I finally buckled. Dr. Phil has been riding my ass about appearing on his show for months now and, until recently, I resisted. His producers said it would be a feature about my celebrity, my social influences, and my super-sexiness.
I won't make you wait until the show airs...if it airs. Instead I would like to share the UNEDITED transcript with you now:
[Announcer: Today, on Dr. Phil...Empress Kukka-Maria stops in to discuss her celebrity life while Dr. Phil dissects her dysfunctional behavior and challenges her to address her issues. Also, how will Kukka react when we present some surprise visitors? Watch it all today...on Dr. Phil!]
Dr. Phil: Welcome everyone! Today we have Kukka-Maria, celebrity feline and famous blogger. Kukka, we are pleased to have you.
Kukka-Maria: Please...call me Her Royal Highness Kukka-Maria, Empress of Super-Sexiness.
DP: I will do no such thing! This is a good lead-in to one of the things I would like to discuss with you. Why the diva attitude? Why the air of entitlement?
KM: I know nothing of which you speak, sir.
DP: Come on, cat! You walk around here like your poop don't stink and you expect everyone to cater to you! Why, my producers told me you threw an awful hissy fit backstage when you learned you didn't have a private dressing room...and you threw the treats we provided you all over the green room! That is not selfish and inconsiderate behavior?
KM: What was I supposed to do? I require Temptation treats. My body is a temple. You were trying to defile my temple with cheap shit. Besides, Phil, who are you kidding with your faux humility? You went Hollywood the minute Winfrey first uttered your name!
DP: You keep The Oprah out of this! How dare you desecrate The Oprah's name. She is a goddess!
[Kukka yawns dramatically]
DP: Damn it! Someone needs a britches adjustment! Let's take a look at the footage our producers took of you, in your home, over the last few weeks.
[Footage rolls. Scene 1: Kukka bites Brach on the ear and shoulder to bully him out of his warm sleeping spot on the back of the couch. Scene 2: Kukka paws incessantly at her Agent's arm, begging for a solid petting, during which she bites her Agent's hand because she's not stroking her belly in a satisfactory manner. Scene 3: Kukka whines for treats the minute her Agent comes in the door from work and does not stop until she receives snacks.]
DP: There you have it, gang: The spoiled Empress in her natural environment. What do you say to that, Kukka?
[Kukka farts audibly and rolls onto her back, vamping for the camera]
DP: Well let's see what Brach has to say about all of this! Brach is Kukka's housemate. He's been referred to as her "brother" and, recently, rumors have swirled that he may, in fact, be her husband. Let's hear what he has to say! Welcome Brach!
Brach: [Looks nervously at Dr. Phil, Kukka and to the audience] Hi.
DP: Brach, level with me here. You witness Kukka's attitude day in and day out. How terrible is it for you to endure that treatment?
B: [Throws a glance at a glaring Kukka] I don't mind it.
DP: BRACH! Please! You told our producers [Looking at note cards in his hand] "I am often terrified by her behavior. I've learned to sleep with one eye open because she hunts me at night." Did you not say that, Brach? Are you telling me you didn't say that?
B: I...I don't...
DP: What is the nature of your relationship with Kukka? Are you siblings? Are you married? In order to help you, I need to know what we're dealing with here.
[Brach looks, wide-eyed, at Kukka]
KM: Tell him. I don't care.
B: We are married. When Kukka's blogging career took off, we had just gotten married in Vegas. Kukka felt it was best that we maintain a sibling relationship in the press. She was worried I would...how did she put it..."cockblock" her.
[Kukka starts nervously plucking at her chair with her claws]
DP: And it doesn't bother you that you are put on the back burner for her career? And what about the fact she has a stable of tomcat boyfriends? You don't feel you deserve more than that? Son, where is your self-esteem?!
B: I...I don't...you're misrepresenting things, Dr. Phil! Every night, as she falls asleep, I sing "our song" to her: "Did I ever tell you you're my heeeeeero? And everything I would like to beeeeeee. I can fly higher than an eeeeeeeeeeeeagle, 'cause Kukka is the wind beneath my wiiiiiiiings."
KM: He has no fucking backbone, Dr. Phil.
DP: Kukka-Maria! I'll thank you not to use that language on my stage. This brings up my next point: What is with the foul language? You know, Kukka, some would say that cursing makes you sound unintelligent...
KM: And, Dr. Phil, some would say the same thing about speaking with a southern accent...
DP: Why, you little SHIT!
[Kukka scratches Phil's chair enthusiastically]
DP: Well, let's see what you think of our next surprise guest! The Oprah! Are you on the telephone with us, Your Majesty?
Oprah on Phone: I am! Can you hear me now? Oh, I'm just kidding. I never have issues with cell phone reception; I've commissioned a cell phone tower in my own image that follows me wherever I go on a solid gold trailer. That's how I roll! [Laughs maniacally] Why am I here, Phil? Why am I on the phone?
DP: I know you've had a long-standing feud with my guest today, but I would love for you to give some honest and constructive feedback to Kukka-Maria.
OoP: What did you just say? Did you just say Kuk...OH NO YOU DI'INT!
DP: The Oprah...calm down! We're trying to help Kukka get a grip on her latent humility...
OoP: Now we have a feud, McGraw. [Hangs up]
DP: OMG. I've offended The Oprah! I'VE OFFENDED THE OPRAH! Robin! Come fetch me! You know I can't walk off the set by myself...especially not today! I am scheduled to die at the command of The Oprah!
It was what it was. Dr. Phil tried, but did not rattle The Kukka. But, as they say, there's no such thing as bad publicity!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some spousal abuse to unleash. That's the last time Brach double-crosses me! Wind beneath my wings, my ASS!