Well, the bitch got me. You know how I despise Oprah; somehow she coerced me into making another appearance on her show. And when I say "somehow," I mean she lured me with the promise of a car. And, despite the fact I am not legally allowed to drive, you know how I gots to have my cars!
I thought you, my dear readers, deserved to hear this from me. I divulged a scandalous secret on her show--something I had vowed to take to my grave. Something about which I am embarrassed. Worse than that, the chaos that followed was atrocious. While I remained lady-like, Oprah made a complete ass of herself.
Read, but please don't judge. And when I say "don't judge," I mean me. Judge Oprah all you want!
[Oprah opens the show.]
Oprah: Ladies and gentleman (there was, of course, only one man in the audience--the husband of some woman who dragged him to the show), today's show is going to be amazing. Most of you know her; all of you love her. Please welcome, KUKKA-MA-RI-A!
[The audience bursts in to deafening applause as Kukka meanders onto the stage, stopping to examine her cuticles and groom herself.]
Oprah: Kuk-ka-Ma-ri-a! Get your tail up here and talk with me.
Kukka: [Looks at Oprah, rolls her eyes and leaps onto the leather guest chair] Hey.
O: Kukka! I am so excited you decided to pay a visit!
K: Don't get too excited. I'm still in a secret fight with you and, technically, you are still dead to me.
O: [Embarrassed, she smiles weakly at the audience.] Now, come on, Kukka. You can't forgive me for sitting you with my dogs at my Legends Ball? You can't hold a grudge like that, can you?
K: Yes. Yes, I can. [The audience explodes into thunderous applause.]
O: [Looking stunned at the audience's clear support for Kukka, Oprah quickly continues.] Well, let's move on. I don't think the audience is interested in our feud.
K: [The audience suddenly begins chanting, in unison: FEUD! FEUD! FEUD! Kukka grins and begins cleaning her ass.] Yes. Let's move on.
O: It's been quite awhile since you've released an album or penned a book. Why the long hiatus? Has you creativity pool been completely tapped?
K: First off, the depth of my creativity is limitless. I've not done any work lately because I'm exhausted. Plus, how am I to fit projects into my hectic schedule of sleeping 18 hours per day? Come on, Oprah. Give me a well-deserved break!
O: Fair enough, Empress. Let's talk about your love life. George Clooney's beloved pig, Max, just passed away. It was rumored you dated him at one point. How heart-broken are you?
K: My grief over Max's passing is private. I've dated many human men, animals of all kinds...Max was a special being. [Stopping to wipe a tear from her eye, Kukka continues.] [EXPLETIVE] you, Oprah, for making me cry!
O: [Amused at Kukka's sudden display of vulnerability, Oprah stifles a giggle.] Let's talk about the trail of broken hearts you have left in your wake, Miss Kukka. Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp...I could go on and on. And I haven't even mentioned the six boys you juggle in your Tomcat Stable! Why, Kukka? Why haven't you allowed one of those toms to make an honest woman of you?
K: I refuse to answer that. It's personal. It's private.
O: Come on, Empress! Audience? Don't you want to know why Kukka won't settle down with one of her super-sexy tomcats?
[The audience rises to their feet with enthusiastic shouts and applause.]
K: [Hissing, Kukka glares at Oprah.] How. Dare. You.
O: Come on, Kukka. Dish!
K: [Kukka hangs her head in shame.] I'm allergic.
O: Allergic? I don't understand!
K: I'm allergic. To cats.
O: But...that makes no...I don't get it! How can you be allergic to cats? You are a cat!
K: It's the dander. It's the fur. Sometimes, it's their horrific breath. I'm not talking about the toms in my stable, of course. Just your run-of-the-mill felines out there.
O: So is that why you are drawn to human men?
K: Yes. Of course, that is also why the relationship between Robin Williams and I didn't last. He is quite the hairy beast.
O: You heard it here, people! KUK-KA-MA-RI-A IS AL-LER-GIC TO CATS!
K: [Suddenly realizing what she has divulged, Kukka bears her claws and whispers.] You aren't going to air this, are you?
O: [Leaning in and hissing, Oprah delivers quite the blow.] You bet your furry little ass I am!
K: You're a bitch, Oprah. Bitch! [Kukka raises to her feet and takes a swipe at Oprah's face, claws blazing.]
O: [Yells for security.] I am dead to you? YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!
K: Bull-[EXPLETIVE], you [EXPLETIVE]ing, [EXPLETIVE]ing whore! I would rather rot in [EXPLETIVE]ing hell than talk to you again! You are more than dead to me. You were dead to me, then I brought you back to life just to make you dead to me all over again! Oh, and your precious [EXPLETIVE]ing dogs are ugly. Yes. Ugly. And, I've heard they have genital warts.
O: GET HER OUT OF HERE!
[Security officers, on loan from The Jerry Springer Show, lunge for Kukka, who leaps off the chair, runs off-stage and into her waiting limo.]
O: [Trying to compose herself, Oprah addresses the audience.] Well, I promised a great show. Did I deliver? DID I DE-LIV-ER?
[The audience, stunned, sits in silence.]
O: [Fluffing her hair, Oprah throws to commercial.] We'll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. We're making TATER-TOTS!
[The audience is back on their feet, chanting TA-TER-TOTS! TA-TER-TOTS! All is well again in The Universe de Oprah.]
Despite the fact it would have made great television, I refused to sign the release after the taping (suck on that, Oprah), so the show will never air. It's clear that Oprah and I are off-again friends. Again. She betrayed me by crawling inside my brain and fetching my deepest, darkest secret. I will never forgive her.
Unless she comes through with that car...
[Editor's note: The only person Kukka-Maria despises more than Oprah is Blogger (and yes, we are of the opinion "Blogger" is a person). If Blogger continues to give us attitude regarding the posting of our photos, Kukka has sworn she will kick him in the junk, with all four paws, so hard he cries. Blogger, you have been warned. And, if I were you, I'd think twice about calling her bluff!.]