. I hope my Mom doesn't read this and try to calculate my BMI. Now as to your "stunt double", I agree that maybe laying off the pork rinds and Bud might be a good idea.

Zeus said...

Kukka, remember what I am about to tell you: Toms love more cushion for the pushin'. I mean, honestly: If it weren't for your voluptous hips and your sultry rolls, I'd probably hurt myself during our little midnight soires. I'm thankful you've got fillin'. Very thankful.

Carmen said...

you can tell people what I tell people - I'm not fat, I'm fluffy. :) Plus, if we based our self worth on nicole ritchie, we'd all be eating tic tacs for our three squares a day. I think Lindsay Lohan follows that diet too.

Derby said...

Kukka, have your mum measure you from the tip of your nose to the tip of your tail and recalculate your BMI. I think your 'height' figure throws off the calculations.

William said...

I really doubt you're the Kirstie Alley of cats.

Domestic Goddess said...

Big and Beautiful, Kukka, Big and Beautiful!

Anonymous said...

Those "lollipops" like Nicole Richie are giving us "thick" girlies a bad name. Empress, you are NOT FAT! Just keep saying that ... and please, don't take any phonecalls from whackos like Anna Nicole ... Hmmm ... Those nuts both have "Nicole" in common ... A conspiracy?
DaisyMae Maus

Anonymous said...

We're NOT fat! We're pleasantly plump!! And you know what else? We dont skinny dip, we chunky dunk! hehe

local girl said...

Real kitties have curves! Don't worry about a thing. You're perfect just the way you are!