I've had it.
My agent stepped on my foot again last week. Aside from the excruciating physical pain, my heart ached because I've invested so much time and energy into training her properly. And for what!?
I've decided I need a stunt-double to handle these types of situations. When my agent gets too close with her treacherous paws, I need the option to yell, "STUNT DOUBLE!" and have a professional pain pro step in.
I placed an ad and received eleventy-eight responses. I asked my agent to select a few I could interview; I think I need your help. I'm going to ask you to set aside the fact none of them are as super-sexy as I. Please consider their personalities, expressed stunting abilities, and slight resemblance to me. Since you, my dear readers, devote so much time to admiring my super-sexy self and reading my amazingly witty words, I feel you should have a say.
On a side note: All of the candidates are local, since they must be available at a moment's notice. If you click on their photos, you will be taken to their Pet Finder profile, as they are all available for adoption. (This is a strong hint for those local West Michigan readers who have a heart, some extra room for a Kukka look-alike, and are free from feline allergies.)
Read on. Take notes. Opine in the comments.
SUPER-SEXINESS RATING (1-10): 5 (would have been a 3, but she is working that over-the-shoulder seductive look)
JOB HISTORY: Professional Cheerleader for the Canadian Football League's Hamilton Tiger-Cats (2005-Present)
I see you are a professional cheerleader. What does that entail, exactly?
Oh yeah...I chant, smile, get the crowd and team riled up by flaunting my exquisite multiple nipples, and look adorable, eh? Then, after the game, we hang with the team and drink a two-four.
Okay. I see...what I just heard was "Blah, blah, blah, exquisite multiple nipples, blah, blah." So you're of the belief your multiple nipples are so notable they can whip a crowd of people into a frenzy...
Of course! They are magnificent, dontcha know! I'm told I have my birth mother to thank for their perkiness. You know what they say: "Shake what your mama gave you!"
I hate to take issue with what you're saying, but if your nips are so superior, why did your team have such a dismal 2006 season? 4 wins. 14 losses. Would you go as far as to say your multiple nipples were so hypnotic that the team could not focus enough to deliver more wins? I SAID WOULD YOU?
I guess...I don't...why are you being so combative?
I'll ask the questions here. Good day, Litabit. I think I have everything I need to make my decision.
I said good day.
MY OPINION: All bitches who think their nips are more celebrated than mine need not apply.
BREED: Domestic Kukkish
SUPER-SEXINESS RATING (1-10): 7 (would have been less than a 5, but he looks a lot like me and I'm a sucker for a good looking tomcat.
JOB HISTORY: Male model (2004-Present)
So...Rocky. Is "Rocky" short for anything? Rockford? Rockington? Rocktastic?
[Grooming his paws] No. It's just Rocky.
Have you ever been a stunt-double before? I mean, based on your huge muscles, I would say you're no stranger to dangerous and physically challenging work.
[Flexing his tail] Thanks for noticing my muscles. I do butt crunches four times a day. I must admit, it's really the compliments and random ass-grabs that motivate me to keep my buttocks firm. No, I've never done stunt work. I spend most of my days focusing on grooming, looking in the mirror and working out.
So it says here you are a male model. How did you get into that?
[Posing for what appears to be an imaginary camera] I was approached by Tyra Banks to be on America's Next Top Model. At the last minute, they decided to focus on human chick-models, so I was out. Tyra never forgot me, though. Thanks to her, I've had a healthy career in print and runway modeling.
I see here you are a tomcat. Hmmmm. Can you act like a super-sexy empress? I mean, you are supposed to pass for me.
[Suddenly standing and prancing around the room, as if on a runway. Walk. Pose. Walk. Cock head. Pose. Walk.] I don't know. What do you think?
Wow. Pretty feminine. Now, this job poses quite a danger to your paws. Are you opposed to wearing steel-toed shoes?
Um...this season's or last?
This season, of course!
No problem. Would they be Prada, Gucci, Ferragamo...
Probably Timberland or some generic brand.
Oooooh. I see. I suppose that wouldn't be an issue. You're an inside cat, right? I mean, I wouldn't have to be seen in public wearing...[throwing up a little bit in his mouth] NON-DESIGNER shoes.
Of course not. You will be safely tucked inside the house with me, although, the paparazzi tend to watch the windows closely. I can really make no guarantees you won't end up in "What Were They Thinking?" in US Weekly. Now, I think it's important for you to know I put out. Are you opposed to flying your freak flag with me?
I suppose. You are able to do great things for my career, right?
That's not a problem; I will hook you up. Now, I've written a couple of books I'd like you to study. They will prepare you for the ecstasy that is Kukka-Maria: "You Don’t Have to Work That Hard to Get Into my Pants—I'm Not Wearing Any!" and "The Kama Sutra for Super-Sexy Cats--Let Your Fur Down and Wave that Freak Flag!"
I see. [Examining his cuticles and sucking litter bits out of his paws] So...am I going to get this job or what?
Only time will tell, my sweet...come with mama to the casting couch. I'll be gentle.
MY OPINION: Very arrogant and self-serving. I detest people like that! [Editor's note: You are people like that, Empress!] Perhaps I could just keep him on retainer as a Boy-Toy!
BREED: Kukkan Short-Hair
SUPER-SEXINESS RATING (1-10): 2 (could have been higher if she had not reeked of liquor)
JOB HISTORY: Shot girl at Señor Frog's in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico (2003-2005) Group Leader, Alcoholics Anonymous (2005-Present)
Hi, Poppy. Poppy? Poppy...
[Offering nothing but thunderous snores and some sleep-talk] You wanna shot? I gots some tequila to kill ya! [inaudible] You want me to what? Take off my top and get sprayed with a hose? [more mumbling] ONLY HELL-YEAH!
Listen, Poppy? Is there a better time for us to talk? Poppy? Can you hear me?
[Indistinguishable ramblings] I'll hold the funnel, you drink the beer. It's that simple, mother-fu...
I think this interview is over. While I've been known to indulge, I would never show up to a job interview intoxicated...again.
MY OPINION: I think she'd be a hoot and a half on a Saturday night, but she just may lack the alertness I need in a stunt-double.
BREED: Pit Bull Terrier Mix
SUPER-SEXINESS RATING (1-10): 4 (would have been higher, but she is a dog. Their super-sexiness ceilings are far lower than cats.)
JOB HISTORY: Spokes-dog for Anheuser-Busch's failed revival of the Spuds McKenzie phenomenon of the 1980's (2006-2006)
[Trying not to stare at her ginormous ears] So, Shiloh. It says here you are a baby...7-8 months old. How's that working for you?
Fine, I guess. I don't know anything different, really.
Right. Right. [Squinting to read her resumé in the shadow of those ears] So you've got this dog thing going on. How did you get into that?
Well, my birth parents were dogs, so I sort of stumbled into it.
Sure. I see. Look, I need to be honest with you, Shiloh. You look nothing like me. I don't know if this will work.
I can wear a full-body wig.
Yes, I am sure you can, but I don't think there is a wig alive that can hide those ears. And I don't mean to be exceedingly picky, but what happened to your right eyebrow that you have to pencil it on now?
[Scratching nervously at her monstrous ear] It was an unfortunate accident on the Budweiser set where a renegade tiki torch fell on my head, igniting my right brow. Yes, I have to pencil it on every day, but I think it looks incredibly natural!
Yes. I believe you think that. Shiloh, do you think it's possible you are ill-matched for this stunt-double job?
If you can't handle a runaway tiki torch, how are you going to deal with my agent's unusually large feet and their wrath?
I think you should know I don't expect to get paid. I received sizable settlements from Anheuser-Busch and the tiki torch manufacturer after the accident. I don't need the money. I am in it for the adventure.
A wig, huh? Perhaps we could tape your ears down to your head. We'll see what we can do.
MY OPINION: NO NEED TO PAY HER? I THINK WE'VE GOT A WINNER!