"There are over hundreds of thousands of defeated families in the world who log on to find few or no comments on their blog posts," explains an emotional Bono. "It's unjust. It's inhumane. We feel that by launching this aggressive crusade, by the end of 2008, every existing blog will have an abundance of comments."
Despite their feel-good, share-the-wealth approach to this issue, Bono and Kukka have been attacked by critics. "I get over 200 comments on each post I write," barks a popular blogger, requesting his identity be protected. "I shouldn't have to share those comments with someone who writes a cat blog for crying out loud! I mean, I love my pet, but I don't love my pet!"
"The critics' insecurities really surprise me," says a dumbfounded Kukka, shaking her head. Using finger quotes, she continues, "If these so-called 'successful bloggers' are such great writers to have earned hundreds of comments, couldn't they easily grow that number again? I mean, once you have over 75, what are you really going to do with them? You don't read every one of them...unless you're a loser without a life. So the comments simply become a badge of honor? Please..."
Celebrities like Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Gwyneth Paltrow, Tom Hanks and, despite her ongoing feud with Kukka, Oprah Winfrey have lent their names and backed the cause with their money.
"First off," laughs Brad Pitt, when asked about his involvement, "it's Kukka-Maria! Any cause she supports is a cause I want to back. She was my first true love...I trust her judgment! If she believes comment equality is possible--that it's a realistic goal, then without hesitation, I'm going to work side-by-side with her to make it happen."
Rumors of a comment-raising concert, to be held simultaneously in 8 different major world cities and broadcast throughout all of the 193 countries on the globe, have been spreading like wild fire.
"It's no secret people want me to sing," mutters Kukka, trying to remain modest. "While I know it will make a lot of people happy and would raise a lot of comments for destitute bloggers, I'm a little apprehensive. I usually reserve my loud singing for the evening, after my Agent turns out the lights and is trying to go to sleep."
"While we're not sold on the concert idea, primarily because broadcasting it in many countries without computers...or electricity might be futile, it has been discussed. I might be speaking out of turn, but Kukka and I have been working on a theme song for our cause," explains Bono. "I'd like to give you a taste right now, because I think reading these heart-felt words might inspire someone to donate some of their comments today. This issue is urgent!"
"I have climbed highest mountain
I have run through the fields
Only to read comments...
Only to read comments.
But I still haven't found the comments I'm looking for...
I still haven't found the comments I'm looking for!"
Clapping her paws behind Bono, Kukka gingerly wipes a tear from her eye. "There is absolutely no reason bloggers should be going to bed tonight hungry for comments. We need to do something...we need...to do...some...thing."
George Clooney is working on creating a mauve, rubber bracelet for supporters to wear. "The delay on the bracelets is Kukka's insistence her image be placed on them. With all due respect to The Empress, I'm thinking that's a bit much...and a logistical nightmare."
To show your immediate support for Bono and Kukka's pet project, "I Still Haven't Found the Comments I'm Looking For," Kukka has asked for comments on her blog.
"Each comment can make a difference," smiles Kukka-Maria. "The blogging world's self-esteem is counting on every person reading this. So, if bloggers cry today because they don't have comments, you...yes, YOU are solely to blame!"
Thanks to a stellar suggestion from Zeus, always the charitable tomcat, a button has been created for you to place on your blog in support of this cause. It's the official "ISHFTCILF 2007" crest.
Please feel free (after commenting here) to right-click, save and re-size this ground-breaking logo so you can showcase your social conscience on your own blog. Tie the image back to the permalink of this post so people all over the world can be educated and inspired to join the fight for blog comment equality!
Hopefully, with this passionate effort and your support of "I Still Haven't Found the Comments I'm Looking For," we will eradicate blog comment poverty!