Thursday, March 15, 2007

Earn Your Keep, You Miserable Cat!

Dearest Empress,

I've read your demands and am horrified to learn of your drug use! YOU MUST BE MOTHER-EFFING HIGH IF YOU THINK YOU CAN NOT BE REPLACED IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!

To be fair, I would like to address each of your concerns:

  1. I've phoned Josh Duhamel. His people regret to inform you Mr. Duhamel has no idea who you are and, moreover, is severely allergic to cats. Apparently, at the mere mention of your name, he begins retching. On a positive note, Fergie sends her "T...T...T...TASTY...TASTAAAAY" regards.

  2. I'll start scooping promptly the very same day you stop flicking litter out of the box and onto the floor. "Surfing turds" is probably the most exercise you get during the day, so quit your bitching.

  3. For the last time, I do not have your Swarovski Crystal g-string! Why would I steal that from you? It wouldn't even fit me...because my ass is far smaller than yours!

  4. I gauge your need for a basic, run-of-the-mill mani/pedi based on the scratches you leave on my arms as you paw me for attention. I don't intend to change my claw-assessing methods, nor the quality of your nail trimmings. I might consider giving you a french manicure...if you were to commit to a life of carpet-plucking abstinence. I'm not holding my breath.

  5. I did make every attempt to get the notarized letter from Oprah claiming you are the most powerful female in the world. I am now forbidden from getting within 200 yards of the bitch. Thanks.

  6. You will eat the treats I give you and you will like them, young lady! I celebrate the fact I give you cheap cat food as treats! It's cheap. It's healthier. Other cats may get premium treats, but other cats probably get one or two nuggets...once per day! One more word about it, and you can enjoy being snackless, altogether! I have no trouble cutting you off completely. Test me. I dare you!

  7. I bought a shock collar, but it's in your size. It's the only one they had. Don't judge me. I get bored, too!

  8. My bed is mine. You are allowed to sleep there out of the goodness of my heart. The day you launder your cat hair off the bedding is the day you can officially claim it. Until then, if I move, you adjust. It's really that simple. And while we're on the subject, the next time there is someone in the passenger side of the bed, you are invited expected to hit the bricks. Any "heavy petting" going on will have absolutely nothing to do with you.

  9. You don't need anything from bebe to accentuate your multiple nipples. They freely flop to and fro as you lumber across the room; I am sure people can't help but notice them already. [On a side note: How incredibly funny is it that bebe is calling their line of spring shorts "super-sexy?" This is a scrumptious nugget of silly for those faithful readers...]

  10. I WAS able to get the life-sized poster of Star Jones-Reynolds eating fried chicken and ice cream...only because they were giving them away at the gas station.

  11. I applied as a Wal-Mart greeter, on your insistence, but when they saw you listed as a personal reference, I was promptly asked to leave. Burn bridges much?

  12. The kind folks at Grey Goose Vodka have asked that you refrain from using their product exclusively. They are concerned you are degrading their image as the official vodka of "responsible drinkers."

  13. I can not promise you the head of Angelina. I'm a lover, not a fighter. However, I can promise that if, for some reason, I am presented with her severed head, I will pay to have her lips surgically installed on your mouth. It will do wonders for your foxiness level.

If you are not satisfied with my efforts to stroke your fragile ego, you can suck it. You think you're special, Kukka, but I am here to let you know there are a squillion beings who can blog in your place! I've been approached by every B-List "celebrity" who has appeared on VH-1's "The Surreal Life." Vanilla Ice has already submitted three posts for consideration; he's practically begging for his 16th minute of fame!

And don't underestimate Brach's blogging power. He is prepared to blog at the drop of a hat and, let's be honest, the public has been demanding more of him lately.

Suck it, Kukka!
Your Agent


The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, fings are not looking good there. I would still hold out for your demands. And I'll come ofurr wif some tem-tay-shuns too. - Miles

Anonymous said...

Tsk, tsk, Kukka. Looks like you pushed it a little too far.

Blog- on Brach!

Furry Logic said...

Yikes! Those are strong words, Kukka!

Sparky Duck said...

Thats right agent, exercise your power as "The Man"

Though I want to hear more about this heavy petting

Renee said...

hummm Kukka, things aren't looking so good for this strike...perhaps you should look into different demands.

And since Josh is allergic to won't mind sharing him with the rest of us...right? Hey, if you let Agent have him, you might get to see him on the passenger side of the bed.

Victor Tabbycat said...

How can icky-tastin cheap cat food be healthier than Temptations? Um... I was goin to say sumfing else, but can't fink of anyfing but that.

Anonymous said...

Looks like you went one toke over the line (again) sweet Kukka. Got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em. Can I get an amen, somebody?

Renee said...

re: supermodel... gotta wait for the glasses to come in.

Carmen said...

It's the ultimate Kukka vs. Agent mega fight! But Kukka, strike negotiations are always tough. Stay strong. Solidarity sistah!

George, Tipper, Max & Misty said...

I think two intelligent, reasonable individuals (well, at least YOU are Kukka) should be able to agree on a settlement. I seems your Agent has met some of your demands and perhaps you could modify the rest and arrive at a compromise?

By the way, Misty needs your help!


Furry Logic said...

We are waiting with bait breath for Kukka's response.

Cheysuli said...

You know Kukka, I hate to say this but I'm beginning to see a family resemblence between you and your agent. Lay off the Grey Goose. You've been teaching her to be a cat!!!!

brandywine said...

That pic of Star Jones rocks! Is that from the Annie Leibowitz book? Is Brach locked in the panic room this whole time?

Eric and Flynn said...

This isn't looking so good Kukka. Your agent sounds pretty mad with you.

NOLADawn said...

You know that Angelina biotch lives here now, maybe we can arrange something. Are you sure you want to raise all those brats of hers though?