Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I'll Accept my Golden Globe, but I Will NOT Accept Kukka's Absence!

Associated Press (AP) - Though clearly stunned at taking home a Golden Globe for her work in "Dream Girls," newcomer Jennifer Hudson, shocked us when asked what was the biggest surprise of the night for her. Hudson responded, "Not seeing Empress Kukka-Maria at the awards! She is the only celebrity I was looking forward to meeting." This sentiment echoed through the Beverly Hilton Hotel throughout the night as countless celebrities craned their necks and meandered through the ballroom during commercial breaks in search of the feline starlet.

"Has anyone seen Kukka?" asked a clearly uncomfortable ex-boyfriend, Brad Pitt. "She was supposed to attend the after-parties with Angie and me, but I haven't heard anything from her! I've called her cell phone during every commercial, but have only gotten her voicemail. This is just not like her!"

In a telephone interview with her Agent, early this morning, we were given a glimpse into what may have caused the Empress' absence.

"Believe me," sighed her Agent, "there is no one more disappointed than me. Because she didn't like any of the custom-designed gowns offered to her by Dior, Versace, Marc Jacobs and our dear friend, Jean-Paul Gaultier, I had to custom-design something for her. Fortunately, I had knit a muumuu for her a few months ago. And I think she looks lovely in purple!"

"Was her Agent on drugs?" a family friend, wishing to remain anonymous (but named Stella McCartney) gasped. "First off, a knit muumuu looks atrocious on anyone, but to add insult to injury, Kukka has been seen in the garment already! Why would she agree to wear something in which she has already been photographed?"

Her Agent continued, "When I suggested she don the muumuu and head to the awards, she hissed at me. Determined to show my dominance, I wrestled her to the ground and pulled the muumuu onto her, after which she simply flopped down on the carpet and refused to move. I tried lifting her butt, but she was dead weight. I tried coaxing her into the limo with champagne and treats, but she just wasn't having it. When Kukka gets her mind locked on something, it is basically impossible to disengage her...no matter what is at stake."

But the drama was only beginning.

"Once Brach got into the limo, looking dapper in his tux, she perked right up and was determined to go to the awards...muumuu and all," explained her Agent. "It's amazing what a little jealousy does to motivate her."

"As part of her mantourage for the evening, I have to admit, I was getting a little impatient. We sat in the limo for over two hours, waiting for her to get her furry little ass into the car," explained one of the six nameless boy-toy dates for the evening. "Then, when she got into the car, she immediately announced she was 'not going to put out' because she felt bloated and not-super-sexy. I was pretty pissed, because I was promised some hot action. And, by that time, I was pretty [expletive]-faced on the champagne, so that probably escalated my pissed-offness."

Another mantourage member added, "I tenderly told her she seemed a little fussy and should take a chill pill." Rubbing his scratched face, he mumbled, "Word to the wise: Never say anything like that to Empress Kukka-Maria. She doesn't take kindly to constructive criticism."

Bystanders recall seeing Kukka's limo approach the red carpet, but no one saw her emerge amidst the deafening screams of her fans.

A disappointed Alec Baldwin, clutching his Globe for TV Comedy Series Actor, reported, "I saw the limo and actually lingered in order to walk the red carpet with Kukka. I saw Brach emerge, as well as a gaggle of super-sexy boy-toys, but no Kukka!" Wiping a stray tear from his eye, Baldwin choked, "It was truly heart-breaking not to be able to share my win with the one I love the most."

Looking at the vacant chair next to her, Helen Mirren, winner for Best Actress in a Movie Drama, reflected, "I was told by the producers that Kukka-Maria turned down the lead role for 'The Queen' before it was offered to me. I hope she doesn't think I stole it from her! I would never disrespect her like that! If that is the case, and it is the reason she was absent tonight, I have some serious apology letters to write and flowers to send!"

"She is my personal hero," gushed a blushing America Ferrera upon exiting the stage after her Golden Globe win for Ugly Betty. "The fact that Kukka can carry around all that extra weight and still feel secure within her own body is the inspiration for my character...and my life! Aside from her mysterious absence, the true disappointment of the night was that they bleeped her name in my acceptance speech. Apparently, due to the uniqueness of her title, the censors mistook her name as a curse word. In hindsight, I probably should have used it in that context: 'I am so Kukka-Maria happy to have won this award.' I feel terrible. Maybe that is why she stood all of us up?"

While Kukka has refused interviews, her agent shared some details about her current status. "She has taken to her bed and is refusing all visitors. Clint Eastwood has called. A wrinkled Jack Nicholson learned to use a computer just to email her! Even Jamie Foxx has stopped by, hoping to coax her into sharing some cat treats with him.

Said Beyonce Knowles, "Kukka is truly the Dream Girl. Whatever kept her away tonight...I hope is just a bump in the road. The last thing any of us wants is for her to become a recluse!" Seemingly panicked and looking at her boyfriend, Jay Z, she stammered, "I mean, I think that is the word for someone who has to do her own laundry. Right?"

Justin Timberlake had his own opinions. "Maybe she was with Prince. I mean, he wasn't there in time to receive his award for Happy Feet original music. Maybe they rekindled their romance and were making out back stage!" Giggling to himself, Justin chortled, "On a side note, wasn't it hilarious when I stooped down below the mic when I accepted Prince's award on his behalf? I mean, I was saying he is short! I could hardly keep a straight face when I did that! I think it was the highlight of the show, if I can say so myself."

As for Brach? He was last seen, around 1:00 am, chugging champagne and doing the robot on the dance floor at the Universal/NBC/Focus Features after-party. The crowd went wild as they chanted, "Go, Brach...Go, Brach...It's your birthday...It's your birthday!"

As Kukka's Agent reports, in fact, it was NOT his birthday.

Perhaps, by default, Brach was truly the shining star last night. That should set well with Kukka. Lock up the kids, bring in the cats, and hide the sharp objects, for it's certain we've not seen the last of her wrath!


Cheysuli said...


I must say this was an inspired moment even for you. To keep all those people waiting for TWO hours. I find that my humans give up after 10 minutes. I must take notes. I must learn your secrets if I am to run with country and have any respect

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Brach, I'm surprised you didn't request your champagne in a sterile paper cup ala Adrian Monk. You know, what with your OCD and all. Should we assume you've got the whole thing under control? Cool shades. The ladies must have been all over you.

Tell Kukka we have a gift for her. We hope she likes it.


The Meezers said...

Kukka - I is sorry I wasn't there to eskort you down the red carpet. If you don't mind me hafing fewer teef (not in the front fough, and not my fangs - so I'm not a rednek kitty) I might be available for the next awards ceremony - Miles

PS - Brach - sooper kewl shades dude!!! Looking good!

Kimo & Sabi said...

We were watching the Globes last night and lookin' for ya - thought for sure you'd be at the Pitt table! Then we thought...maybe Kukka got stuck in the same traffic like Prince! You could have picked up a quick little number at the Gap - Sharon Stone got away with that once! Alas...will we see you at the Oscars? Keep us posted!

DaisyMae Maus said...

Empress ... I avoided the Golden Globes like the plague knowing that you wouldn't be there to make the whole thing worthwhile.

It looks like Brach had fun, though ... He does know that those Ray Bans make him look a tad like your arch-enemy Tom "Suri's just a rental" Cruise. Meow.


Sparky Duck said...

Boy do I think "Bump in the road" may have been the wrong statement to use.

Zeus said...

Amazing! I had no idea America used you for inspiration, Kukka! No wonder her performance is so awe-inspiring.

Does this mean you wear braces as well? If so, I've never noticed. You must have a fabulous dentist.

A shame you were not on the red-carpet that evening, my dear. I had every intention of using you in my Thursday Thirteen this week. Sigh...

local girl said...

What's wrong with a muumuu? LOL!