Associated Press (AP): What started as a glamorous and delightful evening for Empress Kukka-Maria, ended in misery last night at The 79th Annual Academy Awards.
Arriving in a stretch Hummer gas/electric hybrid limo and toted to the red carpet in a Swarovski crystal-covered pet carrier, The Empress was a stunning sight, if not perfection. She paused and posed for photographs, scratched autographs for fans and even resisted the urge to claw the eyes out of Cojo, Entertainment Tonight's obnoxious fashion correspondent.
It wasn't until Kukka-Maria was stopped at the door to the venue that things went awry.
"Having to tell Empress Kukka-Maria...the Empress Kukka-Maria, that the Oscar she won for 'Best Supporting Oscar Acceptance Speech' was awarded at the Scientific and Technical Awards on February 10th, was awkward. No, not so much awkward as completely [expletive]ing terrifying! But, I had to tell her she was not invited to the televised awards and that I could not let her in," trembled Tom Fritz, Oscar security guard. "The twenty-seven seconds of silence, during which she bore holes into my soul with her vindictive eyes, seemed like eternity. I have to admit: I peed myself a little bit."
As Kukka digested the information, witnesses say she began salivating, pacing and licking her lips wildly. Amidst the mumbles of profanity, she peppered sudden screams of "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE MOTHER-[EXPLETIVE]ING KIDDING ME HERE!" Then, as suddenly as the storm erupted, it stopped as The Empress extended her paw with a smile. "Well, I thank you, Mr. Tom Fritz, for your assistance here tonight. I wish you a long and fruitful life."
"The air stood still and the deafening noise of camera shutters, the screams of fans, and the growling of anorexic stomachs were silenced...as if by a switch," Fritz explained. "I had thought we were cool about all of it, but the look of pure evil she was giving me caused me to wet myself completely."
"So she showed up on the wrong night? No one told her she wasn't going to be televised? Classic Kukka!" said a laughing Brad Pitt in a telephone interview from his movie set in New Orleans. "Of course she wasn't going to let it go! I've spent enough time with that super-sexy, yet very manipulative and cunning feline to know the battle may have been over, but the war would rage on. Don't they train those poor security guards in Kukka-specific battle tactics?"
Witnesses say that in one quick and stealthy movement, Kukka leapt toward Fritz's crotch, claws extended. Grabbing onto his testicles, she was suspended in the air for at least 7 seconds, until Fritz was brought to his knees with a single thud. Whether to give him much-needed relief or to catch her own breath, The Empress cracked her knuckles while Fritz writhed in pain. Staring at her prey, she jumped on him again, kicking his testicles with all four paws until he begged and screamed for mercy.
"Oooooh, that [expletive] meant business!" exclaimed Oscar nominee, Eddie Murphy. "I wouldn't want to meet that crazy pussy in a dark alley!" Turning to his agent, Murphy continued, "If I ever do a movie with her, make sure it's in my contract that the producers provide a protective cup for me!"
Finally leaving a sobbing Fritz in a puddle of his own bodily fluids, the empress bolted down the red carpet, her custom-designed Roberto Cavalli gown billowing in her wake. Stopping suddenly, she plucked at the rug with her french-manicured claws. "KUKKA!" her Agent shouted in the deepest and most threatening version of her voice. "KUKKA! NO! NO!! STOP PLUCKING RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY!"
Without a blink, bystanders say Kukka-Maria stared her agent down as she released her bladder on the red carpet.
"When Kukka-Maria urinated on the red carpet, I wanted to join her!" laughed Oscar winner, Helen Mirren. "I've played many a gutsy woman in my time, but nothing like her! Tonight, I won an Oscar for 'The Queen,' but I won't consider my career a true success until I get the opportunity to portray The Empress."
Walking a few steps away from her puddle, Kukka-Maria shocked witnesses by sitting down and licking her lady business--for three solid minutes. Then, without pause, she began dragging her derriere down the red carpet...leaving a streak behind her. Cameras flashed as she leapt onto Tom Cruise's pant leg and scratched her way down. Sources tell us that this was not an impulsive move, but an attempt to further fuel a long-time feud between the two.
According to Oscar security reports, it took 14 men with taser guns, 2 rabid dogs, and a squad of 7 vigilante hamsters to apprehend the celebrity feline and remove her from the red carpet.
While absent from the televised awards, Kukka was seen at the Vanity Fair after-party with an equally disgruntled Beyoncé Knowles. Raising her flute of Cristal, Knowles was overheard to say, "I'm the real mother-[expletive]ing DREAM GIRL! That [expletive]ing Jennifer Hudson has my Oscar...!"
"That [expletive]ing security guard still has my panties..." responded Kukka, belching loudly.
Kukka's intoxicated body was last seen on George Clooney's lap as he lovingly gave her belly-rubs and ear scritches throughout the night.
Better luck next year, Empress. Better luck next year.