As you may recall, I was nominated for a Share the Love Blog Award last week. As you may or may not know by now, I did not (no, that was not a typo) make the top five in my category: "Best Humor."
While I am thrilled that one of my Tomcat Stable members, Zeus, did make the top five in his category (and should be voted for as soon as you finish logging in your daily 5 hours at my blog), I can't help but feel a little like Leo DiCaprio when he was snubbed during award season (circa: Titanic). But then again, look at Leo this year. There's hope for me yet.
To help explain the fact my name is alarmingly absent from the top-five-in-no-particular-order list, may I present:
Blog Just Didn't Cut the Cheese.
[Editor's Note: I think she means, "Make the Cut."]
- Like Kukka, most of the voters prefer spelling "HUMOR" as God (and the British monarchy) intended it: HUMOUR. When they saw the category "BEST HUMOR," sans "U," they got confused and voted for the wrong site.
- There was a nasty and vindictive smear campaign, led by The Christian Right Canine Coalition, which mistakenly had people believing that a vote for my CAT blog was a vote to promote pornographic PUSSY.
- People claimed to be disgusted at my constant references to the "bestiality" I affectionately refer to as my tender and unrestricted love affair with Brad Pitt. "Disgusted?" Try jealous...
- There were countless questions about my "alleged" porn star career. I was young. I was new to show business. Don't judge me. And I would hardly call myself a porn star. I was more of a porn extra.
- I heard Tom Jones was a poll-worker for the survey and, remembering how I upstaged him in a duet last year, threw out the majority of my votes. Boo, Tom Jones...Boo.
- With all the posts (and comments, thankyouverymuch) about my super-sexy multiple nipples, people believed it was a pay-to-play porn site, so they never came to check it out. People. You should know by now that I consider bringing my multiple nipples to the masses (free of freakin' charge) my life's mission. "Let no man, nor beast, be cast away from Kukka-Maria's voluptuous teats because of fiscal inferiority!"
- There were a myriad of sites posting concerns that if I were to make the top five, the gravitational pull from the sudden inflation of my ego could accelerate Global Warming, change the oceanic tides and spark Armageddon. Sudden inflation of my ego? My ego has been gradually and consistently growing for years. Plus, isn't this "Global Warming" thing just a myth? Sort of like Oprah's "engagement" to Stedman?
- It was rumored that the five finalists were going to face off in a fierce dance-off where it would be no surprise I would dominate. The other nominees, completely intimidated, begged to keep me out of the top five. You may have gotten your way this time, nominees, but I hope we don't meet in a back alley where there is a DJ, thumping house music and a glit...ter...ball...
- A lot of my co-nominees were funny mommies telling pee-in-your-pants stories of their hilarious kids. I was surgically altered, as a kitten, and am unable to produce a litter. Not one kitten. The horrific taunts from the other nominees still echo in my head when I close my eyes. "Kukka can't have baaaaabies...Kukka can't have baaaaabies!" Sure. Kick a barren bitch when she's down.
- Kukka frequently uses filthy and offensive words and phrases, like: OPRAH, STAR JONES-REYNOLDS, and EMPTY FUCKING FOOD BOWL.
- I'm already viewed as a "Triple-Threat," due to my noted success in film, music, and all-around super-sexiness. Adding a nod in literature would just be a superfluous honor.
- My polyamorous approach to dating (ref: My Tomcat Stable) is considered an "alternative lifestyle" and people are threatened by that. For the record, I am monogamous with each and every one of those sexy toms!
- The "Share the Love Blog Award" wasn't that into me. He just should have been upfront about his intentions from the beginning and called himself the "I Just Don't Like You Like That Award."
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!