Tuesday, January 30, 2007

A Series of Open Letters to my Celebrity Friends, Acquaintances, and Sworn Enemies (You Know Who You Are, Oprah)

Dear George Clooney,

I was shocked to hear that you have hooked up with Pamela Anderson. I get you're denying it now, but I also know you're a boob-man. Although, when we were together, you were adamantly opposed to me getting breast implants in my multiple hoopdie-hoops (primarily because I wanted you to pay for them). I have to imagine, despite your fascination with her enormous knockers, there isn't much else there that will keep you together.

While I don't miss your whiny, late-night drunk dials, I have to say I'm a bit jealous. Crap. Did I just say that? There was a time when you had pledged your smoldering eyes and firm booty to me--and only me. I know it's been years since we shared kibble by candle light, took long walks on the beach (during which you had to carry me, as the risk of me getting swept up in the surf was just too high), enjoyed steamy nights by the fire, and I endured you standing outside my window with a boom box, professing your love. I did sort of expected you to remain faithful to me. Even though I have taken on a stable of super-sexy tomcats.

What can Pamela Anderson give you that I could not? Yes, she is tall. Yes, she is allowed to go outside of the house at-will. Yes, she is blonde. And yes, she has enormous cans. But she is not as super-sexy as me. She is not as talented as me (ref: "Barb Wire"). And, while my jugs might be inferior in size, I have more of them.

Let me know if there is anything beyond the boobs,
The Empress

Oprah (notice there is no "dear" here!),

I know you felt betrayed and devastated when your relative dished to a tabloid magazine that you had a teen pregnancy. I'd think you'd be glad that you have proof that you've actually had sex with a man! I mean, we get that Gayle King is your BFF, but I'm starting to think, in your case, BFF doesn't mean Best Friend Forever as much as it might mean Boy-Friend Fill-in.

Think about it.
The Empress

Dear Isaiah Washington,

Rehab? Really, Isaiah? For making an anti-homosexual slur? Rehab is for addicts. Are you telling us you are addicted to hating gays?

Can I get a "WHOOT-WHOOT" for my gays?
The Empress

Dear Tom Cruise,

I got an email today from ¶¿¥«˜£Â¼š with some interesting news about some amazing "Penis Enlargement Breakthroughs!"

I'll forward it to you. Unless the good folks at the Scientology Celebrity Centre are still working to create a robotic appendage for you...

Are you pickin' up what I'm throwin' down?
The Empress

Skank Hilton (of the Parisian variety),

Whew. Where do I start? I get you're frustrated that a storage facility auctioned off your belongings when you failed to pay the rental fee for your 6,000 sq. ft. storage unit. (Which, by the way, is roughly 6x larger than my home.) Welcome to the world of the working-class. Talk to the millions of impoverished people who store their shit because they have been evicted or had their homes in foreclosure and, due to their lack of funds, lose their belongings to auction.

You thought the moving company was going to pay the storage fees? Are you that out-of-touch with the real world or just on crack? I've never...ever...heard of a moving company that takes on the debts of its customers.

But, then again, you are Paris Hilton.

I have to say, it seems a bit coincidental that these private and personal nude photos and videos of you keep "leaking" to the public. A word of advice: QUIT GETTING NEKKID WHEN THE CAMERAS ARE ON YOU!

Oh, and buy a shredder for your bank statements if you don't want the people who perpetually nose around in your garbage to see them. You can get one at Staples for only $19.98. Talk to your moving company. I'm sure they'll foot the bill.

Completely unrelated, but just about as disturbing: What's up with the brown eyes as a child and blue now? You're not fooling anyone. Unless you used the storage unit money to have iris-replacement surgery...

I'm just sayin'.
The Empress

Dear R&B crooner, Lumidee,

"She's Like the Wind" by Patrick Swayze? Seriously? Of all the songs you could cover, you chose this one?''

What's next? "Party All the Time" with guest vocalist Eddie Murphy?

My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the time...
The Empress


Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Ah Empress, who would say such things if you didn't? Don't worry, there are many other men who prefer multiple nipples as opposed to 2 large jugs.


Carmen said...

OMG - someone did a cover of She's Like the Wind? On purpose? And the radio is playing it? That stupid 16-year old in her Jag is probably blasting it as we speak

Renee said...

Without you, I would be so out of the loop on what's current. Thank you for keeping me up to date.

Let me know about my offer on your mansion. I could just send the treats too.

K T Cat said...

Does "She's Like the Wind" refer to air biscuits?

DaisyMae Maus said...

Empress ... That CAT someone is saying what we're all thinkin'!

Oh ... and I actually like that old Eddie Murphy song. It puts me into the right frame of mind when I'm hocking up hairballs or having an especially difficult time in the litterbox.


local girl said...

Who needs People Magazine when I have you? This is all news to me! Especially Grey's Anatomy. Now Chandra Wilson's award speech makes sense!

Zeus said...

I'm as shocked as Carmen about She's Like The Wind. I can't imagine what would have possessed someone to think that's ok.

Umm, and on the dl here: Could please you send me the penis enlargement e-mail as well, Kukka? Don't tell anyone though, ok?

Sparky Duck said...

wow, I thought that Patrick Swayze cover was a bad nightmare.

Now, I bet it would be worse if George hooked up with Paris wouldnt it?

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

How could anyone in their right mind prefer Pamela Anderson to YOU! Personally I was wondering about G. Clooneys orientation, but we no longer need to wonder about that.

WendyWings said...

Geogre and I are no longer speaking because of this travesty.
HI !! yes I am actually doing the rounds and visiting.
Life has been crazy , too crazy to blog about.
Auditions are up if you want to play and or invite others too :)