stopped caring a long time ago. I present to you:
the Last Week, Instead of
Giving Two Shits About my Sick Agent.
- Pursued legal action against The Pussycat Dolls for getting me drunk and stealing my intellectual property (regarding the group's name, likeness and trashy choreography). I think it's clear who the ORIGINAL Pussycat Doll was...
- Wrote George W. Bush's presidential address. Too bad he decided to go with his own version...
- Hitch-hiked cross-country just to say I did it. On a side note, here's a shout-out to Hambone, who hosted me in his big rig as I crossed Kansas. Thanks for taking me to see the largest ball of twine, Hammy! Oh, and for cutting back on the hooch to keep me safe as I rode shotgun. Be careful with your drinking...I'd hate to hear your nickname had been changed to Pickled Liver!
- Met with Milton Bradley executives about my board game concept. It's a game based on the nightly conversation at our house and is titled, "Ok...Who Farted?" [Editor's Note: At our house, the answer is usually "Kukka."] There's quite a bit of pre-work (eating beans and broccoli), but the game is a riot and brings families together, primarily because they can't fight their way out of the fog of flatulence!
- Ding-dong-ditched at Britney Spears' new Beverly Hills home. I love seeing Brit chase me barefoot, with hair extensions in disarray, loose false eyelashes flapping in the breeze and a smoke dangling from her mouth. She should really do her research before blaming me! I hear new neighbor, Ed McMahon, is notorious for ringing doorbells...
- Guest judged for Bravo's Top Chef. I love the show. I love to eat. I love criticizing people. I was a natural choice! Plus, with Chef Tom Colicchio and I as sexy book-ends at the judges table...ratings are sure to soar!
- Knitted 17 pair of panties for Britney. Clearly, she doesn't have enough, based on the countless paparazzi photos of her business...her lady business. I knit them with my long and sharp claws. Apparently, when my Agent is sick, I am expected to go without my bi-weekly mani/pedi.
- Replaced all the remote control batteries with dead ones. Just to mess with my Agent's mental stability. As a result, she began listing "hallucinations" among her many symptoms. SCORE!
- Sold my Agent's codeine-packed, prescription cough syrup on the street. And when I say "sold," you know I really mean "traded for a few well-placed body scritches."
- Traveled to Africa with my gal-pal Madonna to adopt a wild, itty-bitty, baby lion cublet. With Madonna on my side, I expected to have little trouble breezing through the adoption process, but apparently, cats (royal or otherwise) are not legally able to adopt. I had to stow him in my carry-on. The bitch at customs forbade...forbade me from bringing him into the country! I've since learned he would have gotten a smidge larger and, actually, I think sharing a litter box with him would have been a nightmare. No love lost here.
- To prepare for my new venture into competitive eating, I scarfed a squillion pounds of hotdogs, hamburgers, meatballs and...believe it or not, okra. When I find a contest that involved licking my Agent's napkin and fingers when she eats salt and vinegar potato chips, I'm totally going to dominate!
- Mentored a group of underprivileged shelter kittens on the art of feline feminine seduction. Keep practicing, girls! Don't make me regret being charitable!
- Traveled to Las Vegas to accept a lifetime achievement honor at the Adult Video News Awards for "The Most Beautiful, Yet Furriest Pussy in the Industry." I'm assuming they mean the blogging industry, since I haven't made an adult film in years!
CHECK OUT MY THURSDAY 13 ARCHIVE!
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