**UPDATE: This is not a resignation letter. I am not shutting down my blog. This is just a "Dear John..." letter to those CRAZY cat ladies (with an extra dose of "crazy") toting their laptops and negativity around the blogosphere.
82% of the cat blogging community will not find themselves reflected in this letter. [Editor's Note: These figures are not based on actual data.] I am just inviting the other 18% to join me in being honest about our relationship and to remove my link from their cat blogrolls, as I no longer identify myself with them.**
Dear Crazy Cat Bloggers,
We need to talk.
We've been together for over a year. We've had laughter; we've had tears. I've scratched your belly; you've scratched mine. Over all, we've had an eventful relationship for which I will always be grateful.
Having said that, I am breaking up with you.
Stop crying! Seriously. If you cry, then I will cry. Shit. This is going to be harder than I feared.
Listen, I think we have different ideas of what we are looking for from our blogging experiences. I am seeking laughter with a smidge of honesty and a healthy dash of fantasy, served on a silver platter of sanity. You seem to be looking for a vehicle that fosters your need to overly identify with your pet, strokes your seemingly fragile ego and provides ample opportunity to be both paranoid and judgmental.
See? Neither is right nor wrong...just different.
Remember our mutual friend, Mad Moses Kitty? When his parents sent him to live in the barn at their friends' farm because of his bladder issues, they were kind enough to create closure with an explanatory post--almost a year ago. I was touched by their honesty, their candor and vulnerability. Clearly, it was a tough and emotional decision that they did not approach lightly. Many other cat bloggers agreed with me and expressed their love and support for Moses' family.
You, on the other hand, condemned them, suggesting they were only thinking of themselves and not the well-being of their pet. I was embarrassed that you did this not only in their comments, but on your own blogs. It was difficult for me not to address you then, as I was very frustrated and angry with your behavior. Instead of offering you constructive criticism, I realized that just as Moses' family had a right to share what they wanted, you did too. And, if I didn't like what I was reading, I was free to not read it. Instead of telling you that I needed space, I just created it by not visiting your blogs and removing you from my links. I still secretly hoped, though, that you would still love me and visit me regularly. I wanted space, but I wasn't ready to make a clean break from you.
I am now.
This week, I was especially repulsed by your behavior. One of my illustrious Tomcat Stable members, Zeus, hosted a Mr. Litterbox Contest for sexy and talented tomcats. Meant to be an imaginative and entertaining break from reality, it wasn't long before you turned it into a back-biting and cut-throat competition.
I was turned off by the comments that introduced entire church congregations (numbering in the thousands) "voting" for a single cat. I became uneasy when the pencil-whipped family members came out of the woodwork to display their loyalty (conveniently through their own nominees' sign-ons). I was slightly nauseous when it appeared people were cutting/pasting/editing others' votes. I even threw up in my mouth a little bit at the first accusations of falsifying ballots and the whispered demands of a recount.
Crazy Cat Bloggers, it was a fake cat beauty contest. It was supposed to be fun! Zeus not only had a creative idea, he even offered to buy shit for you. With his own money! Which is limited, due primarily to the fact he lives in a human-crazed, speciest society that deems him virtually unemployable!
But that's another issue entirely.
When Mad Moses Kitty's reality was too real...you pissed on it. When Zeus' contest was too fantastic...you shat.
It is no secret we were strongly attracted to one another in the beginning and our relationship was mutually beneficial. I sent traffic your way; you sent readers mine. I think, as time has passed, our insurmountable differences have become undeniable. You identify too strongly with your cat. You think other humans care...no, are proud of you when your cat wins a fake online beauty contest. And, while I am fluent in Meow, this Meowglish hybrid language you over-use (and I lovingly refer to as "CatSpeak"), is so baffling at times, my head spins when I read your writing.
You've taken it over the top and I've come to know that I'm just not that into you. I like you, but I don't like you like that. It's not me; it's you. _____________________ (Insert appropriately apathetic break-up cliché here).
I think cat blogging is supposed to be creative, fun and satisfying. My goal is to write stuff I want to read and, if I'm lucky, find an audience that understands, supports and wants to read me, too. You seem to want to have everyones' creative outlet to look exactly like yours. I've realized that, while I am a super-sexy and very influential feline, I will never be able to change you. And you know what? I don't want to change you! I want you to find what you're looking for in this magical place we call "the internets." It just won't be with me, I'm afraid.
Crazy Cat Bloggers, when you talk of this with your friends...and I know you will...please be kind. Know that I loved you the best I knew how and that I never wanted to hurt you. I've learned a lot from you and I wish you well in your future blogging endeavors.
No hard feelings, huh?
[Editor's Note: Not all cat bloggers are crazy cat bloggers. Not all CatSpeak is annoying. Not all Mr. Litterbox voters were nuts.]