Monday, December 18, 2006

Mirrorcat Manor

In the wake of the enormous success of Animal Planet's Meerkat Manor, I received a phone call asking that I consider starring in a spin-off: Mirrorcat Manor.

Um...only HELL YEAH!

In contrast to the humble drama of the original series, my series is going to examine the opulent and luxurious lifestyle I lead in my natural habitat (my Agent's house). It will explore the natural conflict/loyalty between me and my burrow-mates, as well as how we deal with intruders and manage life's daily challenges.

Here's a sample from the first episode. While Meercat Manor is narrated by Sean Astin (of "Encino Man" fame...HUH? He was in a small, independent film called "Lord of the Rings?" I was not aware...), I was able to choose my own narrator. Because of the melodious and lilting timbre of his voice, I chose Gilbert Gottfried.

Enjoy a transcript from our first episode:



NARRATOR: One of the world's greatest wonders is the Mirrorcat. Once thought to be a legend from the days of yore, artifacts recently obtained from a West Michigan dumpster has led us to the home of one royal Mirrorcat and her brood.

[Camera zooms in on Kukka, stretching on the floor in the sunshine and yawning loudly.]

NARRATOR: Mirrorcats get their names from their incredible arrogance and over-inflated egos. It is said the demise of the species can be directly attributed to the freakish imbalance of time spent admiring themselves, versus the time required to hunt for food and adequately protect themselves from their natural predators: Paparazzi. While it is unknown why Kukka-Maria has out-survived her brethren, we intend to explore the daily life of this lone Mirrorcat and those with whom she shares a burrow.

[Theme music begins and a photo montage rolls with the opening credits.]

NARRATOR: Meet Empress Kukka-Maria, the alpha-female. Living with this gang since autumn of 1999, she uses her dominant personality and vulgar profanity to keep her clan in line. While the rest of the gang love and respects her, it is the fear she instills in them that keeps her on top. She often gives the air of no regret, but the fact she was spayed as a small kitten and unable to have a litter of her own is something with which she struggles. Perhaps that is why she is so bossy to her crew...

This is Brach Lee. Despite the fact he is not an actual Mirrorcat, but a regular Tomcat Tabby, Brach joined the gang one year after Kukka. He is far more timid and complacent, thereby making him a far more appealing burrow-mate than Kukka. Suffering from extreme OCD, Brach finds managing eleventy-three compulsive ticks a huge chore, so he spends most of his day sleeping under the covers of The Agent's bed or perched on the closet shelf in the spare bedroom. From this vantage point, he is able to monitor the room's activity and keep himself safe.

This is The Agent. Most consider her a benevolent angel for undertaking the task of housing a Mirrorcat and protecting the delicate Tomcat; Kukka views her as competition, or at least an inconvenience. Teeth-baring battles between the two females on a daily basis keep the burrow interesting, but stressful. While The Agent provides food, fluids, litter and other necessities that keep the lazy Mirrorcat alive and content, Kukka-Maria never seems to be satisfied and makes it known constantly. While both Kukka and Brach can be identified by their consistent fur coats, The Agent is constantly changing--sometimes barefoot, sometimes sporting various forms of shoes. It is believed that The Agent will change her appearance with the seasons and with her emotions. Peculiar.

[Opening theme ends and we see Brach sleeping peacefully on the back of the couch.]

NARRATOR: It's been a tiring morning for the gang. While The Agent left for hours to hunt for food and otherwise provide for the family's every need, the morning at home for the Mirrorcat was filled with challenges. With frustrations running high due to lack of snacks, Kukka directs her anger not toward the source--but toward Brach. As he sleeps peacefully on the back of the burrow's couch, she approaches him from behind and gently, yet forcefully, places her front paw on his back. As is typical of a Mirrorcat, taking another tribe-member's prime sleeping spot is her focus. You can see that, despite opening his eyes a crack to see what is going on, he is refusing to move. On and on she presses, now moving her other front paw onto his back. Standing firmly on the little tom's spine, she leans down and begins biting the back of his neck. This reinforces her dominance and sends a clear eviction message. After minutes of passive protest, Brach vacates the spot and the Mirrorcat settles in for a nap.

[There is a knock at the door.]

NARRATOR: Not expecting a visitor, Kukka tentatively approaches the door. After she asks the visitor's identity through the door, she is startled as an impatient paparazzo barges in. Instinctively, she and Brach scatter to find safe hiding spots. As the predatorial, camera-toting woman wanders from room to room, searching for Kukka, Brach watches from his vantage-point on the clothes dryer. Seeing Kukka under the kitchen table, admiring herself in a mirror, Brach sends out a warning meow. Kukka, so enthralled with her appearance, ignores it. In one swift motion, the paparazzo scoops her up and cuddles her. It is disturbing to watch as Kukka squirms and tries desperately to run for her life. Kiss. Kiss. Hug. Another Kiss. As an observer, it's painful for us to watch, but we must remember it is all part of nature's horrifying reality. Mirrorcats, while their own biggest fan, are always at risk for attacks from admirers. Finally freeing herself by scratching and biting, Kukka runs for the bedroom and the paparazzo leaves the way she came in. Brach is quaking, but peace has returned to the burrow.

[The Agent returns home after a long day of hunting and otherwise providing for the gang.]

NARRATOR: Watch as the Mirrorcat greets The Agent. We would assume that she would be grateful for the treats she is about to receive, but then we are not Mirrorcats. Instead of gratitude, Kukka whines for more treats. More. Again. Now. The pleas are ceaseless. With a sharp and terse tone, The Agent scolds Kukka. Watch how the agitated Mirrorcat rejects The Agent's constructive feedback! She whines louder to show her dominance. The Agent, seemingly fearless, stands toe to toe with Kukka. As is Mirrorcat culture, when a female challenges the dominant female--in this case, The Agent challenging Kukka, the alpha-female is sure to evict the challenger from the gang and the burrow. The face-off continues, but in a curious move, Kukka retreats and goes to pluck the carpet in defiance. No eviction. But is the battle over?

[Brach is eating at the food bowl.]

NARRATOR: After a long day of patiently waiting his turn at the burrow's food source, Brach tentatively approaches and begins to eat the fruits of The Agent's early morning hunt. After a few minutes, Brach can feel Kukka's eyes burning into his back. Trying to ignore her, Brach knows if he makes eye-contact, his meal will surely be finished. Kukka stealthily crawls closer and fixes her glaring eyes on the small tomcat. Allowing a sinister moan to escape her throat, she lunges toward the bowl and chases Brach away. But does she eat? No! That is the mystery of the Mirrorcat. Dominance for the sake of sport.

[Kukka is lying on the floor amidst The Agent's guests. Filling the room with her flatulence, she meows tenderly, hoping to get strokes and admiration.]

NARRATOR: Join us next time, when we'll watch more of the passive-aggressive methods Kukka uses to get her way. When the gang poses for publicity photos, Kukka shows who is boss by invading every picture of Brach. Plus, Oprah makes a surprise visit to the burrow, causing chaos and carnage aplenty. Next time...on Mirrorcat Manor.

14 comments:

Carmen said...

can I be part of the supporting cast? :)

Kukka-Maria said...

Absolutely! In fact, if Gilbert keeps up with the negative attitude, I just may ask you to narrate!

The Meezers said...

i fink my sweet voice would be good for narration too! - Miles

Hey Brach buddy, we has plenty of food in our burrow, if you gets hungry, come on ofurr, you can haf your own bowl! - Sammy

Cheysuli said...

Excellent work Kukka. I think you did a fine job!

Anonymous said...

Oh I am taking notes. Momma thinks I might grow into a Mirrorcat. She thinks you have been a bad influence on me 'cause I used to be so sweet and I am becoming a domineering little cat... I don't care! you are my idol!!!

Kukka-Maria said...

Miles: You have a beautiful narration voice, but do you know English? Remember, the target demographic for this show doesn't understand Meow.

Chey: Thank you. Thankyouverymuch!

Gemini: Your idol? Wow! I mean, I completely understand why, but it's nice to hear it! ;) And, tell your mother that compared to me, you're still a sweet little cat.

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Kukka-Maria--we've already set the Tivo, baby. We are very excited to see you on Animal Planet, but we have to make sure that our daily schedule of chasing our tails, napping, and using puppy pee pads is not interrupted.

Kukka-Maria said...

PCP: "Puppy Pee Pads?" That sounds like a derogatory nickname for a little bullied dog.

"Hey, Puppy Pee Pads! You pee on pads!"

Puppies can be so cruel!

Zeus said...

Wow! I'm looking forward to more episodes! This is a fascinating look into feline behavior and how it is influenced by our surroundings. You are truly groundbreaking, Kukka!

Scooby, Shaggy & Scout said...

Kukka this sneak peek is teriffic! It will garner another award for your trophy room.

DEBRA said...

Kukka

YOU are fabulous!

Can't wait for the start of the new season episodes!

Abby

tiggerprr said...

Kukka, this might be even more riviting than Meerkat Manor!

K T Cat said...

Oprah visits? I cna't wait! Please, please don't separate them. Oprah could do with some claw marks!

William said...

We STILL don't have cable. I don't think my mom is budging. ::scowl::