Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Most Eligible Tomcat Off the Market?!

Associated Press (AP): Representatives for Brach Lee have released a statement proclaiming the 2006 Super-Sexiest Feline Bachelor has finally found love and has removed himself from sexual circulation.

"It's true," says his Agent, with a wink and a grin. "He took one look at her and was immediately smitten. I was actually pretty embarrassed with his forwardness! He was groping her and rubbing his face all over her in less than a minute! Fortunately, it appeared she was into it and was enjoying the attention."

Devastated kittens everywhere, who have spent countless hours plastering posters of Brach above their napping spots, seem to be expressing their dismay in a single, unified gasp. "I love Brach Lee!" shrieks a quivering and sobbing Siamese. "I don't care if he thinks he's in love with HER. One day...when we actually meet, he will look deep into my slightly crossed, but brilliantly blue eyes and proclaim his love and devotion to me!"

Cradling the Siamese, who has now fainted, a teen-aged tabby rolls her eyes. "She's young and naive. One day she'll realize that Brach will never love her...because he and I will be married with four to six litters of kittens." Pumping her paws into the air, she yells, "I LOVE YOU BRACH LEE! FOREVER AND EVER!"

Having reviewed Brach's medical history, which is a matter of public record, we found he has had his junk altered and can't possibly give the tabby kittens...no matter how much he loved her. We weren't going to be the ones to tell her that, though.

In a highly unusual and much sought-after interview with Brach, the super-sexy tomcat sheds some light on his feelings for his new love. "She is amazing. She is gentle and kind. She is mature and considerate. She is clean, pristine and virtually germ-free! She takes care of me without complaint. She listens to me without interruption. She is quiet, but the looks she gives me? Those looks say it all. I've never met anyone like her, nor do I expect anyone more magnificent exists. She is my sun. She is my moon. She is my...my everything."

"She's a whore. She gives it up for anyone and everyone who asks," snaps Brach's sister, Kukka. Licking er paws, she hisses, "She stands there, waiting for any ol' cat to approach and is more than willing to stroke them until they purr. It's disgusting!"

She presents a photo and continues, "I've taken pictures of the two of them together and it's sickening! He runs his face, mouth and tongue all over her! GET AN EFFING ROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

Waiting for a reaction from us, but not getting one, she presses on. "She is going to cheat on him. I know it. In fact, she's propositioned me already! She's beckoned to me as I've strolled by! And, despite the fact I'm not into chicks, I have to say, I am tempted. She looks like she gives good head....scratches on the head, that is!"

When pressed for more details about the woman who has captured this career bachelor's heart, Brach blushes. "Her name is Cat Hair Magnet," he whispers, "But I call her FERN..."

16 comments:

Spirit and Ezra said...

Spirit sez.... I'm Heartbroken Brach! :( I was kinda thinkin I might ask if you already had a Valentine. I'm a really pretty Blue Tuxedo girl and I think you're really cute too. But I guess I'm too late...

Cheysuli said...

Brach, that's a lovely ummm... hair magnet you've found there....

Renee said...

I love the wink you're giving the camera there Brach. I'm sure that Kukka will be won over soon.

I wonder if my wolfie would like one of these? she's always rubbing against my floor, sofa & leggs. hummm She seems to have a lot of "cat like" qualities.

Renee said...

I've been trying to put your Comment Equality button on my blog's side bar and haven't been able to do it. I admit that I'm quite blogger challenged.

Is there anyway that you can help me out...perhaps sending me the code that you have on your blog? Thanks!

Kukka-Maria said...

Renee, you can email me from the icon below Brach's image on the sidebar. If you give me your email, I'll send you some instructions that might be helpful.

As a self-taught HTML-er, I make no promises! :)

Brach said...

Spirit...don't be heartbroken! I still have a wandering eye...

I mean, I don't have a wandering eye, physically! My eyes both point in the same direction! What I was trying to say is that my eyes are drawn to all the pretty fillies!

[mumbling...] Stupid, stupid, STU-PID! Wandering eye...great, Brach! Way to impress the ladies with talk of a lazy eye!

Carmen said...

Come on Kukka, even Pooh is tempted to Fern. Accept it as a natural urge and get on with the rubbing!

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

I think I've seen her twin around these parts. Though it might have actually been her, I can't say for sure. Hey it was DARK!

Chase

Spirit and Ezra said...

Spirit sez... Oh Brach...Even if you did have a wandering eye, I'd still think you were the cutest cat on the web!

Max said...

I KNOW HER!!! She used to live at my house! Oh, she wanted me too, but then she BIT ME ON THE BUTT! So I ignored her after that and she went away. Or maybe it as her twin. Either way, Brach oughta look out cause she has TEETHS!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Brach, I can't help but think that, long term, a live female would be a better choice as a companion and love interest. Granted, Fern is curvy, but is she warm? Can she lick and purr? With Valentine's Day coming soon, I'm sure there are many lovely ladies who've been secretly admiring you. Think about it!

George

The Meezers said...

You look furry happy wif Fern, but perhaps Spirit would be a better valentine. she efenn doesn't mind your wandering eye.

DaisyMae Maus said...

You had me worried, Brach ... I've always had a soft spot for sexy ginger cats ... Meow ... You do know that Fern is inanimate, right?
DaisyMae Maus

Renee said...

Hey Kukka! Wake up and go audition at Wendy Wings!

PrincessMia said...

Phoar!

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Brach, I do believe Ms/Mr. Magnet is actually asexual and quit the slut. She's been all over and was even here allowing me to rub her. I'm not ashamed to say I had a thing with it for awhile, then she started a thing with the dog. After that she left our house. I do believe my mother threw her/him out! I'm with the Meezers, get a real gerlfrend~Princess Ziporah