Tuesday, October 31, 2006

KuuKuu in her Muumuu

My agent was serious about the muumuu.

She found the pattern online.

She knitted it.

I thought she was delusional and it was just a sorry attempt at a lame joke.

It wasn't.

Last night, she unveiled what she is now calling a "masterpiece."

I am pretty sure she is not using that word correctly.



I can't...I don't...I just can not find the words!




A little help here, Brach?! You little suck-up...




She said she had to cut the ruffle short because her circular needles were not long enough to take another 100% increase in stitches (whatever).

She, like the pattern creator, had to add a ribbon to the top to secure it under my arms (bitch).

She said she chose purple because it is the traditional color of royalty (gag).

While she enjoyed the final product tremendously (and appreciated the aerobic work-out she received while wrestling me into it), she'd promised she'd never put it on me again because she loves and respects me.

Despite my best judgment, I think I may keep her around for a little while longer...

Monday, October 30, 2006

Open Letter to Zeus--Lecherous Casanova

Dear Zeus (if that is your real name),

I realize you were upset that you were not chosen the winner of the "Scoop the Tabloids" contest. I know you worked hard on your entries and, because of our intimate relationship, thought you would be a clear winner. I am sorry it didn't go down the way you hoped. I want to affirm you: Your entries were colorful and descriptive. They had both shock and awe value, all the while divulging more about me to my public than I ever wanted them to know. I was a big fan of your scoops, but the celebrity panel of judges just did not agree.

Donny Osmond, still sore from our ancient feud with he and his sister, immediately put the kibosh on your entries. "Dirty. Foul. I feel like I need to take a shower after reading these. This cat calls himself a Mormon?"

Charo took up for you, though, "Coochie, coochie! He ees no Morrrmon! He ees un gato!"

Barry Williams kept comparing your story with his own, about he and Mrs. Brady under the Craft Service table in the 70's. "You have to admit Florence Henderson was...is hot, people! And I totally did her! Did I tell you we had a relationship?"

"Yes, Greg Brady. You did," sighed a frustrated and disenchanted Mindy Cohn. "Need I remind you that I did some pretty crazy scenes with George Clooney when he was on Facts of Life with us? Superstar hunk. George. Clooney. Not some Wesson Oil bitch!"

Everyone tried to get Carrot Top to weigh in on your stories, but he just kept pulling toilet seats out of a prop trunk and punching a huge number-pad on his chest. "1-800-C-A-L-L-A-T-T!"

Yes, I understand your disappointment, Zeus, but that does not justify your actions this weekend and why you are now on double-secret-probation from The Tomcat Stable. In fact, the jury is still out, but you may even be put on my Shit Litter List.

When the phone rang on Saturday night, I never would have guessed it was you. It was fortunate for me, my agent and I picked up extensions at the same time, or I never would have heard the following exchange:


Agent: "Hello?"

Zeus: "Welllllllelllo, Mrs. Kukka's Agent! Whats you up to, super-foxy lady?"

A: "Who is this?"

Z: "It's ZEUS, you whore! How many tomcats do you have phoning to call you a foxy lady? I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...I'm so very, very sorry, agent. That is just the alcohol talkin'. It's me, baby! The Thunder from Down Under!"

A: "Zeus, the CAT?"

Z: "The one and only! Did you likey my jokey? When I said The Thunder from Down Under, I was talkin' 'bout my man parts dow..."

A: "Yes. I got it. Zeus, why are you calling? Did you want to speak with Kukka-Maria?"

Z: "No. I was callin' to talkin' with you! Hey! That rhymed! Callin' and talkin' and what-not..."

A: "It didn't rhyme, Zeus. Why are you calling to talk with me, exactly?"

Z: "I'm drunk-dialin' ya, bitch! I love you! I...LOVE...YOU!!! I want to be with you! I want to put the beast back in beastiali..."

A: "Zeus! Shut it! Does your Human Pet know you are using the phone to call long-distance? And, moreover, does she know you've been drinking?"

Z: "You betcha! She knows I've been drinking! She's been servin' up Tequila Cocktails for me all night! OLÉ, SEXY SEÑORITA! Big ups to my Human Pet, y'all! She also knows I'm on the phone on-a-counta she dialed for me! I'M DRUNK-DIALIN' KUKKA'S AGENT, BITCHES!"

A: "Zeus, I think this is a tad inappropriate. Why don't you hang up the phone, sleep it off, and we'll agree to never talk about this again. Not to Kukka. Not to one another. And, for crying out loud, not to the blogging community!"

Z: "Why doesn't Kukka love me like I love her?" (Ah, the drunken tears.)

A: "She finds you very intriguing, Zeus. She loves you just as much as she loves the other members of her Tomcat Stable. If you love her at all, Zeus, you'll hang up this phone right now and quit professing your love for me."

Z: "I love you, Agent. I love you like the day is loooooong. I love you like a beeyootiful sunset and a glorious Tequila Sunrise. Hey, Human Pet! Whip me up one-a-them Tequila Sunseriseses!"

A: "Goodbye, Zeus. I'll pretend this never happened. I suggest you do the same."



Pretend it never happened, indeed, Zeus. If you are angry about the contest? Tell me. If you want to direct that anger toward me? Do it. If you want to bone my agent? Take a hike.

You knew the deal when we got together, Zeus. I am your one and only. You, however, share my heart with countless other males--human and tomcat, alike. That is just the way it is.

Would you have ever told me about this conversation, Zeus? Would you have ever admitted you drunk-dialed my agent if I hadn't heard the entire exchange...or would I have found out AT YOUR WEDDING?

Double-secret-probation, indeed!

Respectfully,
Kukka-Maria
"Her royal Highness, The Empress," to you, sir!

Friday, October 27, 2006

Who is the Poop in the Scoop Contest?

Ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who fit in neither category (because of breeding or behavior)...it's time to announce the winner of the Scoop the Tabloids Contest!

As you know, the winner of the contest may or may not yield multiple offers of employment from esteemed tabloid magazines and they may or may not be featured on such illustrious shows as Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, E! News Daily, etc. They may or may not be invited to interview celebrities at red carpet events and they may or may not become BFFs with Brangelina (I'm leaning toward the may not on this one).

Regardless of the superfluous "perks," the winner of the contest WILL receive international acclaim on this blog (read by squillions world-wide) and WILL receive his or her choice of one custom-tailored (or off-the-shelf) Kukka Couture tee-shirt.

Before we get to the big announcement, I have to take a moment to thank our committee of celebrity judges:
  • Carrot Top (Prop Comedian, who will be performing at The Giggle Barn this coming weekend in Valley City, ND).
  • Donny Osmond (Who is, reportedly, a "little bit rock-and-roll").
  • Barry Williams (Former Brady Bunch heart-throb, Greg, who also penned the book "Growing Up Brady." Which, embarrassingly, sits on my agent's bookshelf.).
  • Mindy Cohn (Facts of Life's Natalie, who doesn't even understand why she was included).
  • Charo (coochie-coochie).
A special "thank-you" goes out to Brian Pitt (Brad's older, and far more successful, brother. A highly-regarded accountant and part-time realtor, he is super-sexier than Brad.) for tabulating the votes and authenticating the results.

Without further ado, let's go to commercial!

(Did you really think I would pull a Seacrest like that?)

The person taking home the goods this round is...
Carmen from Gone to Plaid!

Carmen's disturbing speculation of the real reason for my absence was supported by some even more disturbing photos. Her article, titled "Botox or Detox?", made our panel laugh, cry and throw up in their mouths a little bit.
"Is Kukka-Marie secretly having BOTOX? This picture was "taken" hours after Kukka landed in Minneapolis, where Kukka checked in under the assumed name "Suzanne Somers" at a posh "resort" that doesn't show up on any searches at Hotels.com. Things that make this writer go hmmmm."
Suzanne Somers...snort.

Carmen, please contact me to discuss details about claiming your due reward!

Now, I'd like to take a moment to thank the other contestants who submitted stellar stories. While I pled with the committee to reward you all with Kukka Couture, they reminded me that if I were to do so, my overhead would be through the roof and I would have less money to spend on myself.

That ain't happening.

Special thanks to the other contributors:
  • Samantha, at Mommy Needs a Mai-Tai. Not only did she write a wonderful and very complimentary piece about how amazing I am, she also divulged I was sporting a bursting belly, full of kittens and was being sent to a home for "wayward cat momma's." Nice.
  • KitKatKnit, who supplied two entries. The first was an expose about the rivalry between Dame Judi Dench and I called, "Empress Kukka-Maria Gets Hissy, Dame Judi Gets All Pissy." The second was a look into allegations that I am starring in the new chapter of "Pirates of the Caribbean," titled, "Pirates of the St. Paul River." While I am contractually obligated to stay mum about this, I am always thrilled to read about me making out with Johnny Depp.
  • Miles Meezer, who dished on a drunk dial I made to him. Miles, is nothing sacred between us? I don't want the other members of the Tomcat Stable getting jealous...
  • Gemini, who shared details of my international adoption. While she eluded to the fact that I was acquiring a Thai baby merely for status, and had almost immediately abandoned the child in Brach's care so I could attend my conference, I am glad she did properly quote me. Fortunately, the hype around the Madonna/David adoption overshadowed this article and I was able to sneak under the radar...for now.
  • Zeus, who delved into the dark side of our relationship. The walk down Memory Lane that included tequila, Oprah, wool mittens, and paparazzi was a delight. Sorry about dominating you too much. I thought you were tougher than that, Zeus! He also wrote about our experimentations with S&M. That will teach you to ignore me during your Amazing Zeus adventures! Spank! Spank!
  • Cheysuli, who exposed my "questionable" emails to a young, male cat. Thankfully, she failed to discuss the "questionable" emails I sent to Congressman Mark Foley!
  • Jacob the Syrian Hamster, revered member of The Feline Theocracy, who refrained from scooping to legally protect himself from a libel suit. Jacob, I secretly think you didn't dish because you love me...
  • Amanuensis (under the pen-name Angelique), guardian of Aloysius Katz, spoke of a crazy romp with Darcy Xenophon, world traveler. I have to say that memories of us at Aunt Hattie's both haunt and excite me still! Alcohol and a sexy meezer get me every time!
  • Sparky, who channeled Chris Meowthews. Chris, during a press conference, dispelled several rumors swarming about. I will not be running for Minnesotan Senator. I did not slander the true candidates vying for Senator, representing the great state of Minnesota. I will not be making Iams, nor Purina, mandatory for all Minnesotan cats. Yes, they are tasty, but I am pro-choice on all food issues. Finally, I did not publicly criticize the citizens of Minnesota for voting Jesse Ventura, renowned wrestler, into the office of Governor. Publicly.
  • One of the rats at Poi Rats, Cats and Bun, who suggested that my bi-polar condition caused me to don stilettos and woo a rat. In a romantic trip to his native Hawaii, he spoke of how I got lost in his beady eyes and we ended up swimming, drunk, in the ocean. After our subsequent arrest, I used my one phone call to order a hot bath at a luxury hotel, while he called his mom to bail him out. Despite our passion, it was merely a magical one-night-stand. But aren't one-night-stands full of wonderful memories?
  • Derby, an old and dear friend, who scooped my drunken tirade at his party. Sloshed from Catniptinis and Bloody Kukkas, I must have made a complete ass of myself before passing out next to the blender. What fun I must have [created] missed from that bash! So sorry, Derby, for disrupting your get-together with my drunken exhibition. I did keep my multiple nipples under wraps, right? Crap...
  • Simba, who told the sad tale of me abandoning my alleged birth-mother, broke my heart. While I do have the royal decree that proves my tie to Charles Agustus Poodly Dolfus William Henry Isaac Newton Smith (my birth father) and Willow Danae (my birth mother), it breaks my heart that Sunshine believed I was one of her litter and shunned her like that. If I had known her heartache, I surely would have sent her money or given her a shout-out from the red carpet. That's how I roll. May the sweet Sunshine rest in peace.

You guys were quite the reporters! After reading about my extreme alcohol consumption, I'm going to have to take a look at it. And by "taking a look at it," of course I mean looking at installing a wet bar at my house so I can indulge privately.

Thank you to all who contributed. We're going to have to do this again sometime! I'll bet the tabloid media is steaming that you all scooped them and that they'll have to work harder at getting the goods on me!

Suck it, tabloids.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #9


Thirteen topics about which
Empress Kukka-Maria lectured
at the Super-Sexy Feline Conference
in Minneapolis last week.


  1. Perverted Petting: When it's Okay to Say No.


  2. Run Your Own Business; You Don't Need No Pimp!


  3. Sniffing the Nether-Regions: It's not Just for Dogs Anymore.


  4. Genital Reconstruction Through Plastic Surgery: Pushing Three Litters out of you Hooch ain't Pretty!


  5. So Now You're Completely Bald: The Dangers of Requesting a Brazilian Wax.
    (Because when you get a Brazilian, they rip all the hair off your pu...NOW you get it!)


  6. Muay Thai Street Fighting: You Need More than Claws to Kick Ass.


  7. How to be a Super-Sexy Cat. CANCELLED. IT CAN NOT BE TAUGHT. YOU EITHER HAVE IT OR YOU DONT.


  8. Four Legs or Two, I'm All About You: A Practical look at Inter-Species Dating.


  9. The Divine Miss K: Extensive Exploration into the Unequivocal Scientific Proof of Kukka-Maria's Superiority.


  10. Feline Breast Augmentation: Yes, It's Difficult to walk with 6+ Saline Bags Between Your Legs, but Beauty has its Price!


  11. Tom Cruise Wears Tin-Foil Underwear: Let's Get Honest about Scientology.


  12. Purple Skunk, Jamaican Grizzly and El Guapo: Is Your Current Catnip Enough?


  13. I Gave You my Heart, You Gave me an STD: A Frank Talk about Feline AIDS.



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The Kukka Has Returned


I'm back.

I'm tired.

I'm a tad cranky.
(Partly due to the full-cavity security search at the airport)

I'm satisfied.
(Partly due to the full-cavity security search at the airport)

I'm a pinch hung-over.
(Partly due to the vodka they administered to sedate me
for the full-cavity security search at the airport)

I'm going to sleep today and write tomorrow.

The panel of celebrity judges will be reading all the Scoop the Tabloids entries and I will announce the winner of the Designer Kukka-Tee on Friday. Thank you to all who contributed! I learned I am wilder, crazier, and sluttier than I thought!

With all that documented activity, I think I need another vacation!

By the way, if you get a chance, Frog My Blog has reviewed my site. I'd be interested in knowing your feedback, as well.

As long as you tell me I'm exquisite...

Monday, October 16, 2006

SCOOP THE TABLOIDS CONTEST!

The paparazzi and tabloid attention I've been receiving lately has gotten completely out of control! Even you, my dear fans and readers, have expressed your concern with slimy reporters hounding you for information about me! I recognize how stressful that can be for "normal, non-celebritic" folk like you, so I especially wish to thank you for refusing to dish to those revolting beasts.

Over the weekend, I tossed and turned in fitful sleep--maybe getting only 14 of my typical 18 hours each day. "This must stop!" I screamed.

"Hush it..." my agent mumbled as she kicked me off the bed.

"I'll hush when you GIVE ME TREATS, WOMAN!" I shouted.

"Keep your angst focused, empress. Begging for treats just keeps you from dealing with the real issues. You don't want to become a 'stress eater,' do you?"

"Damned paparazzi..." I mumbled as I began counting sheep with high-powered zoom lenses hanging from their necks.

Suddenly, the ghost of that dame, Judi Dench, appeared to gently place the solution in my cold, little heart.

I'm sorry...what? I'm being told her title is Dame Judi Dench. And she's not dead.

Whatever.

Anyway, Judi said, in her spooky ghost voice, "The only way to beat the tabloid media is to SCOOP THEM! And, before you say it, Kukka...I don't mean scoop in the same way one would scoop a litter box. I mean release a story before they can break it!"

"Judi, you bitch! You stole my corny litter joke! Good thing you gave some solid advice as a chaser"

SCOOP THE TABLOIDS! BRILLIANT!

As I mentioned in my last "Dear Kukka..." installment, I am going to be attending the Super-Sexy, Hyper-Talented Feline Convention in Minneapolis this week. As the sole presenter and only attendee (no other cats qualified), I am going to have my paws full with doing all the presenting and listening (also signing autographs for myself)! As a result, I will not be posting on my blog from Tuesday, Oct 17, through Wednesday, Oct 25.

While I am gone, I am asking for your help in SCOOPING THE TABLOIDS by sharing your tabloid-worthy stories with my readers!

Here are the details:
  1. Share stories about me, about me and you, about me and other celebrities, etc. in the comment section of this post. Just be sure it's about me in some form. And don't act so surprised that it has to be about me! Have we just met?
  2. If you prefer to produce photographic evidence of my exploits on your site, be sure to link directly to that post within the comments of this post so others can find and appreciate it.
  3. Be creative in retelling our escapades! Be detailed (primarily because I was probably either too drunk or high on catnip to recall a thing)!
  4. Tell more than one story! We've hung out a lot. We've shared some laughs and some jail cells. Let the stories fly! I would rather have them posted here than on the pages of US Weekly, STAR, The Enquirer, etc.
  5. Pass the word to new Kukkites! You need not be a regular visitor or commenter to participate. I'm sure there are new fans out there with whom I've shared catnip and chaos!
  6. In the spirit of Miss Wendy Wings' Monthly Auditions, please visit the blog of the person who posted above you. I've found some great blogs (and super-fans) by way of this practice. You just may, too!

So what's in it for you? Well, besides the second-hand fame you will receive having your name and adventures posted on my blog, you will also be in the running to win a prize!

A PRIZE!?

Yes. Upon my return, I will be leading a team of judges through all the tabloid stories posted here and we will choose the most amusing and creative one. YES, ONE! In addition to my agent, the team of judges will consist of 4-5 celebrities. To keep the bribing of judges to a minimum, I will disclose the celebrity names when I reveal the winner on Friday, October 27.

So, if having your stories read by celebrities isn't enough for you, the winner of the SCOOP THE TABLOID CONTEST will receive their choice of one of the following Kukka Couture tailored tees!


WHAT WOULD KUKKA DO? Tee

TEAM KUKKA Tee
I HEART KUKKA Tee
FREE KUKKA Tee
ENOUGH ABOUT ME... Tee
EMPRESS BY CHOICE Tee


So, to recap, not only will this contest screw the tabloids and prevent them from hunting down these stories and being the first to break them, it will also get you a cool tee-shirt!

And you know what I say, "To know me is to love me and to love me is to have me pressed against your skin and to wear me all over town!"

I CAN'T WAIT TO READ ABOUT MYSELF WHEN I RETURN! It's great having it be all about me...helping you win cool stuff...from writing scandalous stories about me. Enter early, enter often! You know what a wild history we share! Dish before the tabloids uncover it without our permission!

Good luck!
Email me if you have any questions!





FOOTNOTE:
1 I can already hear panties getting into bunches. "But, Kukka...I'm sexy! I'm talented! I'm a feline!" While this may be the case, it takes more than that to add the SUPER- and HYPER- to your attributes. It's weird! I made all this up and I'm the boss of it all, but I'm struggling to explain it to you! The easiest way to appease you is to say the deadline for registration has passed and we are accepting no late registries. (WHEW!)

Friday, October 13, 2006

Suggest a Caption--Cleo Edition

This is Cleo on Christmas morning. She lives with some of my agent's favorite friends.

Do you have a caption for her?

DON'T YOU DARE SUGGEST SHE IS CUTER THAN ME!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #8


Thirteen Court-Mandated
Public Service Announcements
Kukka has done that may
(or may not) have been of value
.


  1. CAT SHOWS.
    Kukka: "Every year, thousands of cats are fluffed and loaded into cages to participate in cat shows. As a result, these cats suffer emotional trauma brought on by the comparison of them to some human-imposed standard. Low self-esteem. Poor body image. Eating disorders. The consequences are staggering. When you find yourself being vigorously brushed and powdered, put your paw down. A strong 'HELL NO, I WON'T GO' will send a clear message. Your self-esteem will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  2. SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES.
    Kukka: "You want to get your groove on. I get that. You are called a 'loose lady' and 'slutty-slut-slut.' That's when you really need to ask yourself: Am I being safe when I whore it up? Each year, millions of female felines contract and suffer from Gonorrheactic-Syphilitic-Chlamydiatic-Vaginitis. The answer is not refraining from banging the screen-door, it's about keeping your cha-cha safe. Insist your tomcat(s) wear condoms. Your va-jay-jay will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  3. BURYING YOUR TURDS.
    Kukka: "You poop. You bury. It's simple and polite. If you somehow have trouble remembering this, BRACH, you should really ask for help. When you drop a deuce and let the brown trout float at the top of the litter, you are just asking for trouble. Seriously. I'm going to kick your ass. It's gross. Your cat roommates will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  4. BREAST FEEDING YOUR KITTENS.
    Kukka: "You have a litter of kittens and the next thing you know, they are going to want to eat. The trouble is that you value your multiple, perky nipples too much to allow them to sag. Don't do it! Don't compromise your hot boobs just to feed your babies! When they look up at you, with those pathetic little eyes, shake your head. Tell them you've already done your job by carrying them for 58-65 days. They are probably going to be given away, anyway. Your nips will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  5. FARTING.
    Kukka: "We all pass gas. It's natural. It's healthy. The next time your human has a living room full of guests, make an anal announcement. Performing a one-cheek-sneak will not only make you feel great, it will also send a clear message to the humans that it's okay to let one fly. Of course, they will probably do it anyway, blaming you. Embracing the thunder from down under is an important part of a healthy life. Your bootie will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  6. CATNIP ADDICTION.
    Kukka: "Catnip addiction has become an epidemic. Millions of cats, worldwide, struggle to maintain a normal and balanced life due to their preoccupation with obtaining the herb. Rolling in it, eating it, and the fierce hangovers are all consequences of indulging in this gateway drug. Based on studies, catnip dabbling has led to the use and abuse of: the Amaryllis (a.k.a. The Devil's Temptation), the Easter Lily (a.k.a. Peter Cottontail's Revenge) and the Poinsettia (a.k.a. Ho-Ho-Holy Hell). If you use catnip, beware. If you think you have issues with it, tell a teacher, parent or trusted adult. If you have sworn off it, but still have a stash, call me. I'll thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  7. DANGERS OF VACUUMS AND HAIR DRYERS.
    Kukka: "While there is no scientific research that supports my our irrational fears of vacuums or hair dryers, they are dangerous...DANGEROUS! When they start up, run. Run like you've never run before! Hide under the bed. Hide behind the couch. Just, for the love of Pete, RUN! You will thank yourself for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  8. BITING THE VET.
    Kukka: "You are sitting peacefully in your favorite chair. Suddenly, you are swooped up and stuffed into a cage. The next thing you know, you are crouched on a metal table and a gloved finger is poking in...I can't even talk about it. You are tempted to bite, but you shouldn't. It's not the vet's fault he has to stick you with a finger or, worse, needle! It's just his job to help keep you healthy and hap...forget it. Bite and scratch the hell out of any body part you can reach! Your safety is your main concern and you will thank yourself for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  9. FELINE OBESITY.
    Kukka: "Feline obesity has reached staggering levels. I'm just guessing, but there are eleventy-squillion cats in the world who battle the bulge. I know you want to eat your weight in treats. Do it. The key is wearing an outfit that cleverly disguises your 'trouble areas.' Loose-fitting dresses, two pair of control top panty hose and brightly-colored muumuus are great options for opulent felines. Your self-esteem will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  10. SITTING TOO CLOSELY TO THE TELEVISION.
    Kukka: "I know you like to watch your favorite soap opera, reality show or sit-com. It's natural! Sitting too closely to the television can be dangerous, though. The number of 'Crazy-Eye Syndrome,' or 'CES,' cases have risen 100% since some guy invented the condition 2 years ago. You should sit no more than 4 inches from the screen at any time. If you insist upon sitting closer, you should at least watch for the 6 'CES' prescription commercials that air each hour. Your eyes will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  11. SMOKING.
    Kukka: "Smoking is cool. It makes you look super-sexy. Not only does it make your lungs nice and gray, it strengthens your heart and makes your fur nice and shiny. Yes, you may shorten your life by a few years, but trust me; it will be difficult to see the Grim Reaper through the cloud of smoke that is constantly around you. Smoke it up! Your body will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  12. FIGHTING.
    Kukka: "Everyone gets into fights. When someone crosses you, what other alternative do you have than kicking them in the junk with all four paws? While fighting is encouraged, it's important to know the risks. It's all fun and games until, as you scratch someone's eyes out, your fur gets mussed. Stop fighting? Hell no! Wear a crapload of hairspray to form a sort of fur-helmet. Not only will you keep your coif spiffy, you can also use the hairspray residue to your advantage by licking your paw, wiping it across your fur and wiping the residue in your opponent's eyes. Hairspray. Your fur will thank you for it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...

  13. HUNTING SAFETY.
    Kukka: "We all hunt. Some hunt outside. Others hunt at the window. When you are leaping, repeatedly, at the wall in pursuit of the moth who is taunting you, take a look at your surroundings. Are you at risk? The answer is YES. Should you stop hunting? No. The answer is to wear orange and carry a gun, knife, or bow and quiver of arrows. Your humans are probably going to complain about the holes in the wall and furniture, but isn't your safety more important than decor? Safety. Your prey will not thank you for it, but it will still be worth it."

    THE MORE YOU KNOW...



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


I want to kick Blogger in the junk so hard that he cries.

Stay tuned for my Thursday Thirteen. I am writing it for the second time because I am Blogger's bitch.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Open Letter to "Anonymous"

Dearest Anonymous
(if that is your real name...),

First, let me say, with every bit of my tiny, cold heart, I appreciate all the attention you've been giving me lately. Based on your frequent comments on my posts, it's clear you are a huge fan of my work! I am flattered that you hold me in such high regard and continue to come back to read my little nuggets of perfection.

I also want to thank you for working so hard to offer me money-making opportunities. It's almost as if my fiscal fortitude has become your life's mission! I am grateful to have someone working so hard for me. You are selfless. You are generous. You are devoted. I like that.

I especially loved the tip you left for me yesterday (and only deleted it--and its duplicate--because I knew you wanted me and only me to see it).

"Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for different ways to earn money... I did find this though...a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. I made over $900 last month having fun! make extra money"

Wow. Not only did you take the time to give me this tip, you came back 8 minutes later and told me again! Persistence is an admirable quality. Plus, you sure know that the best way to a feline empress' heart is through her wallet!

To aid you in your quest to help me achieve astounding levels prosperity, I want to help you narrow your scope.

What I don't want to do:

  • Secret shopping. I am way too famous to be able to pull that off. I can try to don a wig, trench coat and ginormous-Nicole-Richie-sunglasses, but it is inevitable that my identity will be revealed and the paparazzi will be swarming.
  • Take or sell Viagra, "Vagra," "V1agra," or the like. No male has ever had trouble becoming aroused in my presence--neither man, nor beast. In fact, even if I were to call someone and give them my sales pitch for an Erectile Dysfunction med, they would breathe heavily and hit on me over the phone. Super-sexiness is just my cross to bear.
  • Buy or sell software at amazingly low prices. I'm no computer nerd, sir or madam!
  • Get those tight abs too. My saggy belly is one of my distinguishing features. It's my milkshake that brings the boys to the yard! If I were to firm up, I would lose my fan-base. The women who identify with me and my saggy gut would feel betrayed. The men who like to fondle my flab would be turned off. No, tight abs are not for me.
  • Want a tiny waistline. See "Get those tight abs too."
  • Lose 42 pounds in 43 days. I weigh 12.5 pounds. You do the math.
  • Drop a dress size. What is with you, Anonymous? Do you not like my womanly curves? Your criticism of my voluptuous body is making me think you are not actually looking to admire and worship me.
  • I told that carried out. We can't wipe out by free to. Huh? Stop with the gibberish, Anonymous. It makes you look stupid.
  • Obtain $0ft Cialli$, branded quality. I don't have a penis. I don't have ED. While those cleverly-placed dollar $ign$ make me take notice, you should keep the Cialis to yourself. You may need it when I repeatedly kick you in the junk with all four of my paws.
  • Get a Home Purchase Loan!!! Anonymous...How can I put this gently? Are you a big, fat, greedy liar? Based on the money-making tips you are constantly giving me, I don't understand why I would have to take out a mortgage to buy a house! Am I not supposed to "get rich" and "make lots of easy money?" Think about it. Something isn't adding up...
I hope this information helps you help me. I recognize that hunger in your eyes comments. I see that you merely want to share your successes with me and encourage me to be the best feline empress I can be. If this is true, dear Anonymous, then write more comments like the one you left me last week:

"Your best blog entry ever, Kukka/agent! Choking on my chortles here."

You had me at "best blog entry ever," Anonymous. You had me at "best blog entry ever."

Graciously,
Empress Kukka-Maria

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Blogging Empress and Media Mogul Friends Again?

Associated Press (AP): The long-time feud between Empress Kukka-Maria and Oprah Winfrey seems to be a thing of the past. The power-pair were spotted, on Saturday, sharing what appeared to be a reconciliation meal. Dining on liver pâté, hairball-prevention cat treats and puddles of milk at the bottom of cereal bowls (an Empress favorite) the two were inconspicuously seated in the dark corner of Chicago's posh "Pussy Palace," a former strip club turned fine dining establishment.

Said one curious patron, "I watched them for a full twenty minutes. Seriously! I never took my eyes off of them! They were talking, giggling and impolitely chatting on their cell phones to other friends. I tried to read their lips, but could only make out: 'Who is that weird woman staring at us?' I wondered, too, because when I looked around, I saw no one! As celebrities, their stalker-senses must be more heightened than mine."

The notorious feud that has captured our attention for the last year has been a thing of mystery. At one point, Kukka wrote about her experience at Oprah's Legends Ball which, some believed, was the beginning of the end for the famous friends. Then, in a mystifying move, Kukka granted Oprah the exclusive interview to explain her absence at the Oscar's in March. The world was baffled and some believed the feud to be settled at the time of that appearance.

They were wrong.

In an interview with Larry King, shortly after her appearance on Oprah, Kukka-Maria made some scathing comments about the legendary talk-show hostess and announced Oprah had been added to her "Litter List." Larry King was curious, but cautious.

"I wasn't about to ask about the Litter List, nor why Ms. Winfrey had been added. I believed if I interfered too much, I might be added to the list and my career would be in jeopardy," Larry King confessed in a telephone interview. "Never underestimate the power Empress Kukka-Maria wields in the entertainment industry! I've seen people black-balled in Hollywood simply because they gave her, what she refers to as 'The Ol' Stink Eye.' While I am proud of my reputation as a notable interviewer, I have a family to feed and a mortgage to pay. I couldn't bring myself to pry further."

Many speculate the contention between the two strong women stemmed from their jealousy of one another. Oprah's rags-to-riches story has captivated America and helped her become one of the most admired television moguls in the industry. Kukka-Maria's beauty, talent and super-sexiness is admired by many and coveted by all. It stands to reason when you combine two explosive ingredients into one mixture, something incredible is bound to happen--good or bad.

"I'm just glad their ridiculous fight is over," said Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie in a joint statement. "Like, being mad at one anther and encouraging the tabloid press to wonder what the real story is for, like, a year or more is really selfish and mean. I mean, like, there are more important things going on in the world right now...Brad and Angelina's relationship and family, Tom and Katie's baby, and the stellar fall television premieres!"

No matter the reason for the super-star standoff, today the world breathes a collective sigh of relief that balance and harmony has been restored. While the feud is over, Kukka is cautious.

"Who knows if our friendship really has staying power? That bitch Oprah has screwed me before and, while I am willing to forgive, I will never forget. I am still going to sell "Team Kukka" products in my store to make sure my minions send a clear message to Oprah: 'We are loyal and our commitment to supporting The Empress is unwavering.' Suck on that, Oprah!" exclaimed Kukka-Maria in a press conference on Monday. "Having said that, I am very glad we have buried the hatchet and recommitted ourselves to our friendship."

We are glad, too.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Oooooooh, Crap.

Guess what my agent starting making for me? I should add her to my Shit Litter List just for thinking of knitting crap like...

THIS!

[Editor's note: When you get to the linked page, be sure to scroll down to see the great photos of Sunshine's human attempting to measure her...how do I say this politely..."magnitude." Makes me a little nervous to approach Kukka with a measuring tape! Also, make sure you check out the end of the post, where Sunshine is modeling the beautiful garment.]

I've had top designers create couture for me!

I've been honored in Vogue as one of the best-dressed celebrities!

Now I am going to be made to wear this?

Am I not allowed a shred of dignity? If I'm seen wearing this...this FROCK, I can only imagine the tabloid speculation! "Feline Empress Strung Out on Crack Cocaine!" What other explanation could there be for the sudden decline in my taste?

[Editor's note: This is going to be wicked fun! It's not often one finds attractive duds to knit for one's cat. The fact it's going to piss her off is just a bonus! Expect some sour-faced photos when The Empress dons her new duds! I, for one, can not wait!]

Friday, October 06, 2006

Who you callin' MATURE?

I received an email yesterday. Kukka not happy.


TRANSITION TO A MATURE CAT FOOD NOW AND ENJOY THE HEALTHY YEARS AHEAD.

You bastards! I turned 7 at the end of August and this is what slaps me in the face? Why not just send me my effing AARP card!


IMPORTANT NEWS ABOUT MATURE NUTRITION FOR YOU AND YOUR CAT, KUKKA-MARIA

This is a big moment in your cat's life. By now she is considered a mature adult, and it's time she started eating a cat food just for mature cats. At around 7 years of age, cats may require less energy from their diet than when she was younger. Their immune system is changing. Their skin and coat condition may be changing too. So feeding a premium mature cat food is important.

Well, paint me pink and call me a princess! Seriously. Do it. It will help my self-esteem during this difficult time.

I resent this email. I have never been, nor do I intend to ever be "mature." My immune system? A daily shot of whiskey helps fill in any gaps and keeps my immune system from being compromised. My skin and coat? Take a look at me! Do my supple skin and luxurious coat look like they are changing? Changing for the better every day, thankyouverymuch! My hair-care regimen (outlined in my first "Dear Kukka..."), serves me well.

Iams, you have been officially added to my Litter List. Yes, I will continue eating your food (because that is what is given to me and, quite frankly, it's very tasty), but you will not force me to eat "mature" food! I see your "mature food" as the equivalent of pureed food for wrinkled and toothless humans.

You bastards...

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Thursday Thirteen, Edition #7


Thirteen Interesting Ways People
(and some sick mother-effers)
Have Found my Site via Google.


  1. "TURKEYS FLUFFIES" (#3 of 453 sites) I'm not sure I've ever seen a fluffy turkey, let alone written about one, but...okay.


  2. "DOG'S SAGGY BELLY" (#4 of 142,000 sites) I'm just glad to see other species struggling to battle the bulge! See? That's what multiple pregnancies (and, in my case, a little bit of overindulgence) can do to your body?


  3. "DID LINDSAY GET IMPLANTS" (#10 of 281,000 sites) Yes, I believe she did [Editor's note: Or did not. To be fair, Kukka has never laid a paw on the girl's chest and, if she had, would probably not know the difference anyway.]


  4. "SCREECH POWERS SAVED BY THE BELL"(no return data available) This search term was used and returned this post--quite a few months ago. Today, when I recreated the search, I didn't even appear (or maybe it did on page 549). Seems Screech has been busy lately--putting my piddly piece to the back burner!


  5. "I WANT TO BE A STAGE MOTHER FOR MY CAT" (#4 of 5,940,000 sites) Oh, holy hell! What kind of climate have I created here that would encourage people to choose this life? My agent tells me every day how proud she is to be my stage mother...then, under her breath, says, "I don't know why I'm doing this for my cat. It's not like she even understands what I'm saying or doing. All she cares about is eating, sleeping, pooping and eating some more." So you want to be a stage mother? Someone should ask your cat what she thinks! But, then again, with almost 6 million sites returned for that search, you can always seek advice from the greater "cat stage mother" community!

  6. "TREATMENT CAT SWALLOWING FLOSS" (#3 of 51,000 sites) Unfortunately, the post that was returned wasn't the best post to address this issue. Many of you long-time readers remember the post where we told about Brach swallowing thread and having to have surgery. If not, please take a moment to read it. It was scary. It was a huge learning experience. For us, anyway...he is still obsessed with anything string. Cats = Good. String = Good. Cats + String = HORROR! Hopefully, if anyone else Googles Cats and String or Floss or Thread, it will bring them here and they can learn from the cut in Brach's tongue and the 18 holes that were bore in his intestines. If you didn't want to read the post before, maybe those details may spark your interest!


  7. "APOLOGIZE FOR FLIRTING RUMORS" (#1 result at both Comcast Search and Google) Ok. I will NOT apologize for flirting, nor the rumors surrounding my flirting. I am a female. I am a super-sexy feline. I am a voracious vixen! It's impossible for me to stifle my womanly wiles and, let's be honest, sometimes you just have to get your flirt on.

  8. "ROYAL EMPRESS TREE OPRAH" (#6 of 94,900 sites) What the hell? Is Oprah going to plant trees in order to grow royal empresses? Anybody? Hello? Can you help me out here? I'm putting that skank on notice! First the Legends Ball disaster and now this? Is it not enough that she plans world domination and complete mind-control over the entire world? Well, you know what, future Mrs. Stedman Graham (assuming you will someday tire from all the lady lovin' with gal-pal, Gayle, and make an honest man of him)? You are going to be pretty disappointed with your Royal Empress crop. You know what they say: "Royal Empresses don't grow on trees!" That Oprah...

  9. "FELINE BALD STOMACH" (#8 of 62,200 sites) Feline Abdominal Baldness (or FAB) is a serious issue about which I will not write. Can not write. I have way too many friends who struggle with this. In fact, I suspect one of my Tomcat Stable members, Miles Meezer wears an abdominal toupee. Crap. Have I said too much?

  10. "LINDSAY LOHAN TRENCH COAT" (#5 of 227 sites) Now how this search term points to me is puzzling. Yes, I know for a fact that Lindsay Lohan is fond of looking in my windows, nude with a trench coat. Yes, I have photographic proof of this. But I would never...NEVER talk about it on my blog. This blog. Lindsay Lohan in a trench coat? I would never breathe a word about it!

  11. "GAY + NIPPLES + MUSCLE" (#11 of 671,000 sites) Ok. I admit it. All three of these things fascinate me. But added together? That is just a perverted, algabraic formula for mayhem! Had it been GAY NIPPLES + MUSCLE, I could have understood. I mean, gay nipples are known for bulking up their muscles! Even GAY + NIPPLE MUSCLES makes sense to me! All of my gays are concerned with their nipple muscles. But all three? Yikes!

  12. "COLIN FARRELL LICKING ADRIAN BRODY" (#4 of 665 sites) No, don't bother reading it again, you read it correctly the first time. I've seen Colin do that to Adrian, but I've never written about it. Until now...

  13. "I AM LOOKING AT HUMMERS AND CATS" (#4 of 537,000 sites) I just hope we're talking about the cats either riding in or driving an automobile...SICK EFFER!



Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!


Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Super Nanny vs. Kukka-Maria

Announcer: Tonight, we meet the family of Kukka-Maria, feline empress and celebrity blogger. From the outside, this family looks as if everything runs like well-oiled machine.

[Video footage of Kukka-Maria slapping Brach fades into Kukka begging for treats and hissing at her agent when denied which fades into Kukka tearing up toilet paper in the bathroom while frequently looking over her shoulder to avoid getting caught.]

Announcer: After watching the secret video of their day-to-day lives, we agree. They are a well-oiled machine...HEADED TO HELL! With Kukka's severe behavioral and emotional issues--including, but not limited to, exaggerated illusions of grandeur, it is clear this family needs some help. They need SUPER NANNY!

[Doorbell rings. Woman in her very early thirties (Yes, I said EARLY! This is my story, after all) opens the door to find a smiling woman dressed in what at first appears to be a crisp flight attendant's uniform.]

Agent: Hello! You must be Nanny Jo! Welcome to Northwest Flight 1261, non-stop to Minneapolis. Would you like some crackers or something cold to drink?

Nanny Jo: I don't underst...what is it you mean? Is this what you Yanks call an "expression?" How delightful!

A: Uh...no. It was a lame joke. Welcome, Nanny Jo! We've been excitedly waiting for you!

NJ: Well, after viewing the eleventy-four hours of horrifying video, it was clear to me you needed my assistance! Now where are the little angels?

A: Brach, upon hearing the doorbell, grabbed his severe case of OCD and ran to the bedroom to hide. You may or may not see him during your visit. Kukka-Maria is sitting over here, by the couch, glaring at you. You can say hello, but I wouldn't...

NJ: Well, hello little darling! Nanny Jo is here to help you become a bett...SHIT! That little beast bit me! Cut the effing cameras. We're going to have to edit that out. SHIT! That hurt, you little vampire!

A: I tried to tell you. Kukka, will you please apologize to Nanny Jo? Please? For Mommy?

NJ: Based on your tone, I can see why this home is in distress. Her behavior is unasseptable and needs to be addressed firmly.

A: Unasseptable? There must be a language barrier because I have no freakin' idea what you are saying to me right now. Do you mean "unacceptable?"

NJ: That is precisely what I said. Now, the first thing we need to do is establish dominance with Kukka. You need to make sure she knows who is the boss in the home and who will be making the rules. Why don't we start by you telling her that in a low, clear and firm voice?

A: Kukka, can you please listen to Mommy? Mommy just wants what is best for her baby girl and...

NJ: Ok. Crap. No. Listen. [Nanny Jo walks over to Kukka's Agent and takes her by the shoulders, looking directly into her eyes.] First, you must get down to her level. Really get down there.

[Kukka's agent squats to the floor.]

NJ: No. Really get down there.

[Kukka's agent lies down on her stomach and stares deeply into Kukka-Maria's vertical pupils.]

NJ: Now grab her by the shoulders and tell her, in a firm and unflinching tone, that you are the boss of her and she must do exactly as you say at all times. No "pleases." No "can yous."

A: Kukka. I am your queen. You will do as I say. You will not argue with me. You will not question my authority. You will simply say, "Yes, ma'am." When I tell you to jump, you will say, "How high, ma'am?" When I tell you to crap, you will say, "What color, ma'am?" Do you understand me? I said, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

[Kukka looks away and yawns.]

NJ: We certainly have our work cut out for us.

[It is mid-morning. After insisting Nanny Jo shower with an anti-bacterial soap and sanitize her hands before petting him, Brach has ventured into the living room and is sleeping soundly on the couch. Kukka wanders over, onto the couch, and hovers over Brach--who has now opened his eyes.]

A: Kukka-Maria! Will you please stop torturing your husband...I mean BROTHER? Nanny Jo, can we edit that "husband" business out? I do not want to give the tabloids any fuel for their gossip. Kukka has an image to protect.

NJ: No. Nothing is edited out. Nothing--but my own errors. You are meant to look as if you are incompetent. We need as much questionable footage as we can get. We have rating concerns, you know. Now let's talk about the manner in which you addressed your daughter. I heard a "please" which, as you know, is unasseptable.

A: Nanny Jo, seriously! All I heard right then was BLAH, BLAH, BLAH...UNASSEPTABLE. Can you please try to say, "UNACCEPTABLE?"

NJ: Unasseptable.

A: UN-ACK-SEPT-AH-BLE.

NJ: UN-ASS-SEPT-AH-BLE.

[Suddenly, their lesson in articulation is interrupted by a howl and a hiss. Kukka has bullied the weary Brach from his slumber and is snuggling onto the couch--with a grin. Brach is looking at the arguing women in desperation.]

NJ: Holy hell, Kukka! Cut the cameras, you guys. Listen, you ungrateful little cat. In case you didn't notice, we are filming a television show here. You are under contract. You must at least pretend to cooperate--even if it's just for the show! FRANK, I SAID CUT THE BLOODY CAMERAS!

[It is now mid-afternoon. Kukka and Brach have just been given treats. Kukka's are distributed in the kitchen. Brach, spooked by the earlier confrontation with Kukka and subsequent shouting by Nanny Jo, has hidden himself away in the bedroom. His treats are left in the middle of the bed, under the covers, next to a lump believed to be Brach. Moments later, Kukka is whining for treats.]

Kukka: Meow. I want more treats. Meeeeee-FREAKIN'-ow! I am starving and deserving. Give me more mother-effing treats!

NJ: Kukka. That behavior is unasseptable. That is not how one asks for snacks. Proper young ladies are not rude and demanding. They are polite. Plus, proper young ladies do not ask for treats. They wait until they are offered.

[Kukka belches loudly and begins a bit of "personal grooming."]

NJ: Jesus, Mary and Joseph! CUT THE CAMERAS!! Listen you little piece of...

A: NANNY JO! That is not how we talk in this house! Proper ladies do not use curse words. They do not...

NJ: Whatever, lady. You know something? I'm a famous television presence now. I do not have to tolerate this crap. Sergio! Steve! Fetch me a non-fat, soy mocha with a shot of whiskey! We are out of here!

[Nanny Jo and her personal assistants--who are totally not gay, despite their mannerisms, tasteful and stylish clothing, speech patterns and the fact they have sex with men, leave the house and jump into their "vintage" British car. As the car speeds away, Kukka runs around the living room in what appears to be a victory lap.]

K: Who's the queen, beeotch!? I'm the queen! Who's the boss, lady? I'm the boss! Now, fetch me my treats while I lazily lie here, on my back, waiting for my well-deserve belly rubs. TREATS! NOW!

A: As you wish, Empress. As you wish.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XIII

It's the fightin' thirteenth edition of "Dear Kukka!" Can you feel the excitement in the air? There is an undeniable electricity flowing through the cosmos and the collective heart of the entire animal kingdom is a-flutter with anticipation (by the way, that animal kingdom includes you, elitist humans...).

I have to admit, folks, reading and answering the squillions of letters I receive each month is taking its toll on me. It's becoming a real strain to hear Brach complain about strained eyes and paper cuts as he sifts through my mail. And my agent/manager/publicist rubs her back and whines as she hoists the mailbags into the house each day. What do I pay them for, if not to do some healthy manual labor?

What? I don't pay them? Nevermind...let's get on to the mail!


Q: With all of the hype on the alleged ban on skinny models, Kukka-Maria, what does this mean for you and the rest of the feline super-models?
A: First off, thank you for acknowledging my super-successful modeling career. While many people are aware of my acting, singing, dancing and blogging talents, they somehow seem to forget or disregard my amazing gift for walking in a straight line, posing, smiling and holding very still for photo shoots. Tough stuff! Secondly, I have to question your reference to the rest of the feline super-models. I'm not sure I know what you're...what other feline super-models? I'm sure it was a simple mistake that you tried to lump other cat models in my category. There are some very moderately sexy cats out there, but my SUPER sexiness puts me into a completely separate realm. If you need further proof of this, I have created some brochures on the subject I can send to you. OK. Let's get to your question. To demonstrate my commitment to the rubenesque models of the world, I have always made it a point not just to indulge in treats and food that are given to me, but to beg for more. I feel it is the least I can do. I love my curves. I love the way my floppy belly sways to and fro as I prance down the catwalk. These cats...the ones with their ribs showing, no flabby skin and hip bones exposed--they nauseate me. And, like most people, when I get nauseous, I have to eat some treats. Will you excuse me for a moment, please?

Q: Recently, Lindsay Lohan has had some issues with her mother. Empress, have you ever had mama-drama with your agent/manager/publicist--who also happens to be your mother?
A: No. My agent knows her place and understands that she is in my employ. On the rare occasion when she lips off to me [Editor's note: Addresses a behavioral issue], I make it clear to her that I'm her ticket to fame and fortune. I ask her if she is enjoying the spoils of my labor and she quickly shuts her yapper. [Editor's note: Puh-leeeeease! The spoils of her labor roughly translate to me spending my hard-earned money on food, treats, litter and toys for her. In fact, as I've stood in the store--food in one hand and litter in the other, I've often wondered why I couldn't just buy litter with turds already in it, so I could cut out the middle-man. Spoils...whatever.]

Q: Kukka, George Clooney has expressed he intends to be a serial dater. In a recent interview, he said, "I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio." I can't help but notice he didn't mention you. Are you hurt?
A: Hurt? No. In fact, I am relieved he has finally decided to honor the restraining order I have had against him for the last two years. We shared an incredibly intense relationship at one time. He would pet me lovingly. I taught him how to capitalize on those bedroom eyes. He would give me treats. I helped him perfect that tight-lipped, smug grin. It was a wonderful and rich experience for both of us, until he bought a one-way ticket to Crazy Town. He would call at all hours of the night, begging me to be seen with him at popular L.A. restaurants so the paparazzi would quit speculating on his level of gayness [Editor's note: Because bestiality is so much better. Crap. Now I'm going to get creepy people coming to the blog because I used the "B" word!]. The last straw was when he stood outside my house, in a trench coat, blaring Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" from the boombox over his head. As romantic as you may think that would be, it made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. George Clooney, actor = good. George Clooney, boyfriend = CAH-RAAAAAAZY!

Q: Kukka, you often complain about Brach, your adopted feline brother. I've heard rumors you are actually married and are keeping it a secret to preserve your image as a slut. What is the deal? Do you pretend he is bothersome to throw us off? Is there something you want to share with your public?
A:
I maintain I am single. [Editor's note: Technically, it is illegal for cats to marry in this country.] I can confirm Brach is, in fact, my family member. [Editor's note: They do not share DNA and "family member" seems a bit vague.] I have no further comments on the subject. [Editor's note: Seems pretty curious to me, as well. I can tell you I've seen them getting pretty affectionate with one another and...] Excuse me? What kind of publicist are you? [Editor's note: I have no further comments on the subject.]

Q: Kukka, I've heard you will be attending a conference in Minneapolis in two weeks for super-sexy and hyper-talented felines. Is this true and, if so, how do I register? It is also rumored you are meeting an un-named male there and intend to have a week-long secret tryst. Thank you, in advance, for your honest answers.
A:
Bah-ha-ha-ha! FACT: I am attending a conference in Minneapolis in two weeks. FACT: It's sweet you think you can register. You can not. As the only feline who qualifies under the "super-sexy" and "hyper-talented" criteria, I will be the only speaker/presenter, as well as attendee. I can't wait to listen to my presentations! FACT: There may or may not be a male meeting me there. You are very welcome for the clear and factual responses to your questions.

Q: I see a lot of humans are reading your blog now. As a cat, I'm a bit put off that your readership has diversified. What, exactly, is your commitment to the cat-blogging community? Can we expect loyalty from you or are you suddenly going to become a HUMAN?!
A: First off, can you say "SPECIEST?" Because I would bet my treats for the next month week day that is exactly what you are. Yes, the humans have found me. Yes, I enjoy their attention. And, yes...I am loyal--TO ALL OF MY FANS. I have always been, and will continue to be, an equal opportunity blogger. I feel all blog-readers have value and deserve the same respect. Oh, come one...who are we kidding here? I love attention. In any form. At any time. I'm not turning down any fan--whether they walk on four legs, or two. Come one, come all! Worship the Kukka!!

Q: Kukka, you know everything. Who is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby? Howard K. Stern or that other dude we haven't heard of until now?
A: Who cares? Ok. If you must know, it's neither. While I am not at liberty to say...exactly...I can say I believe his name starts with a Z and ends with an eus.


As always, dear fans, thank you for writing to me. While I am never amazed at your fascination with me, I am completely surprised you take the time to tell me. Ok. That wasn't true. I could barely keep a straight face while I wrote that. I'm never surprised. Keep 'em coming!

Monday, October 02, 2006