Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Open Letter to the Clearly-Insane Britney Spears

Dear Crazy Bitch,

I'm not going to start off telling you how I think the notoriety you've achieved due to your behavior over the last couple of years has far out-shadowed any fame you achieved when you "sang" (air quotes) and hypnotized tweens with your fabricated hooters and pelvic gyrations. I'm not going to bring up your failed marriage to "Mr. Right." And, dear Britney, I refuse to suggest your children may be better raised by rabid mountain lions than you.

No, wait. The kid thing is important. There are things that just need to be said.

Britney, I'm concerned. Every day, I am subjected to late-night, scandalous paparazzi shots featuring you. Sans panties. Drunk. Hanging with The Devil (Paris Hilton). With all that after-hours carousing, I'm guessing your days consist of waking up at the crack of noon and watching the nanny care for your children.

Or, you simply throw some Cheerios and Starbucks in the play pen and take off. It wouldn't surprise me.

At this point, the damage is already done. Instead of interviewing for prestigious pre-schools, you may as well spend your time helping Sean decide between the Bloods and the Cryps. In fact, I'd line up his parole officer now. It will save you time when he's 12.

I've taken the liberty of providing you with an age-progressed photograph of little Sean Preston. He looks so young, doesn't he? Unfortunately, his growth was stunted by the steady diet of Red Bull and cigarettes throughout his childhood.

The teardrop tattoo by his eye? He killed a man on Rodeo drive...just to watch him die.

What you do not see in the photo are his severely atrophied legs, due to years of sitting on his ass, wasting his inheritance on video games and booze. Taking his cue from you, he'll have a few "practice marriages," resulting in three to four illegitimate children. And, Britney, expect to pay for years and years of psychotherapy due primarily to you dating all of his friends and being exposed to your pantiless poontang.

Heed my warning, Spears. If you do not stop your berserk and irresponsible behavior, there will be more than a failed career at stake.

Don't mistake my concern for your kids as concern for you. I've experienced your cat-sitting...and I'm still recovering! You can't care for little kitties; motherhood is catastrophic--at epic levels.

As for the other kid, What's-His-Name? No use even addressing that. He'll be in jail, anyway.

Get it together!
The Empress

14 comments:

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Genuinely heartfelt, my dear, and certainly in the best interest of those poor children. The question is, will this nutcase heed the advice of the all-knowing Empress. I'll venture a guess of, NO WAY! Her life will continue to be a train wreck and everyone in its path will suffer.

But you can rest easily knowing you did your best to help.

George

Kaze, Latte, or Chase said...

Poor little Sean, what a waste of a child prodigy. At least he's "artistic".

Kaze

The Meezers said...

i'm glad she's not MY mom. we haf a hard enuf time wif her. - Miles

Simba said...

Spot on, Kukka. Many a truth told in jest.

Gemini said...

Oh Kukka, this is why you are my hero!!!

Kimo & Sabi said...

What is the werld coming to? She is a skanky bee-ach! Ooooh - did we say that? When we's here on yer bloggie, we feels like talkin' dirty - hehehe! (Don't tell Mommakitty)

Kimo & Sabi said...

What is the werld coming to? She is a skanky bee-ach! Ooooh - did we say that? When we's here on yer bloggie, we feels like talkin' dirty - hehehe! (Don't tell Mommakitty)

Fuzzybear said...

The other kids name is Felon.

Renee said...

Oh I am so glad you've said something to her Kukka. Someone needed to.
but in all honesty I think the best thing for her kids is to call social services on her. I know that the nanny will do an awesome job raising the kids, but does a kid really want someone who is paid to watch them to be their sudoparent? I think not.

Sparky Duck said...

nice thoughts Kukka, though if I were you I would not leave out the Latin Kings as a gang reference. I would hate to see you or the agent get capped

DaisyMae Maus said...

Kukka ... You need to make your bid NOW for custody of those two children. Heaven knows it's just moments 'til La Spears gets her visit from Child Protective Services and loses them both. You'd be a highly more appropriate baby mama to those kids than that lunatic who birthed 'em.
DMM

Buttercup said...

I'm with you. I had such high hopes for that girl's comeback but she seems deadset against making it happen. It's sad.

Zeus said...

This is hilarious! You need to go to http://dl.aol.com and click on the vlog called "Where in the World are Brittney Spears Babies?" If you don't die laughing, I'll be shocked.

Furry Logic said...

OMG! That is the most hysterical thing we have ever read. Have you ever thought of hosting a tell-it-like-it-is talk show? We need your perspective, Kukka.