Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Dearest Slave Driver (a.k.a. "Agent," if that is your real name),

Based on your constant cries of "We really need to talk about this, Kukka...," it is clear you are aware of my blogging strike. Good. While I would like to converse in person with you on this subject, I have been advised by my attorneys and my Blogger Union, Local 657, to deliver all strike-related communication to you through written documentation. Since you don't seem to be taking my Post-Its on the bathroom mirror seriously, you have forced our private negotiations into a public forum.

So be it.

Despite the fact I enjoy blogging and the intoxicating fame that accompanies it, I do have some basic needs that are not being met at this time. I don't feel I should have to list them, as you have been my maid-servant for 7.5 years and catering to my every whim should be second-nature to you by now, but it is becoming alarmingly clear you are not self-directed and require extensive supervision.

Please be advised of the following demands:

  1. One evening with Josh Duhamel. That's all I will require to make him fall in love with me. Eff Fergie! I'm the the KKALICIOUS!

  2. My litterbox scooped within 5 minutes of any deposit (2 minutes, if the deposit comes from Brach's body). Not only is my pretty pink nose sensitive to the pungent piles of poo, surfing turds is murder on my mani/pedi. If you are unable to satisfy this requirement yourself (because you claim to have a "job" or something), I expect you to contract it out. I know this is going to sound speciest of me, but skunks are cheap labor. Think about it.

  3. My Swarovski Crystal g-string back. I know you took it, bitch!

  4. Mani/pedis every other week, at minimum. I'm not talking about you tricking me on your lap and merely trimming my claws; I want the full-monty. The soak, the massage, the moisturizer, the buff and the french manicure...I deserve all of it!

  5. A signed and notarized letter from Oprah, claiming I am the most powerful female in show business the world! You might have to get your hands on some paparazzi candids of her after a bender at a titty bar for blackmail, but it's doable.

  6. More treats--and the good kind! I'm reading all over this cat blogosphere that others are fed Temptations and Whisker Lickin's. I'm onto you, bitch. You buy cheap cat food and think you've tricked us into believing, because it tastes different than our food, it's a treat. Well, don't break your arm patting yourself on the back for that one; the joke is on you! That cheap food is what makes makes me fart on, around and near you every night! Good treats. More often.

  7. A shock collar for Brach. Don't judge me. I get bored!

  8. Admit the bed you call your own is actually mine. Verbally admit it. Physically admit it. When you sleep at night, I want it to be clear that you are a guest in my crib. When I am zonked in the middle of the bed, impeding your sleeping experience, I AM NOT TO BE MOVED AN INCH! Curl around me or go sleep in the spare bedroom. The choice is yours.

  9. Something soft and fuzzy from bebe that accentuates my multiple nipples. This level of foxiness doesn't just happen on its own...

  10. A life-sized poster of Star Jones-Reynolds eating fried chicken and ice cream. Shouldn't be too hard to acquire.

  11. You must work one day as a Wal-Mart greeter. You made me do it; it's only fair.

  12. An IV bag of Grey Goose for those mornings when I need a hair off the d-word that bit me. Shut it. I do not have a problem with alcohol!

  13. The head of Angelina Jolie. He was mine first; he'll be mine last. That Lara Croft bitch is on notice!

I reserve the right to add to this list as further issues arise. I expect you to review this list, in full, and submit a strategic proposal for addressing each need.

Your prompt response is not only appreciated, it's required. Please do not force me to picket or, GAWD FORBID, hold a press conference during which, amidst very audible farts, I reveal all the filthy things you do when you think you're alone.

The choice is yours.
The Empress


Anonymous said...

Sounds reasonable to us. Especially the cleaning out of the litter box.

Renee said...

that all sounds reasonable to me too. I wouldn't mind seeing the head of Angelina on a platter either. Don't know what anyone sees in her. Jennifer is much better looking.

DK & The Fluffies said...

Sounds like all of your requests are quite reasonable... I'm waiting to hear what the agent says.

I am quite surprised you didn't include unsupervised alone time with the Tomcat stable...

Victor Tabbycat said...

2, 6, and 8 I unnerstand. I's not sure bout the rest. I's a simple kitty an don't pay much attention to celebrities, just my grumpy sisfur.

Temptations ARE the bestest an they're furry good fur yur complex... complect... skin.

Teena said...

Wow! That's quite a list. Is it all or nothing??!!

Sparky Duck said...

is that union backing Edwards or Hillary?

DaisyMae Maus said...

You deserve it all, Empress ... Especially Josh Duhamel! I don't know what he sees in Fergie anyway ... She's far too trashy and not nearly 1/4th the lady you are. Your agent needs to get on the ball and met your NEEDS!

Cheysuli said...

If she does contract out the litterbox thing, make her send the Woman information on where she found this. I find even the automatic litterbox isn't quite as efficient as the 5 minutes--that waits a full 10!

The Meezers said...

those is all purrfektly reasonable demands. i doesn't see why they can't be met.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Entirely reasonable demands, my dear, and if your Agent truly cares and tries hard enough you should be back blogging within hours! I mean, it's not like you asked for a European vacation or something she can't afford!


Karen Jo said...

That's quite a list. I hope you get them, especially the litterbox and Temptations ones.