Each and every weekend, my Agent, the whore, joins her friends at her favorite local watering-hole to engage, on our behalf, in what she calls a "Daddy Hunt."
Apparently, she thinks we need a man in our lives (her life, mostly). It's clear what she's looking for in a man, but it doesn't appear she's considering what I need in a father.
To help her narrow the Daddy Demographic, may I present:
a Sufficient Human Father for an Empress.
- MUST HAVE a genuine affection for cats (not just lip-service to get in my Agent's pants) and no cat allergies! This is one my Agent seems to consistently disregard, claiming a little convincing and Claritin can effectively bridge the gap.
- MUST HAVE no qualms about sharing the passenger side of the bed with moi (read: sleeping around me), as my seniority and super-sexiness will obviously trump his physical size and strength.
- MUST HAVE the time, commitment, and desire to accompany Brach to his Tomcat Scout meetings and help him make his pine box derby car for his Making Stupid Shit Badge. My Agents sucks at wood-work.
- MUST HAVE a large and powerful frame to act as a barrier between me and the rabid paparazzi. A black-belt in a martial art is a plus.
- MUST HAVE a wardrobe that matches my fur so I don't have to hear another human in the house bitch and moan about my shedding.
- MUST HAVE "careless" fingers that "accidentally" drop food on the floor so I don't have to beg or try to steal dinner directly from his plate.
- MUST HAVE an attractive car that accentuates my super-sexiness when I travel to red-carpet events (or *choke* to the vet).
- MUST HAVE a six-pack. Not solid abs...a six pack of beer at all times. I likey my ale!
- MUST HAVE large, strong, beefy thighs of steel to adequately cradle my ample frame on the couch each evening...all evening...without a single whine or complaint.
- MUST HAVE considerably colossal hands (preferably a tad calloused for my pleasure) that can cover large areas of my fur as he pets me non-stop...all evening...while I'm cradled on his lap.
- MUST HAVE a steadfast commitment to putting the toilet seat down so Brach, that filthy little boy, can't drink from the bowl.
- MUST HAVE strong forearms with which to hoist the massive clumps of my business from the litter box. Also, must recognize the box should be scooped far earlier than when you can smell it from the other room (make a note, Agent).
- MUST HAVE the ginormous, brass balls required to rebel against my Agent and give us treats when she denies us. Stones of steel also acceptable.
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