Associated Press (AP): Representatives for Brach Lee have released a statement proclaiming the 2006 Super-Sexiest Feline Bachelor has finally found love and has removed himself from sexual circulation.
"It's true," says his Agent, with a wink and a grin. "He took one look at her and was immediately smitten. I was actually pretty embarrassed with his forwardness! He was groping her and rubbing his face all over her in less than a minute! Fortunately, it appeared she was into it and was enjoying the attention."
Devastated kittens everywhere, who have spent countless hours plastering posters of Brach above their napping spots, seem to be expressing their dismay in a single, unified gasp. "I love Brach Lee!" shrieks a quivering and sobbing Siamese. "I don't care if he thinks he's in love with HER. One day...when we actually meet, he will look deep into my slightly crossed, but brilliantly blue eyes and proclaim his love and devotion to me!"
Cradling the Siamese, who has now fainted, a teen-aged tabby rolls her eyes. "She's young and naive. One day she'll realize that Brach will never love her...because he and I will be married with four to six litters of kittens." Pumping her paws into the air, she yells, "I LOVE YOU BRACH LEE! FOREVER AND EVER!"
Having reviewed Brach's medical history, which is a matter of public record, we found he has had his junk altered and can't possibly give the tabby kittens...no matter how much he loved her. We weren't going to be the ones to tell her that, though.
In a highly unusual and much sought-after interview with Brach, the super-sexy tomcat sheds some light on his feelings for his new love. "She is amazing. She is gentle and kind. She is mature and considerate. She is clean, pristine and virtually germ-free! She takes care of me without complaint. She listens to me without interruption. She is quiet, but the looks she gives me? Those looks say it all. I've never met anyone like her, nor do I expect anyone more magnificent exists. She is my sun. She is my moon. She is my...my everything."
"She's a whore. She gives it up for anyone and everyone who asks," snaps Brach's sister, Kukka. Licking er paws, she hisses, "She stands there, waiting for any ol' cat to approach and is more than willing to stroke them until they purr. It's disgusting!"
She presents a photo and continues, "I've taken pictures of the two of them together and it's sickening! He runs his face, mouth and tongue all over her! GET AN EFFING ROOM FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"
Waiting for a reaction from us, but not getting one, she presses on. "She is going to cheat on him. I know it. In fact, she's propositioned me already! She's beckoned to me as I've strolled by! And, despite the fact I'm not into chicks, I have to say, I am tempted. She looks like she gives good head....scratches on the head, that is!"
When pressed for more details about the woman who has captured this career bachelor's heart, Brach blushes. "Her name is Cat Hair Magnet," he whispers, "But I call her FERN..."