Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Brad Pitt to Fight Canadians in Next Movie

I got a call yesterday to do a movie with my ex-boyfriend, Brad Pitt. Despite the fact it's been ages since I've [never actually] made a movie [in my entire life], I was a bit surprised they didn't ask me to audition.

Surprised, at least, until I remembered who I was. An Empress does not have to read for a part!

My Agent encouraged me to take a look at the script before committing to the role, but I refused to be tied down with details. It doesn't take a mathlete to figure this one out: (Me + Brad Pitt) + Steamy Love Scene = Oscar!

"Read the script, Kukka..." she pleaded.

"Shut it..."

"Well, don't come running to me if you are unhappy later!" she blurted.

I made the "blah-blah-blah" chatty jaw motion with my paw and began grooming my fur with my tongue. If I was to be meeting Brad, the director and producers in a few hours for our first table-read, I had to have my hair did!

As I waited at the door, in a stunning Stella McCartney halter dress (Brad loves my bare shoulders), my Agent flitted past me and grabbed her keys and purse.

"Have you read the script?" she asked.

I rolled my eyes and flipped her the bird with my hind paw (my front paws were still feeling a little tender from my weekend run-ins with Oprah and Star Jones-Reynolds).

"Are we taking your car?" I sneered, clenching my teeth.

As is typical, my agent shunned the idea of hiring a limo service, so I soon found myself in the back seat of her Volkswagen Beetle. There are so many things wrong with that sentence, my head is swimming! I'm not even going to get into the fact I was contained in a...pet carrier!

We arrived at the producers' offices 7 minutes late.

"Kukkaaaaaaaaa..." crooned my former love. "Still making me anxiously await your beauty, I see!"

"Hello, Brad." I could hardly hear my terse and forced voice over the thundering thuds of my heart.

Pulling my chair and booster seat out for me, and filling a water dish with fresh Evian, Brad flashed me that rugged smile and winked. "Still looking as super-sexy as ever," he whispered, his breath making the fur in and around my ear quiver. It took every bit of concentration I could muster to keep my tail from thumping the chair excitedly.

"Alright, people!" Steven Soderbergh yelled. "Let's get this first read going! The scene opens with Brad and Kukka, sitting on the couch together. Brad, you are upset, having heard you are being shipped off to Canada to fight in the Great Maple Syrup War. Kukka, you are comforting him. ACTION!"

"Kukka...oh, Kukka," Brad murmured. "I will be away so long...away from you. The war will be brutal; the Canadians are pissed. Their battle tactics are heinous! As I spend lonely months enduring sharply-worded insults, slight slaps across the face, and long bouts of the ol' silent treatment...I will be thinking of home. And of you."

I tore my eyes from his and read my line. "Purrrrrrr..."


"I will have Old Lady Milford, from next door, check in on you daily. She'll give you food, water and those tasty little treats you like."


What the eff? MEOW?!

"I've also asked her to scoop your litter box each and every day because I know you like it clean like that."

"Meeeerrrrrowr." Who the hell wrote this drivel?

"There is a knock on the door," shouted Soderbergh at the top of his lungs. "Brad, you'll move Kukka aside gently and walk to the door where you'll find...wait! Where is our leading lady?"

"WHAT?" I screamed in my head. "I'm right here, Soderber..."

"Hola, everyone! Sorry I'm late!" The door suddenly burst open and Penelope Cruz entered in a blur. "My driver eees sick and my Volkswagen Beetle eees a stick-shift. I'm just not that good at it!" she shrugged with a giggle.

I glanced at my Agent, who was giving me the "I-told-you-my-car-was-super-cool" look. Rolling my eyes, I looked back at Penelope. What the hell was she doing here?

Making eyes at her, Soderbergh smiled, "We completely understand, Penelope. You're not late; you're just in time! We are right at the part where you make your entrance." Freeing himself from her temporary, but powerful Vagina Spell, he turned to the rest of the team. "Ok, everyone! Knocking at the door...do you hear it?! And...ACTION!"

Brad pantomimed opening the door as I looked dumbfounded at him. And then at Penelope. My eyes gradually and angrily narrowed as they darted back and forth...from him to her...from him...to her.

"Cecilia...my love!" Brad shouted.

Penelope breathlessly delivered her line. "Dirk! Eees is true you are leaving me? Are you really going to fight the mighty Canucks?"

"Ok, now you kiss passionately. And begin removing one another's clothes..." Soderbergh drooled.

The room trembled as I howled, "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUC..."

"Kukka!" barked my Agent, snatching me from my seat and carrying me across the room.

"What is that bitch doing with my man?!" I hissed, struggling to free myself from my Agent's grasp and thrusting my claws in Penelope's general direction.

"Empress!" shouted Brad, leaping from his seat. "What is wrong?"

"Oh, eeesn't that preciosa?" Penelope muttered through clenched teeth and a forced grin. "That little kitty thought she was going to be the leading lady..."

"Let! Me! Go!" I hissed, wrestling with my Agent. "Just give my claws 30 seconds with her face!"

Brad suddenly approached me, his voice tender and low. "Kukka...is that true? You thought you were cast as my love interest in this movie with the working title, Brad Fights Canucks and Gives Penelope Good Fu..."

"I did." I strategically interrupted. My shoulders quaked as I sobbed. "I thought we would be making out, dining by candle light, going for long walks in the forests of Canada, and making out."

"But she's una gata!" Penelope laughed.

"She's not just a cat, Penelope," Brad thundered. "She is MY CAT! And she is my love!"

Turning back to me, he stroked my face, kissed my nose and said, "But, seriously, Kukka. I think man on cat love is a little too creepy for the general public and I'm not sure I want an NC-17 rating on my résumé. I'm going to be making out with Penelope in this flick. Sorry."

As my Agent hoisted my pet carrier past Penelope's Bug in the parking lot, I reached out and clawed the entire driver's side, not even attempting to hide the joy on my face.

Hell hath no fury like a Feline Empress scorned.

I know what you're thinking. "Will Brad now be added to your Shit Litter List, Kukka-Maria?"

My head says, "Absolutely."
My heart says, "I can't!"
My lady business says, "Are you freakin' kidding me? NEVER!"

My junk always wins.


The Meezers said...

see? you can't add Brad to your litter list, and I'm MUCH cuter, so you can't add me to it eifurr. Right? ::slightly trembling and waiting hopefully for the verdict:: - Miles

Kukka-Maria said...

The Tomcat Stable Board of Directors has been in a closed-door session since last week, Miles. Keep in mind, Brad sits on the board, so pointing out the fact you're much cuter might not bode well for you.

I'll see what I can do to put in a good word for you. Janet Reno is getting cranky though, since she hasn't had access to her internet Texas Hold 'Em game for days.

I'd expect a verdict by Friday. ;)

The Meezers said...

ok Kukka, I'll try and wait.
::turns away, wiping tears from his eyes - I can't do anyfing right sob sob, I'll haf to werk harder on my balentine::

Renee said...

I'm guessing that Penelope is on the litter list. Oh and that Soderbergh person too.

Do you think reading the script first might have changed things any? I still think that you would have gone to see Brad.

local girl said...

I don't know how you hollywood types do it. I don't think I could handle seeing my love kissing someone else!

William said...

Kukka, you must think I've been ignoring you. I swear I leave comments and see them and then they've disappeared into space! ::blogger, grrrr:: It's been happening at a few of my friends' places and it's making me very cranky.

Carmen said...

The great maple syrup war. ha! Are they fighting because it's liquid and you can't take it on an airplane?