It's typical this time of year for people to suck up to those they
WAIT! DON'T GO AWAY! THERE IS STILL IMPORTANT STUFF IN THIS LETTER!
Instead of simply listing the Christmas delights I would love to receive, I am going to list the things I expected to get over the last year, which you failed to deliver.
Consider this your Christmas invoice for services owed.
- I must be loved on, petted, cuddled and stroked 24 hours each day. Period. The expectation was set early. I reinforce it often. As I reflect on all the days in which this goal was not met (try 100% of the days), I find the blame can not be placed on the "me" part of "we." I have made myself available to you at every turn, only to be shoved aside, reprimanded and otherwise shunned. I have voiced my need, only to be ignored. And you wonder why I you must pay exorbitant psychiatric bills to address my self-esteem issues?
needdeserve treats several times throughout each day. You say you have a job. You say you have a social life. You even say I am "portly" and should have my treats restricted! Boo, Agent...BOO! All you've done this year, by merely dolling out treats two times per day, is show how incredibly selfish you are.
- I must be paid more for my work. I blog, I make public appearances, I charm the crowds and
tolerategraciously appreciate my fans. I literally work my tail off (I wear a clip-on) to provide you the extravagant lifestyle to which you've become accustomed. In looking over the 2006 figures, I was shocked to find a) you take 99.9% of my earnings and b) I don't get paid to blog! We need to renegotiate our contractual agreement.
- I want the brother gone. Wait. No. He warms up my sleeping spots before I bully him out of them. He lets me get first-crack at the treats when they are distributed. He is, in fact, a better housemate than you!
- I want YOU gone.
- I want my very own art studio. I'm a talented empress! I have mad drawing skillz, but no private place in which to create! I love constructing my best-selling book covers, producing visual pieces for Highlights Magazine, designing my own clothing line, and creating stunning self portraits (especially those in which I do my "personal grooming"). Why must you rob me of this joy? It wouldn't be "jealousy," would it?
- I want a live-in boyfriend, or at least a boy-toy. I may be a cat, but I am also a woman...with needs (if you know what I'm talking 'bout). If you insist upon locking me up in the house all day long, the least you can do is provide me with some sexual healing. My wonder-down-under will thank you for it!
- I want the constant emails from Oprah and Star Jones-Reynolds automatically sent to my spam box. I'd rather read about "Springbreak sluts with whip cream play" sent by my anonymous friend "#!*^m42*Y" than hear about how "adorable and well-behaved" Oprah's dogs are or how "adorable and well-behaved" Star's gay husband is! Block them!
- I want you to keep the booze unlocked. I know I've had some slip-ups this last year. I know I've embarrassed you with my drunken tirades in front of your friends. I know you locked up the glasses, thinking that would deter me, and I guzzled straight from the bottle. I also know, though, that everyone deserves a
second third fourthanother chance! I promise I'll stick to the water in my bowl (or at least drink vodka that will look like the water in my bowl)!
I'm going to keep the list at nine items so you won't get overwhelmed with my
As for what I'm giving you this year? I'd like to think that this letter is my way of giving you the best gift of all: HONEST FEEDBACK.
Seasons Greetings, Ho-Ho-Ho-Bag!
[Editor's Note: If you want to read more of Kukka's Open letters to me (I had to, why shouldn't you), check out her "Open Letter to my Agent" archive.]