While I missed my opportunity to wow the masses last year, I fully intend to unleash this year's masterpiece, "AppreciaFest 2007," on their asses Sunday. When they read my name after, "And the Oscar goes to...," buckle up for a tear-filled, laughter-laden speech that will resonate in your hearts for
Since you were unfairly deprived of my words last year, I offer you an opportunity to see my notes from my nominated speech:
OSCAR ACCEPTANCE SPEECH NOTES, MARCH 5, 2006
- When they announce your name, bring your paws up and shake your head while throwing random glances around the room and tearing up. No matter how much you knew you were going to win, act surprised. People eat that shit up!
- Blindly work your way to the stage, pausing to give Will Smith a high-five and Brad Pitt a tongue-kiss. Stop to raise the roof with Warren Beatty and deliver a threatening hiss and swat to Tom Cruise. Pause a few times, look around, and pretend you can't find your way to the stage. After about 4 seconds, some hot stud will come to your aid by picking you up, and carrying you up the stairs. This is not only an endearing move, it's practical! Those Jimmy Choos, while custom-made, are murder on my four paws!
- Once on stage, be sure not to resist the hugs from presenters, Meryl Streep and Jack Nicholson. You know Meryl is going to want to hold you like a baby and snuggle your snout! And, while you hate it, understand it's only because you are so super-sexy and irresistible. Plus, it might make a great candid for E!.
- Make a lame joke about the positioning of the microphone. Laugh nervously, gesture up toward the mic stand with your tail, shrug and wait for Jack to lower it to the appropriate 1ft.
- Start out by claiming to be surprised (even though you are not). Make an off-the-cuff comment about not being prepared to give a speech and make mention that, due to the caliber of your co-nominees, you are amazed to be receiving this honor.
- At this point, it's crucial you resist the overwhelming urge to yawn! Apparently, it's rude and disrespectful.
- Thank random people at first. Your veterinarian for keeping you healthy. Iams for filling your tummy. The squirrel that plays in the yard who keeps you on your toes. Rambling on like this will both bore the crowd and make your Agent fear she will be overlooked.
- Go beyond just thanking God. Consider making a statement like, "I want to give a 'what-what' to my Big Poppa in the sky. God, you sent me down here as an angel of mercy and example of perfection to the sinful masses...but I didn't stop there! I nabbed myself a [expletive] OSCAR, baby!" Yeah, it would be better without the censoring, but expect they'll have you on a seven second delay for nudity, anyway.
- Thank your Tomcat Stable for the lustful admiration they unleash upon you. Be careful not to start naming specific names, though...as you don't want to forget anyone or, heaven forbid, mispronounce their names. Note: Learn how to pronounce all their names instead of calling them Stud 1, Stud 2, etc.
- Don't make any passionate political statements. Not only could it be detrimental to your popularity, it's not worth it. Plus, it's not like the war will be still going on this time next year!
- Ignore the swelling music. They can't smoke you out with a little MC Hammer. As they blast "Can't Touch This" to urge you off the stage, remember THEY CAN'T TOUCH YOU!
- Reluctantly thank your Agent, but fight the urge to roll your eyes or give her the middle claw.
- Lastly, wipe a fake tear, thank the Academy for recognizing a little ol' kitty like you, and express gratitude for the honor to work with such talented peers and to be living your dream!
- IMPORTANT: DO NOT FART ON THE STAGE!
Truly an Oscar-worthy acceptance speech! Be sure to tune in this Sunday when I win "Best Supporting Oscar Acceptance Speech" and lay down the foundation for a nomination next year with "AppreciaFest 2007."