Officials say Menu Foods provides wet food for over 100 different brand names, such as Iams, Eukanuba, and Bob's Totally-Not-Poisonous Dog Chow. Brian Padeiro, lead investigator into the case, expressed great concern for the health of affected dogs. "Ten cats and dogs have died from kidney failure after eating the food and hundreds of others are gravely ill. While we are not naming names at this point, it is clear to us this is a heinous act of genocide. Someone wants these animals, primarily dogs, dead."
"Oh, I'm ready to name names," stated a source who requested his identity be concealed. "I know exactly who is behind this entire thing: Empress Kukka-Maria."
When pressed for reasons for this accusation, the source continued, "The connections between The Empress and this horrific plot to murder animals are countless! This crazy cat is looking to rid the planet of the canines she calls 'monsters' and is even willing to take out a few fellow cats to get the job done." To support his argument, the source outlined several points:
- Kukka-Maria hates most dogs. She has gone on record as calling them "foul creatures" who aren't fit to "lick the litter dust" from her paws.
- While Kukka has always claimed to neither speak, nor understand Canadian English, she has been linked to our neighbor-to-the-north regarding cosmetic surgery procedures not legal in the US and the acquisition of cheap prescription drugs.
- Tired of seeing her blog strike dragged through the tabloids, she was overheard as wishing for "a more scandalous and tragic story" that would bump her to page 4.
- She has, allegedly, been working on what she calls "The Dead Dog Manifesto," a detailed, secret run-down of her hatred for dogs and the strategies she intends to employ to eradicate the entire species.
- The drum of "meat-flavored poison" hidden in the spare bedroom closet.
Kukka-Maria was apprehended Saturday at The Post-Picket Extravaganza, a star-studded party to celebrate the resolution of her blog strike. In front of guests like Sting, Reese Witherspoon, Samuel L. Jackson, Adrian Brody and Barack Obama, a highly-intoxicated Kukka was wrestled to the ground by eleven officers cloaked in protective gear. "We don't really have the budget to purchase scratch-proof and puncture-resistant equipment. Fortunately, a local neighborhood crime-watch group donated twenty pair of elbow-length oven mitts so we could seize the suspect without harm. Other than a bit of pee on my uniform from a stray stream of cat urine, it was a pleasantly uneventful capture. Fortunately for us, The Empress has very little self-restraint; the fact she was pretty sedated from consuming staggering amounts of vodka worked in our favor."
When asked about their client's involvement in the potential poisoning of hundreds of animals, attorneys for Kukka-Maria were hopeful. "I'm going to be honest with you," said Banjo, feral alley cat and lead attorney on the case. "None of us are real lawyers! We are stray cats who eat out of the garbage cans. One afternoon, Kukka mistook an old grocery receipt as a copy of my law degree and retained me as her attorney. She pays well, so I never felt the need to correct her error."
When asked directly about the chances of The Empress being jailed for her alleged crime, Banjo replied, "Kukka is selfish. Kukka is a bit intense. But, Kukka is no murderer." Turning to the sound of someone meowing his name, Banjo excused himself. "Listen, Larry just found a partially empty tuna can at 819 Elm. I hate to cut this short, but I have to eat. Kukka won't spend a single day in jail for this. She is innocent!"
In a telephone interview shortly after her release on bail, The Empress was far less encouraged. "I've was in jail for 2 days and my attorneys are not returning my calls. My Agent has suggested they may have pawned the cell phones I bought them for the cash. [EXPLETIVE]ing alley cats!"
If you are unsure whether or not your pet has consumed tainted food or if you believe Kukka has a vendetta against your pet for any reason, please visit the Menu Foods recall page to find your food brand and then track by UPC code. This recall covers many different brand names, but is specific to moist food.
"We are desperate for community involvement in proving our key suspect's guilt or innocence," explained Inspector Padeiro. "Any witness statements offered in the comments section can help exonerate her or send her up the river for good."
While the motive and true source of the contamination has yet to be officially determined, the recall is serious. If you believe your pet has consumed infectious food, do not hesitate to seek veterinary assistance.
While out on bond, Empress Kukka-Maria maintains her innocence and vows to find and help prosecute the "real killer" she believes is responsible. "Just because she has dogs of her own, does not make her innocent," chuckled Kukka. "It's no secret Oprah Winfrey likes to kill animals and blame me. This isn't the first time I've faced off with that [EXPLETIVE]...and it won't be the last."
Kukka's involvement is purely speculation, but this recall is very real. Please visit the Menu Foods recall website to rule out the possibility that your pet is dining on toxic food.