Monday, March 05, 2007

Drunken Text Msgs from The Empress

Another weekend of carousing. Another weekend of drunken text messages. To all who found themselves on the business-end of these texts, I apologize. Except to you, Star Jones-Reynolds. You are Satan's mistress.

Here is the log from Saturday night:


Mar 3, 11:03 pm
TO: Brad Pitt
"u r so sexxy. meetm e for a coktail. shhh don't tell anglinina."


Mar 3, 11:07 pm
TO: Brad Pitt
"r u coming 2 drink w me? i'l buy u a shot of tequillla & let u pet me til i purr. bring anglicina."


Mar 3, 11:12 pm
TO: Brad Pitt
"y r u ignoring me? all i want is 2 c u. i will not be ignerd."


Mar 3, 11:27 pm
FROM: Brad Pitt
"Kukka, I love u. I am busy 2nite. Call me 2morrow when ur sober. Angie says hi. Hugz."


Mar 3, 11:41 pm
TO: Tom Cruise
"this is xenu. i m picking u up in my space ship 2nite. b ready to go u crazy fuker."


Mar 3, 11:44 pm
FROM: Tom Cruise
"i am ready o great 1. use the servant's entrance to avoid paparazzi and evil engrams."


Mar 4, 12:07 am
TO: MC Skat Kat
"can aminated catz have sex? call me if u can."


Mar 4, 12:18 am
BROADCAST MSG TO: Tomcat Stable
"wanna date w me? i am furry drunk & feelin' frisky. Come get me boyz!"

[Editor's Note: The Tomcat Stable messages remain undelivered, as they don't seem to have cell phones.]


Mar 4, 12:55 am
TO: Star Jones-Reynolds
"let ur gay hubby no there r hot dudes here for he 2 have sex w. wait. ur a dude, right? nermind."


Mar 4, 1:06 am
TO: Oprah
"bitch."


Mar 4, 1:08 am
FROM: Oprah
"no ur a bitch."


Mar 4, 1:11 am
TO: Oprah
"ur a bitch, bich! ur dead 2 me."


Mar 4, 1:21 am [Editor's Note: After 2 more shots of tequila...]
TO: Oprah
"i so sorry, bich! ur a good bish. i m da bad 1. plz don't have me killed. i heart u."


Mar 4, 1:24 am
TO: Oprah
"did u get my msg? r we cool?"


Mar 4, 1:27 am
TO: Gayle King (Oprah's BFF and alleged lesbian lovah)
"have u hear from o? iz she made at me? i drunk. tell her no 2 b made."


Mar 4, 1:31 am
FROM: Gayle King
"she is incredible hulk mad. i m spooning w her now. she will 4give u in the morning. kisses!"


Mar 4, 1:37 am
TO: Bartender
"anothr rnd, por favor."


Mar 4, 1:48 am
TO: George Clooney
"do u wanna com over to my house 2nite? i am extra sper foxy and looking very fiiiiiine."


Mar 4, 1: 59 am
TO: George Clooney
"fine. fuk u then. i'll go home w man from bar who will b better than u anyway. dont call me. fcuker."


Mar 4, 2:10 am
FROM: George Clooney
"i luv u empress. just helping tom pack for scientology trip. Lucky effer got the big Xenu call! Talk 2 u 2morrow. Don't b a slut, KM!"


Mar 4, 2:14 am
TO: Bartender
"another round for me and my frends. plz."


Mar 4, 2:17 am
TO: Bartender
"whatdoyoumen last call was 25 min ago? Feck you!"


Mar 4, 2:21 am
TO: Agent
"plz send a limo. i chitfaced."



I think I'll go with the ol' drunk dial next time. At least there is no paper trail of shame.

13 comments:

The Meezers said...

Kukka- i admire your ability to press the tiny little buttons of your cell phone while drunk. That's a fabulous quality in an Empress. I'll get a cell phone if you want. Oh, and I only like it when YOU call me Poosie. - Miles

Renee said...

Kukka, hun...I really think it might be a good idea if you didn't get so drunk all the time. You seem to be just as funny when you're sober...unless you're never sober. Then forget what I just said and drink up kitty!

BTW: loved the email to Tom Cruise...he deserves to have his head messed with. And just think he was willing to leave his wife & kid for that xenu guy. what an idiot!

Furry Logic said...

Kukka, Kukka, Kukka, no paper trail! Hasn't your name been smeared in the tabloids enough!? Of course, it was all true but still!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

Kukka, I know this weekend took an emotional toll on all of us but, please, do try to pull yourself together, dear!

George

Zeus said...

$*#(!#*$!($*!)!)!

I can't BELIEVE I didn't get your text message until this afternoon! I'm so calling up Sprint right now and declaring them impotent! GAWD!

You finally drunk-text me, and I miss it!

$*!)(*$!@)#!)#(!)

Sadie said...

Kukka, you are so eloquent. I hope I get to party with you sometime.

Hot(M)BC said...

Wow Kukka. You passed out there. Did you lose your tiara at the bar? I don't see it in the photo.

Purrrrrrrs,
your bud Pepi

Renee said...

Hey Kukka... Darly & I know you aren't really drunk...you just play that on your blog...and I don't allow Darly to read your blog. I just show her the cute pictures of you & Brach.

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Damn, what the feck wuz George doing helping that crazy Tomkat pack! You'd think Katy "kate" would be more than happy to see that crazy go and help him pack in a snap. He duz have that girl brain washed, don't he?~Princess Ziporah

Dragonheart said...

Kukka, I am very impressed that you can text message! I guess I'm too young to understand most of your messages, but my mom is having a great time laughing! Humans can be so weird.

K T Cat said...

I just about fell out of my chair at spooning with the O.

That's got to be a pretty big spoon! :-)

William said...

My mom won't let me have a cell phone. I don't know why--she sure laughed a lot with how much fun you had with yours. Doesn't she want me to have fun, too?

Kim said...

Kukka, I've never visited your site before but will from now on! You are a TRIP! Loved your drunken rampage! BTW, my kitty's name is Oscar. He had fun reading your blog, too.