Associated Press (AP): One avid Kukka fan called it "The best multiple nipple flash I've seen in my entire life...WOOOOO!" Representatives for The Empress have referred to it as "A tragic and unexpected wardrobe malfunction for which we sincerely apologize."
No matter your take on it, Empress Kukka-Maria's stunning display of feline nudity was the highlight of the 49th Annual Grammy Awards.
"I was shocked," stammered a sweaty and trembling Samuel L. Jackson. "We had talked backstage for awhile before presenting. I laughed so hard at her impression of me as she yelled, 'I have had it with these mother-[expletive] snakes on this mother-[expletive] plane!' All in all, it was your typical award show scene. Typical, I guess...until she whipped her titties out on stage!"
Just as the category winner was to be announced, The Empress flopped down on the stage and her gown fell open.
"When her gown dropped and the lights hit her multiple nipples, there was, like, three seconds of silence followed by deafening applause and cheers," explained long-time Kukka blog fan, John Mayer. Revealing his swollen palms, he continued, "I literally clapped until my hands were bruised! I had seen pictures of her topless on the blog before, but to see them live, large and in-charge? Breathtaking..."
Producers struggled to keep the show on track. "Once we realized the applause was not dying down, but actually growing with intensity, we tried swelling the music, hoping Mr. Jackson would pick up Kukka-Maria and exit the stage quickly. Neither star could hear the music and, quite frankly, Mr. Jackson appeared to be hypnotized by The Empress' healthy rack. Cutting to a commercial was the only option we had after 3 solid minutes of a thunderous standing ovation."
Whether due to a long-time feud or anger at being upstaged, a clearly jealous Natalie Maines, from the Dixie Chicks, announced plans for a summer topless tour at the post-show press conference. "We've been planning Titty Tour 2007 for months," she angrily stated. "Y'all...we are honest to God rebels! How many people would rather see kitty titties than what we're sportin' here? How many Kukka-Maria discs have been steam-rolled? The Dixie Chicks define rebellion!" Grabbing her band mate's gown, she yanked. Gesturing toward one of the sisters' breasts (does it really matter which sister or which breast?) with one of the five Grammys earned by the band during the evening, she bellowed, "YEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAW! The nip stops here, bitches!"
Kukka's Agent was a bit more pragmatic in her explanation of "Nip-Fest 2007."
"Kukka had some last-minute wardrobe adjustments before coming to the theater tonight. She had gained...I mean, lost some weight and had her gown altered merely minutes before her limo arrived. The fact that inferior thread was used to fasten her bodice is unfortunate. The fact that millions of minors were subjected to a bare feline bosom is regrettable. We apologize for any inconvenience and/or psychotherapy her super-sexy, yet inappropriately exposed multiple nipples have caused the viewing public."
The majority of CBS affiliates, expecting crude displays, chose to put the awards show on a 7-second delay. Said one Arkansas station manager, "When we heard Kukka-Maria was presenting, we thought it best to prepare. Fortunately for us, we were able to catch and contain the flying nips before they were broadcast. Having a very clever and hilarious rerun of Two and a Half Men queued and ready to run was a great choice for us."
"Damn!" barked a toothless man, living deep in the bible belt and previously unaware that his CBS affiliate had done the ol' switcheroo. "While I was laughing my [expletive] off at Ducky Dale and that man-whore, I could have been seein' me some kitty titty?"
Was it staged? Was it an accident? Empress Kukka-Maria was not available for comment, nor would Grammy officials speak about her fate as a participant in future award ceremonies.