Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Calling in Sick, Part 2.

"Hello?"

"Um...Agent?"

"Yes, Empress..."

"I'm not going to be able to blog today."

"No? [Picking at fingernails] And why is that?"

"An account of I'm sick."


[Awkward pause]


"You're sick..."

"Yes. I have morning sickness."

[Mumbling to self] "Let's call it what it is...hung over."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. So, morning sickness? You think you're pregnant?!"

"I know I am."

"Reeeeeeeally! Look, I hate to be the one to tell you this, Empress, but you're not pregnant. It's impossible!"

[Chuckling nervously] "Well, I wouldn't call it 'impossible,' Agent. I've been getting all the sex something fierce recently."

"Oh, I don't debate that, [whispers under breath] hooker."


[Silence.]


"What did you just call me?!"

"I said 'you're so good looking!'"

"That's what I thought you said!"

"Listen, Kukka, you can't have morning sickness. You can't be pregnant. I have a receipt here from the vet and, how can I put this delicately...your lady business was ripped out as a kitten and thrown in the garbage, leaving you barren and unable to procreate and experience the bliss of motherhood."


[Silence.]


"So, you're saying..."

"I'm saying your reproductive region is desolate, fruitless...you will never have kittens."


[Silence.]


"So, you're saying I can whore it up without the risk of getting knocked up?"

"That's not exactly what I was..."

"I can knock boots and bang the screen door all night long without worrying about consequences?"

"Well, in all fairness, Kukka. Having no reproductive organs is only going to keep you from becoming pregnant. You should always use a form of barrier protection to keep you from contracting diseases. Have safer sex is a very importa..."

[Licking her paw and rubbing it against her face repeatedly] "Gotta go. Don't wait up."

12 comments:

The Meezers said...

which Tomcat has Wednesdays? I know i has Thursdays.

Cheysuli said...

You really ought to at least get the HPV vaccine. I realize that there is the speculation that girls who get that vaccine will go out and run around having tons of sex just because they know it won't lead to cervical cancer. But that doesn't describe you at all so I think you can handle the vaccine.

Renee said...

cheysuli: She doesn't have a cervix to get cancer on...in fact spade female animals get less cancer than non spade ones. And the results on the effectiveness of the HPV vaccine aren't in yet.

Kukka...really you should listen to Agent about the safe sex thing. But my mom didn't listen either after she was fixed.

Fuzzybear said...

Kukka,

Ever want to really screw with your Agent. Want to prove her wrong? How about waving the test strip with the positive pregnancy result under her nose! Doctors recently have been able to do uterus transplants. The procedure allows the patient to have a uterus just long enough to produce that heir to the throne and then its removed avoiding the need to take anti-rejection drugs for a lifetime.

A little procedure for the female parts, another to artificially inseminate you and 63-69 days later, kittens! Being the empress, you would have to get a milk mother to feed the babies, you and your nipples are way to busy and important to take that abuse. Oh and lets not forget a good Au Pair to raise your brats err kittens. Just think off all the attention, the photo shoots of Kukka and family. You can have all of this and prove your agent wrong. Would that not be a glorious day?

Think of the future, you and Princess Kukkie swilling gin together and sharing your Tomcat stable. Prince Kukkoo rejecting your love and moving in with Montecore who is finally over Roy and looking for a new boy toy. Let us not forget about Prince Kukkus who despite the vets suggestion was never neutered and who becomes the subject of palimony cases from Jakarta to Kalamazoo. Kukka dear you would make the purfect mother.

Sadie said...

"I've been getting all the sex something fierce recently."

*snort*

Zeus said...

I was going to comment, but after reading fuzzybear's comment, I have NO comment.

Nether regions AHOY!

Kim said...

Ditto what Zues said, was going to comment but, uh, well, er, Fuzzbear said it all! LOL! Love it, love!

Teena said...

Frisky little thing, aren't you??!! :)

Sparky Duck said...

I think Fuzzy is gonna get some new readers

Carmen said...

Man Kukka, I need to have some of your cast offs, if you're getting it THAT much. Geesh. Share the love! (wait, that didn't sound right)

K T Cat said...

...and in the sequel, we discover that Kukka has been involved in wild orgies at the palatial estate of Jacques Chirac involving superb French champagne and those little feather teasers on the ends of sticks...

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