Tuesday, January 23, 2007

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XV

It's time to answer questions from what seems to be an endless amount of fan mail I receive on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to read your letters, it's just that I really don't want to.

My Agent is like, "Kukka, you owe your success to your fans, are you that ungrateful?"

And I'm all, "Um...no. I'm grateful, just lazy."

That's neither here, nor there. Let's get to the meat of the matter and find out what you are dying to know about me this time!

Q: Kukka, you've gone on record as celebrating your ample body, claiming the junk in your trunk merely makes you more attractive. As a teenager, I have a difficult time seeing my beauty through my acne, greasy hair, braces (on both my teeth and legs) and flat chest. Have you ever struggled with self-esteem issues?
A: Oh, Dear Gussie, yes! I think, at one time or another, all females struggle to recognize their worth. For me, I remember that moment clearly. I had just fluffed the fur around my multiple nipples. As I looked down at my chest, I suddenly feared one of my nips was sexy, but not super-sexy like the rest. I took to my bed for three whole hours, refusing all food, water, and phone calls from friends of all species. It was a tough afternoon for everyone. Fortunately, upon further examination, I realized I was wrong, and that all my nipples were, in fact, super-sexy. When you look in the mirror, stare into your own eyes and repeat this mantra over and over: "I am sexy. Not super-sexy, like Kukka, but somewhat sexy. I mean, no one can be as sexy as Kukka, so that's not really a slam on me. I am sort of pretty, though...and isn't that what counts?" Remember: Boys will like you for what's inside...your wallet. If you aren't rich, then you really should focus on amping up your looks. It's all you've got! Good luck!

Q: The OSCAR Nominations are being announced today, Empress. Will you be nominated this year? Also, will you be presenting and, if so, will you actually go to the ceremony or will you get drunk, barf down the front of your designer gown and allow Will Smith to present in your place again this year?
A: Wow. I really resent your tone! I'll have you know I will not be nominated for an Oscar because (duh) I didn't make any films this year. I know that hasn't stopped me from being nominated in the past (e.g., years 2000, 2001, 2003), but this year I expect them to take the focus off of me and put it onto other deserving people like...well, I can't think of anyone off the top of my head, but you get the idea. As for presenting? Of course I'll be presenting! My Agent has already fielded several calls from The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, asking that I consider presenting in multiple categories. I'm waiting to see what hot men are presenting in which categories so I can place myself right next to them!

Q: Lately it seems there is an epidemic of celebrities painting themselves into politically incorrect corners. Mel Gibson made an ass of himself by targeting Jews. Michael Richards demonstrated his assitude by dropping N-Bombs all over the comedy stage. Now, Isaiah Washington, who seems to be missing a sensitivity chip...primarily when it comes to gays, has found himself in a publicity nightmare. Kukka-Maria, you have said hurtful things to and about people, but I've never seen you put on a pouty face and apologize. Aren't you worried your cold, pea-sized heart will end up hurting your career?
A: Hells no! First off, people love me. Period. Secondly, I don't blindly insult a group of people, I target specific individuals who have, in my opinion, shat on me in one form or another. Not only does my public tolerate my rants, they celebrate them by calling my outbursts "Pulling a Kukka!" Make fun of Star Jones-Reynolds? "She sure pulled a Kukka!" Insult Oprah? "Wow...that's the biggest Kukka I've ever seen her pull!" Call Tom Cruise the craziest mother-effer in the world? "She is so right! He is one crazy mother-effer! That's the best and most accurate Kukka she has ever pulled!" It's impossible not to like me!

Q: Empress, I see shirts all over the place with Kukka messages. Where do I buy one so I can publicly profess my love for you?
Wow. This is a touchy topic. While it appears I indiscriminately sell my wares in my store, I do have specific guidelines as to who can buy them and how they are to be used. For example, my Agent has a shirt. One of the many places she wears it is at the gym. When she works out. And sweats all over it. This is totally against the rules! The Perspiration Policy clearly states: Any human purchasing a shirt must have their sweat glands surgically removed so that the fabric of the tee is not compromised with stinky body excretions. Recently, I became aware of someone who bought a shirt and wore a sweatshirt over it! The Exposure Clause states: Any human purchasing a shirt must display that shirt with pride and may not, even if they are freezing their ass off, cover said shirt with another garment (including, but not limited to coats, sweaters, sweatshirts--unless it's a Kukka Sweatshirt). Finally, it was brought to my attention that certain women wearing Kukka Couture purchased shirts that were way too big and, as a result, were hiding their figures. The Super-Sexy Statute spells it out: Shirts must be worn no less than two (2) sizes too small in order to adequately hug the body and expose one's super-sexy form. While, regretfully, most humans do not sport more than two (2) nipples, it is critical these nips are featured on both the male and female forms. If you are able to comply with these guidelines, feel free to purchase a stock one-of-a-kind Kukka Couture garment.

Q: Kukka, I get a crapload of annoying spam email on a daily basis. Do you get spam and, if so, what do you do about it?
A: In contrast to you, I get spam (a.k.a. fan mail) because I am popular, super-sexy and desired by all. While it's difficult to respond to each and every one, I have developed several solid relationships with spammers that I expect will be life-long friendships. For example, when æǾ%$*ĦΨљ#(&) first contacted me, I was a bit put off by the fact he/she accused me of having a small penis. While I don't have a penis, it bothered me to think that someone thought my non-existent penis was inferior. I immediately responded to his/her email with a rebuttal about my non-existent penis being quite large and very impressive. I was disappointed when my email bounced back; his/her return email address was fake! After weeks of investigation, I tracked down his/her real email and sent my angry response (now including a strongly-worded paragraph about return email address integrity). He/She apologized for sending it to me, said he/she was a huge fan and promised to remove me from his/her emailing list. We swore we'd get together for lunch, but to be honest, I have no intention of following through with it. I don't want to dine with someone who has a small penis and compensates by sending emails about it. I've never received another piece of spam from him/her, but it seems he/she has not spread the word to his/her spamming friends. I hope they read my open letter and get educated on my expectations.

Q: While he didn't mention you by name, Kukka-Maria, Brad Pitt recently went public about one of his first jobs in Hollywood: Accompanying strippers to naked gigs (driving them, collecting the money, manning the boombox and catching their clothes as they were aggressively removed). Is that how you met?
Yes, I stripped. Yes, we met. Yes, we developed a love affair as he blasted my Tone Loc "Wild Thing" cassette and I sexily shook my tail. They were heady times...heady times, indeed.

You know you want to know more about me, so keep those letters coming! For that person (and you know who you are, βёςœ©²£$+Қ) who painstakingly writes each and every day, yet doesn't see his/her questions appearing on the blog, get over it! Asking me if I want to "buy more pills and pay less for it," informing me that "she will love you more than any other guy," and blabbering about "=?windows-1252?Q?Re:Custom/Qualified_Business_Leads_designed_for_Your_Company.?=" are not post-worthy.
In fact, I've given you too much publicity here already. Kiss off.

Read more of my mail in my "Dear Kukka..." Archive!


Carmen said...

Oh man! I didn't know about the perspiration "claws" in regards to the shirt. I wear mine to the gym (and I'm so honored I was chosen to don a shirt with your name) and have gotten (of course) comments about its loveliness

Zeus said...

There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel about someone...especially if it's true. I wish more people had your attitude, Empress.

Also, I didn't know you were a stripper. How come you don't strip for me when it's my day of the week?

William said...

I thought you made "The Last Cat of Scotland" this year.

Renee said...

I noticed that while you require your subjects to wear their Kukka apparell two sizes too small you don't have the same requirement of your Kukka mannequins. Why?