Friday, January 12, 2007

Open Letter to Over-Zealous Retailers

Dear Jolly Bastards,

This is a difficult letter to write. Not because it's a delicate topic, but because I'm still coughing up Valentine's Day droppings that attacked me when I visited your store today. I had just recovered from my bout with that nasty strain of Christmas Kitsch that was going around, and now I'm inundated with pink hearts, white lace and nekkid cupids taking aim at me.

Boo, retailing giants. Boo...

When you, the CEOs of the major retail chains, contacted me years ago for my opinion, I bought into the idea of decking the stores with boughs of holly beginning the day after Thanksgiving. In fact, I began looking forward to seeing the glimmering trees and ginormous (and sometimes menacing) Santas looming over me as I shopped in late November. I understood your marketing strategy and hitched my wagon without reservation.

Then you pushed the boundary by decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving.

As you well know, I didn't say a word to you about that. To preserve our rich relationship, I chose to turn a blind eye to your blatant disrespect.

Then you pushed the boundary further by decorating for Christmas the day after Halloween.

HOW. DARE. YOU.

Can I not simply enter a store and not be reminded of a holiday I am commercially obligated to observe?

  • With January, comes Valentine's Decorations.
  • On February 15th, clovers and Leprechauns stage their attack on your stores.
  • Your crews work overtime on March 18th bringing the huge, plastic Easter Bunnies out of the storage room, where you've been hand-feeding and nurturing them from bunnylets since September.
  • On Easter Monday, I find myself packing my bags to head out on my annual guilt trip. I spend sleepless nights trying to figure out the least amount of money I can spend on my mother (Agent) to thank her for putting a roof over my head.
  • After Mother's Day, there is a spattering of red, white and blue garb for Memorial and Flag Days, but it's difficult to see them with the "#1 DAD" hats, pins, ties looming around them. On a personal note: I hate Father's Day. Because I don't have a dad, this day is a painful reminder that my Agent is a whorish slut with a revolving door at her bedroom and no intention of keeping any of them. [Editor's Note: Hardly a whorish slut! I'm looking for a great man, but quite honestly...who wants to date someone who writes a cat blog?]
  • After Memorial Day, the flags and star-spangled bunting never really get put away. You know that, throughout the summer, the patriotic holidays are big. So 4th of July and Labor Day are covered.
  • Here's where it begins to get out of hand: The Tuesday after Labor Day, you somehow think it's appropriate to introduce the Halloween decor. For two months, faux cob-webs, skeletons, jack-o'-lanterns and...[choke] black cats assault my eyes at every turn! (On behalf of the world, Squilliam, I apologize for the negative stereotype surrounding your kind.)
  • November 1st is a holiday clusterfuck. You'll find turkeys and cornucopias (is that the plural?) amidst blinking firs and silver garland. Do you think, since the over-stimulation dizzies me, I am apt to spend more money? Shame on you!

I have an idea to address this issue and, since we have shared such a cohesive relationship in the past, I won't charge you a dime for my intellectual property.

  1. I implement a law whereby you are forbidden to decorate for a holiday more than 30 days prior to said holiday. I realize it's necessary for you to market prior to the celebrations in order to clear your inventory, but I ask that you consider the mental and emotional health of your patrons. I feel 30 days is more than enough time to peddle your holiday wares.
  2. If you do not honor the 30 day mandate, you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Unfortunately, despite my persistent letters, I'm not getting cooperation from Congress, so the fiercest punishment I can come up with is this: As many days before 30 you decorate, you will have to keep said decorations up after the holiday. Imagine having to keep Christmas decorations up through the month of January! Would that cock-block your Valentine's plans? Oh, yes...I'm vindictive! Mwah-ha-ha! [Editor's Note: That is Kukka's evil laugh.]

I hope you understand my position. Failure to comply with my solution will evoke a complete boycott of your establishments. Yes, I'm a cat. Yes, I have no disposable income to actually spend at your stores, but I do have influence.

Influence on at least 2 or 3 other cats...also without income.

Crap.

Bah Humbug,
Empress Kukka-Maria

24 comments:

Sparky Duck said...

Kukka, you go for it. Maybe Congress will consider your ideas after all since it will help them to avoid having to deal with real issues.

Though I must ask, if there was a Dad, would Vday be all that better and not necessitate this post?

Dragonheart said...

That would be a good law Kukka! My humans think that the holiday decorations go up much too early.

Christina said...

Kukka, I am fully supportive of this law! You will not believe this but I actually saw a display of EASTER candy in Kroger this week. It's crazy because Ash Wednesday is still over a month away and Easter comes long after that. What are these retailers thinking?!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

You vastly underrate your influence on other cats, Kukka...2 or 3 cats indeed! The entire Cat Blogosphere awaits your daily posts and your influence is World Wide!!

George

Cheysuli said...

I'm adding this to my presidential platform. Congress will be FORCED to address this issue.

k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
lady jane scarlett said...

I am all for it, I'll donate my pirate crew to help you out Kukka! And Howie is just pawing to be at your service...

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

I really like this law. I don't see why they shouldn't abide by it.

Latte

P.S. Bunnylets sound...tasty!!

Carmen said...

Amen Kukka! Amen!

Every year, I just try to make it to Feb. 15 without throwing up. :)

Renee said...

Hey Kukka, you can add me to the list of your 2 to 3 other cats and I'm human!
In fact, I'll link my post to you today and you have even more humans backing you up because this is ridiculous! We do not need 3 months to get ready for Christmas.

Xavier said...

Oh my sweet Empress, my life is over... I've been removed from the tomcat stable.

Sob

Kukka-Maria said...

Ah, Xavier...I still love you! It was a tough call, but I had to look at my demands of my boys.

I have to be actively courted! I'm very high-maintenance, remember!

You continue to hold a place in my heart and, if you keep coming 'round to dote on me, I'll keep your spot warm in the stable...

tiggerprr said...

I think you have a much larger following than a couple cats. :)

Derby said...

Oh Kukka, mum and I agree furry much with you on this. In some cases some of the stores around here have the Christmas stuff out shortly after Labor Day. Mum personally will not decorate that far ahead of the holiday. Plus she won't get carried away with stuff around the house.

Plus you need to go to http://katnippia.blogspot.com/ and check out the sunbathing kitties.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Empress ... Your retailers in the mid-west are TAME compared to those we're subjected to in Southern California!

We had rows of Valentine's decor and candies in the aisle next to the Christmas decor and candies by the 1st of December! It wasn't even WINTER yet and we had shiny red and pink hearts efurrywhere!

If you'd like some help marching on Congress, the Feline Americans and I have got your back!
DMM

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Empress, you should use all these holidays to your advantage by making your Agent feed your extra treats or give you new toys on these days.

Zeus said...

I can't handle this either. Why do I have to feel like a procrastinator in November when Christmas is still a month or so away? I would love to be on the punishing committee please.

Renee said...

hummm... I think I need to be more agressive with my readers...I don't see any of them over here.

Gemini said...

Oh Momma says that people who work retail will all be behind you--at least the ones she worked with.

Fat Eric said...

I hear you, Kukka.

Here in the UK we get the Christmas stuff for even longer than you do - mainly because Hallowe'en is not such a big deal here so Christmas starts around the end of September and carries on till January. Harrods opens their Christmas department in August to cater for the tourists.

We have lots of Valentines and Easter stuff around already.

Eric and Flynn said...

We agree with you Kukka. Like Fat Eric said, it goes on for months in the UK. Our beans have their summer holidays in the beginning of October, and Christmas stuff has been out for some time before they go.Hot Cross Buns for Good Friday have been on sale in the supermarket since the beginning of December.

Samantha said...

Here's my idea, print out copies of this post and PASTE them to everyfrigginbody's storefronts! Let's petition! YOU GO KUKKA! hehe! I agree with you 100%

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Yes Kukka, we must stop this madness on the part of retailers. I must say, when mom goes to the store and comes home whining about Valentines decorations next to green shamrocks and all next to the dye for Easter eggs on JANUARY 10th I want to bite the merchandisers. Fools, there will be a backlash!~Zippy

Karen Jo said...

I agree with you Kukka. I wonder how many other people think, "Hmm, if the Valentine chocolates have been out on the shelves since the first of January, aren't they pretty stale by the time I would consider buying some?"