This is a difficult letter to write. Not because it's a delicate topic, but because I'm still coughing up Valentine's Day droppings that attacked me when I visited your store today. I had just recovered from my bout with that nasty strain of Christmas Kitsch that was going around, and now I'm inundated with pink hearts, white lace and nekkid cupids taking aim at me.
Boo, retailing giants. Boo...
When you, the CEOs of the major retail chains, contacted me years ago for my opinion, I bought into the idea of decking the stores with boughs of holly beginning the day after Thanksgiving. In fact, I began looking forward to seeing the glimmering trees and ginormous (and sometimes menacing) Santas looming over me as I shopped in late November. I understood your marketing strategy and hitched my wagon without reservation.
Then you pushed the boundary by decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving.
As you well know, I didn't say a word to you about that. To preserve our rich relationship, I chose to turn a blind eye to your blatant disrespect.
Then you pushed the boundary further by decorating for Christmas the day after Halloween.
HOW. DARE. YOU.
Can I not simply enter a store and not be reminded of a holiday I am commercially obligated to observe?
- With January, comes Valentine's Decorations.
- On February 15th, clovers and Leprechauns stage their attack on your stores.
- Your crews work overtime on March 18th bringing the huge, plastic Easter Bunnies out of the storage room, where you've been hand-feeding and nurturing them from bunnylets since September.
- On Easter Monday, I find myself packing my bags to head out on my annual guilt trip. I spend sleepless nights trying to figure out the least amount of money I can spend on my mother (Agent) to thank her for putting a roof over my head.
- After Mother's Day, there is a spattering of red, white and blue garb for Memorial and Flag Days, but it's difficult to see them with the "#1 DAD" hats, pins, ties looming around them. On a personal note: I hate Father's Day. Because I don't have a dad, this day is a painful reminder that my Agent is a whorish slut with a revolving door at her bedroom and no intention of keeping any of them. [Editor's Note: Hardly a whorish slut! I'm looking for a great man, but quite honestly...who wants to date someone who writes a cat blog?]
- After Memorial Day, the flags and star-spangled bunting never really get put away. You know that, throughout the summer, the patriotic holidays are big. So 4th of July and Labor Day are covered.
- Here's where it begins to get out of hand: The Tuesday after Labor Day, you somehow think it's appropriate to introduce the Halloween decor. For two months, faux cob-webs, skeletons, jack-o'-lanterns and...[choke] black cats assault my eyes at every turn! (On behalf of the world, Squilliam, I apologize for the negative stereotype surrounding your kind.)
- November 1st is a holiday clusterfuck. You'll find turkeys and cornucopias (is that the plural?) amidst blinking firs and silver garland. Do you think, since the over-stimulation dizzies me, I am apt to spend more money? Shame on you!
I have an idea to address this issue and, since we have shared such a cohesive relationship in the past, I won't charge you a dime for my intellectual property.
- I implement a law whereby you are forbidden to decorate for a holiday more than 30 days prior to said holiday. I realize it's necessary for you to market prior to the celebrations in order to clear your inventory, but I ask that you consider the mental and emotional health of your patrons. I feel 30 days is more than enough time to peddle your holiday wares.
- If you do not honor the 30 day mandate, you will be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Unfortunately, despite my persistent letters, I'm not getting cooperation from Congress, so the fiercest punishment I can come up with is this: As many days before 30 you decorate, you will have to keep said decorations up after the holiday. Imagine having to keep Christmas decorations up through the month of January! Would that cock-block your Valentine's plans? Oh, yes...I'm vindictive! Mwah-ha-ha! [Editor's Note: That is Kukka's evil laugh.]
I hope you understand my position. Failure to comply with my solution will evoke a complete boycott of your establishments. Yes, I'm a cat. Yes, I have no disposable income to actually spend at your stores, but I do have influence.
Influence on at least 2 or 3 other cats...also without income.