Tuesday, March 27, 2007

"Dear Kukka...", Volume XVII

Well, I had to get a stronger prescription for my eye glasses this week due to the staggering volume of mail I receive each day from my fans. I know what you're thinking: "Why not get contact lenses? You are too beautiful to wear those clunky specs!" Indeed, I am! A stellar suggestion as that is, consider this: Would you want to have a cat claw that close to your eye as you installed them every morning? I rest my case.

You know, I owe you some honesty. I don't read your letters, I have people (my Agent) who take care of that mundane task. The reason I had to get a stronger prescription is that I sit up all night, every night, sitting dangerously close to the TV, watching reruns of "The Golden Girls." I can't get enough of those old broads! Rose and her "St. Olaf" wisdom, Sofia and her sharp tongue, Dorothy and her huge shoulder pads, and good ol' Blanche--the whore. Are they even still alive?

But, I digress.

Here are some of the most recent letters I've received.

Q: Kukka, do you ever secretly wonder if Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Oprah read your blog? What do you think Tom and Oprah feel when they read the harsh things you tend to write about them?

A: You are so sweet for asking! OF COURSE they read my blog! Brad doesn't miss a post, in fact he sometimes comments as "Anonymous." While, sadly, we no longer date, he still adores me and expresses interest in all my creative endeavors. That reminds me. I have yet to see that "Babel" movie he was in. I'll have to put it on my Netflix queue and sleep through it soon! As for Mr. Crazy Cruise and The Winfrey? I don't give two shits. Tom is probably too consumed with his Scientological endeavors (including, but not limited to: Auditing his thetan for engrams and implants, and brainwashing his child-bride) to read my blog. I know Oprah reads! She is constantly IMing me, asking to reprint my posts in O Magazine. I am insulted. She offers that food hussy, Rachael Ray, her own mag and not me? I fart in her general direction.

Q: The NASCAR season is in full-swing, Empress! You were the "Gentlemen...Start your engines" girl last year at Talladega. Will we see you there again this year? If so, can I buy you some Old Milwaukee beers?

A: I will do nothing more with NASCAR! First, after last year's race at Talladega, I came home smelling like exhaust and cigarette smoke. It took me 4 days to lick the stench off of me. Secondly, I had the shits for a week because of all the fried foods I was fed. For the record: Royal felines are not meant to eat corn dogs. Thirdly, the whole ordeal was boring. I am too intelligent to sit and watch cars go in an oval for hours on end. Finally, growing another mullet would be impractical, time consuming and too labor-intensive. While I looked incredibly foxy, I found myself tripping over the hair and having to deal with annoying questions from fans, including: "Kukka! What kind of conditioner do you use?" It was also a challenge to keep the business-in-the-front separate from the party-in-the-back.

Q: Empress Kukka-Maria, how do you choose the letters to which you respond? I've written you every day for the last year and have never seen my letters included in your many "Dear Kukka..." posts. Please! Tell me what is wrong with me!

A: First things first: Congratulations on finally being printed and a huge thank-you for honoring the restraining order! While I can still see you as you camp out at the house across the road with your telephoto lens, you have learned what 200 feet looks like and seem to be honoring it. My system for choosing letters is simple. I tell my Agent what wisdom I wish to impart on my fans and she chooses letters that allow me to do that. Simple.

Q: You have such an impressive Tomcat Stable AND we recently learned Brach is actually your HUSBAND! How can a moderately sexy person like me attract and keep a super-sexy mate?

Wow. I don't even know how you can even survive being only "moderately sexy!" How does that even work? I have been freakishly beautiful from birth, so I can not identify. I guess the first thing you might consider is working on your appearance: Hit the gym, get your fur did, consider getting complete facial reconstruction...you get what I'm saying, right? That might net you a man, but I make no guarantees. Once you have him, know what he likes and do it. Brach, for example, loves it when I get muffin mix on my neck from sticking my head in the bowl and licking. Later, in the evening, when I have crusty batter in my neck fur, he enjoys licking it off. Plus, I have to admit, the act of applying the mix is delightful for me, albeit dangerous, as my Agent tends to swat me and curse a little. One other thing you might try, although considered "whorish" by some, is to lie on your back and expose your multiple nipples. If you are not a cat and have only one pair, I suggest you buy some silicone nipples to supplement. Oh, yes...I'm linking to a place where you can actually buy them! YOU'RE WELCOME!

Q: The tropical fish in our aquarium stare at me all day long, Kukka. Other than submerging myself in the tank to unleash a world of hurt on them, what are my options to establish my position as the alpha-pet in the house?

A: You have several options to establish your dominance with the stupid fish. First, master the art of "The Ol' Stink Eye." This involves glaring at them until they break eye-contact in fear of your wrath. Another option is to knock over their food flakes. If they do not have sustenance, it is just a matter of time before they start floating belly-up. Another option might be unplugging the tank. I'm not sure if oxygen being pumped in the aquarium is necessary for their survival, but it can't hurt your chances. Finally--and this one is a tricky because it requires having perfect balance, hover over the tank and piss. Good luck to you!

You know you want to know more about me, so keep those letters coming!

Read more of my mail in my "Dear Kukka..." Archive!


The Meezers said...

Dear Kukka - fank you for a answering my letter! I has some cute pikshurs on my blog for you today!! - Poosie

Karen Jo said...

You really get some interesting mail. I especially liked the one about dominating the fishies.

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

I see you did the NASCAR thing incognito, no doubt in an attempt to escape the papparazzi. Impossible for you, my dear. Your beauty cannot be hidden beneath a blond mullet wig.


Renee said...

Hey Kukka, maybe you could decorate your glasses with those fingernail stickers like Darly did.

DaisyMae Maus said...

NASCAR? NASCAR?!? What were you thinking? Ugh. The whole chain-smokin', fried-food eatin', mullet-wearin', drivin'-round-in-circles thing just reeks with a blue-collar stench that is so BENEATH one of your majesty.

Kukka, Kukka, Kukka ... You must learn to say NO when the unwashed masses yearn for your presence ... Let them worship from afar.

Kim and Oscar said...

Ditto to Daisymae Maus comment! She said it best!

William said...

Mmmmm, muffin mix...!

Cheysuli said...

Ah Kukka, I am once again astounded by your wisdom.

Carmen said...

your mullet was, indeed, super sexy. :)

NOLADawn said...

You are one great muffin mix stealing, mullet wearing, tom cat owning Empress!

Zeus said...

Wipes tears from his eyes while sniffling and choking:

I hate you...Brach! I hate you!

Why did you lie to me, Kukka? Why?

The shame! The shame...


I would have licked the batter off of you every day had you but asked for it, but now, I will lick only myself.

Lady Jane Scarlett said...

Kukka, Your mullett is making your fine self look even more super-sexy. How is that possible!?!?