Valentine's Day. For some, it's the most romantic day of the year. For the rest of the world, it's the most emotionally abusive holiday on the calendar (next to dysfunctional Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations with the extended family).
For me, it's just another day for creatures of all kinds to love me. Oh, and yet another opportunity to take my fans by their paws and lead them to inner peace and tranquility. Or at least hear myself talk.
As I look in my mailbag on this day o' hearts and love, I am amazed that so many of my fans are pathetic, loveless losers! "Whine, whine...whimper, whimper! I don't have love in my life...boo-hoo."
It's a good thing you have me! Let's stick an arrow in Cupid's ass and get this party started!
Q: Kukka, I've dated the same man for over seven years. Recently, I've recognized a troubling pattern in his behavior. He tends to break up with me one week prior to major holidays (Christmas, Valentine's Day, my birthday...) and then calls to reconcile one week after. My friends say he is cheap and doesn't want to buy me gifts. I think he's just scared of commitment and that, with time and a little effort, I can love that fear out of him. What do you think?
A: I say dump his ass! Unless you're not super-sexy. If you are moderately sexy, at best, hang on to him. He's probably the best you can get. Celebrate his consistency and keep trying to change him. I've heard that works.
Q: For three years now, Empress, my husband insists upon inviting his mother to join us in a romantic Valentine's Day dinner. Am I wrong in thinking this is inappropriate and slightly sickening? She's a nice lady, but I'm getting frustrated.
A: She might be a nice lady, ma'am, but she is also one skilled cock-blocker. From what I understand, after you're married, the one day a year you get laid is on Valentine's Day. Okay, and maybe your anniversary...if he remembers. This woman is keeping you from the penis that is fueled by the Viagra YOU PAY FOR! You must take action. And quickly. My advice? Check the will. If you stand to inherit scads of cash from the old bag, buy her a shrimp cocktail and shut your pie hole. If you are not listed in the will or if you are referred to as "my son's current wife," send granny packing and make no apologies.
Q: Kukka-Maria, you always seem to have so many admirers. I would love to be just like you. How do you do it?
A: I'm foxy. Most people look at me and think this level of super-sexiness just "happens." Wrong. I've worked hard to perfect my super-sexy glances and my oh-so-sultry purr. If you're a feline? Forget it. Few, if any, have what it takes to be like me. If you're human, I have a few tips. First, grow all your body hair out. All of it. Next, give up traditional showering. Your tongue should be sufficient. Finally, let someone else do your flushing. Have you ever heard of me scooping my own litter box? You do that and let me know how things work out.
[Editor's Note: Looks like she's setting you up...do you really think she's going to help someone become as super-sexy as her?]
Q: My girlfriend didn't buy me a Valentine's gift this year, saying the herd of Genital Crabs she gave me was the gift that keeps on giving. I'm dumping her. Will you go on a Valentine's date with me?
A: Oh, yes! Of course I will! You keep scratching your crotch and wait for my Agent to call and set something up with you. Great, now my lady business itches just at the mention of crabs...
Q: Kukka, I don't have any money to buy my girlfriend a Valentine's Day gift this year. Do you have any suggestions? I don't want her to dump me, thinking I don't love her!
A: There are a lot of things you could do! A massage, a home-cooked meal, a sensual strip-tease...all of these things can be nice. But not as nice as money and gifts. Take out a personal loan or a second mortgage on your house. Return bottles and cans for the deposit money! SOMETHING! You need to buy access to her sissy, my friend. I didn't make up the rules of the game; I'm just reading the box top for you.
[Editor's Note: This type of attitude is not encouraged in our home and should, in no way, be construed as a "life lesson" I have given her. As usual, I take no responsibility for her words or actions.]
Q: Empress, what is the best Valentine's gift you've ever received? Who gave it to you?
A: Hmmmm...that's a tough one! One year, Brad Pitt gave me an Aston Martin Vanquish S. It was a great gift, but without a driver's license and a booster seat, what was I supposed to do with it? Before Tom Cruise went crazy, we had a Valentine's date during which he present me with a wad of cash and an afternoon at a Scientology spa to get my thetan cleansed of engrams to help me reach the state of "clear." Wait, did I say that was before he went crazy? I suppose it was George Clooney's greeting card, filled with "Love Coupons" for things like belly rubs, ear scritches, and cleaning my litter box. The thought was precious, even though he never came through on the scooping.
Whether you're alone, with a special "someone," or a celebrity feline blogger surrounded by a stable of super-sexy tomcats...may you feel love today and every day! Happy Valentine's Day!
Read more of my mail in my "Dear Kukka..." Archive!