Friday, February 09, 2007

So Sayeth the TSBoD

Recently, Miles Meezer, celebrated Tomcat Stable member and super-sexy feline, committed the ultimate betrayal.

HE TOOK ON A SECOND GIRLFRIEND.

I know what you're saying to yourself: "Um, Kukka? I might be out of line here, but don't YOU have multiple love interests? Why is it so terrible that Miles have a sweetie on the side?"

Get out of here! Seriously. Stop reading and leave. If you think that sort of "logic" and "common sense" is welcome here, you are dead wrong!

From my perspective, the Tomcat Stable members, upon joining my love posse, knew the rules. They would love me--and only me--forever and ever, while I would be free to pursue simultaneously monogamous relationships with multiple super-sexy tomcats.

How is that so freakin' unfair?

To be clear, Sanjee (the other woman in this case), is a class-act. No one can dispute her beauty and moderate-sexiness! While I hold no ill feelings toward her, both she and Miles must understand and obey The Tomcat Stable Code of Conduct if Miles wishes to remain in my love den and he and Sanjee wish to continue their lust affair (I refuse to call it "love," as that word is reserved for me and only me).

For the last seven days, the Tomcat Stable Board of Directors has been in closed-door sessions discussing this issue at length. The tension in the room has been thick and, at times, tempers have risen to dangerous heights. While the board's collective view was that Miles was in the wrong, his fate has been the point of contention for the last 152+ hours.

At this time, I would like to present the minutes from the Tomcat Stable Board of Directors' meeting:



DATE: 02/02/2007

REPORTING SECRETARY:
Fmr. Pres. and Retired Stable Member, Bill Clinton

BOARD MEMBERS PRESENT:
Donny Osmond, Carrot Top, Brad Pitt, Diane Sawyer, Kelly Clarkson, Maury Povich and LaToya Jackson.

BOARD MEMBERS ABSENT:
Joey Buttafuoco (who was booked as a keynote speaker at a porn convention in Vegas), Tony Soprano (who is a fictional character and unable to participate) and Paula Abdul (who, while physically present, clearly was not "there...")

OLD BUSINESS:

  • Donny Osmond thanked the board for the surprise birthday party in December. He was touched by the helium balloons and really liked the cake.
  • Diane Sawyer took credit for the cake.
  • LaToya Jackson asked if anyone had heard of any opportunities that would allow her to be on television. The room was silent for a solid 4 minutes and 27 seconds.
  • Carrot Top put on a hat that was also a toilet paper dispenser and told joke after joke, only shutting up after the board offered up polite chuckles.


NEW BUSINESS:

  • Kelly Clarkson presented the facts of Meezergate.
    • FACT: Miles pledged affection for Sanjee without Kukka's consent.
    • FACT: Kukka discovered this on The Crew's Views (where Tomcat Stable members Max and George reside).
    • FACT: Kukka cried for minutes hours days over this act of betrayal.
    • FACT: The bylaws must be amended to address this and any future acts of Tomcat Treason.
  • Diane Sawyer cried.
  • Brad Pitt sprained his wrist angrily throwing a chair across the room and broke a hand-mirror over Maury Povich's head (unrelated to his Miles rage).
  • Paula Abdul mumbled incoherently, drooled and clapped her hands.



TOMCAT STABLE ADULTRY BYLAWS (effective immediately):

It is understood that, at times, members of the Tomcat Stable will feel neglected due to Kukka's lack of attention (for reasons including, but not limited to: other tomcats, public appearances, admiring herself in the mirror, dates with human celebrities, answering fan mail, etc.). If and when this situation arises, each Tomcat Stable Member (TSM) is allowed to take on no more than one (1) mistress.

Bylaws are subject to change at any moment, without consent or notice.

MISTRESS CLAUSE

"The other woman" (TOW):

  • May be "sort-of-sexy," "moderately-sexy" or "plain-jane-sexy." May not, at any time, exceed "somewhat-sexy."
  • May be lean, but not skinnier than Kukka.
  • May be opulent, but not rubenesque.
  • May not have surgically enhanced multiple nipples that overshadow those of The Empress.
  • May have silky fur or long, flowing fur...but not silky and long, flowing fur.
  • May never expose more nipples than Kukka in public or in private.
  • May only wear designer "knock-offs" of Kukka's fashions and no less than one (1) season behind.
  • May never stand taller than Kukka.
  • May never look Kukka directly in or anywhere around the eyes.
  • May never be photographed with a TSM. Doctored photographs merging two existing pictures together is permitted, if photos are tasteful and sharing of said photos is kept to a minimum. If said photos are printed in tabloid magazines, heads will roll.
  • May never speak to the media about her "alleged" relationship with a TSM.
  • May never speak Kukka's name. Or think it. Unless it's nice things said and good thoughts. But, even then, it's questionable...
  • May have eyes, but not of the "bedroom," nor "come-hither" variety.
  • May never have pinker paw-pads than Kukka. When in the presence of The Empress, pinker paw-pads must be hidden or muddied immediately.
  • May never kiss, lick, nuzzle, make goo-goo eyes at, or sing to a TSM in public or in Kukka's presence.
  • May never speak to or about The Empress at any time, unless offering a sincere (or insincere) compliment.


TOMCAT CLAUSE

All TSMs with wandering eyes:

  • Must never speak of TOW to or around Kukka-Maria. It is understood there will be times when thoughts/feelings are documented about said woman in public places (comments or blog posts), but speaking directly to Kukka about a mistress is prohibited--even if she tries to trap a TSM into speaking about said feline. TSMs should be smarter than to fall in that manipulative female trap!
  • Must always take Kukka's calls when she dials a TSM's cell phone. If said TSM is speaking with TOW he must immediately switch to Kukka's call--without explanation or a goodbye to said tramp female.
  • Must never buy or make a gift for TOW unless gift of greater monetary or emotional value is provided to The Empress.
  • Must play stupid. If a TSM and TOW meet up with Kukka on the street, he is to immediately ignore the mistress and turn all affection to The Empress. When asked who his "friend" is, he is to respond, "Friend? I've never seen this woman before in my life!"
  • Must make dates with Kukka priority #1. If Kukka bestows and invitation to a TSM (including, but not limited to: red carpet events, interviews with the media, or massages on her pretty pink paw-pads), that occasion is to take precedence over any other plans he may have. TOW's birthday? Sorry. Meeting the mistress' human adoptive mother? Too bad. You, sir, are on call 24/7 for Kukka duty.
  • Must never pimp another TSM out. "My mistress has a sister that would be perfect for you!" NO! If a TSM strays, he is alone. Encouraging other TSMs to prowl is prohibited.
  • Must compliment Kukka incessantly--especially if it is known you have taken on a mistress.
  • Must give Kukka-Maria top billing. On holidays, special occasions or just any day, when speaking or writing about Kukka and TOW, Kukka's name must be spoken or written first. And said louder.

Any TSM who disagrees with or disregards these bylaws immediately forsakes his throne in the Tomcat Stable and will be relegated to "just friends" status by The Empress.





Diane Sawyer reinforced the fact that Miles Meezer WILL NOT be asked to leave the stable, as Kukka's heart could not take that level of pain. He will be asked to review the bylaws and determine if he wishes to remain her boyfriend.

Kukka-Maria, eavesdropping on the meeting, sighed with relief.

Kelly Clarkson ended the meeting with a song.

LaToya chimed in.

Everyone ran from the room.

14 comments:

The Meezers said...

Oh Kukka, I has nefurr been happier!!! I aksept the new by-laws, and I hope in some way I haf made it easier for ofurr TomCats to ease their loneliness on nights when they are not in Kukka's company. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - Miles

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Thank you, Kukka. We just knew the Board of Directors would make the right decision and Miles would remain safely in your heart...your generous, forgiving heart.

(cue the background music; Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On & On")

Chaotic Cat said...

Geeez lemmi know if I ever make the grade ... i would love to be part of your stablez :) You are far fairer than the Queenz that live in this house.

Renee said...

Whew! I was so worried that there would be ugliness with this whole incident.
I'm glad to hear that Miles accepts these terms... waiting with baited breath to hear if Kukka has accepted Miles back into her love nest.

local girl said...

I'm so glad that Miles accepted these terms. He's such a cutie (I'm not hitting on him, now!).

And that crack about Paula made me spit out my coffee. Thanks. *going to get a towel to clean the computer*

Zeus said...

I think I need a rather large acronym to help me remember all of these bleeping rules. Since when do we have rules?

GAWD.

Is there an abridged version?

Wait. I think I got it.

The Abridged Version of Said TSM By-Laws:

Don't get another bleepity-bleeping mistress!

Beau Beau & Angie said...

A board of directors that did somefin right? Hmmmmm. We haf to re-read this. This is a most interesting event.

Cheysuli said...

I'm relieved to hear that things have worked out for you and Miles. I was quite worried there.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Thank goodness THAT brouhaha is off the table. I cannot believe that you didn't cast Miles out of the stable forever. You are furry kind-hearted, Empress.
DMM

Samantha said...

Kukka oh Kukka, I feel like singing you a song!! I havent been to your blog in long time! I took a blogging hiatus, but I'm back in action now :) *hugs*

Hot(M)BC said...

Kukka, Sanjee asked me to pass this note to you cuz she was scared she'd break some bylaw.

.....
Dear Empress Kukka,
Yoo's a big-time, famous, sooper-sexy Empress and I culd nefur compete wif yoo. I's just a lil queen of one lil house. An Mile always saided he luvs his Empress the mostest cuz she's the bestest Empress in the hole wide wurld. He din't unnerstand (cuz he's yung) that yoo could haf ofur tomcats but he wasn't sposed to haf anofur girlfriend efun if it was a not-famous, not-sooper-sexy one that culdn't compete wif yoo. I's just a lil girlfriendcat and yoo's always his Empress. I's furry glad yore Board gotted mended bylaws cuz Miles woulda been so so furry unhappy. I won't efur disrespekt yoo cuz yoo's the gratest, mos wunnerful Empress and plus yoo makes Miles furry furry happy. I's just glad I can make him a lil happy too when he's not wif his sooper Empress.
Respekful purrs,
Sanjee
..........

There, I think I got that right. Now Mom, where's my TREATS???
Purrrrs,
Mini

DaisyMae Maus said...

Kukka-Maria:
Speakin' of the Tomcat Stable ... You've gotta drop by and check this out ...

http://daisymaemaus.blogspot.com/2007/02/desperate-measures.html

DMM

Pink Chihuahua Princess said...

Kukka, we puppies answered your question on Mommy's blog.

Carmen said...

I think those rules are fair. :) Though why anyone would want anyone other than you would boggle my mind.