Thursday, March 01, 2007

Sixteen Reasons I Gave Britney her Kids Back

Thursday Thirteen is officially kaputz, but I'm having a hard time quitting the lists.

In my final Thursday Thirteen last week, (what great fun Th13 was for the 23 weeks I participated), I listed the reasons I should sue for and gain custody of Britney Spears' kids.

Well, I had them a few days, and I'm giving them back. And here's why:

  1. Apparently, babies have neither the patience, nor the physical endurance to scratch my belly for the required 6 hours per day.

  2. Those kids take only one 2-hour nap in the afternoon, which means I'm supposed to stay up during the time I normally sleep my standard 12-16 hours?

  3. The little bastards were upstaging me with the paparazzi. I've heard my last "Ok, now one without the cat!"

  4. They kept falling from their designated sleeping spots...on the back of the couch.

  5. Bathing them with my tongue left their skin irritated and, subsequently, the taste of cortisone cream made me nauseous.

  6. Two words: Dirty Diapers.

  7. My plan to use Sean Preston and the other one to get "play dates" with Brad Shiloh Jolie-Pitt back-fired when Shiloh was dropped off and I actually had to entertain her!

  8. They are finicky eaters..."No like dry kibble!" "No like moist food!" Does Iams even make a food for spoiled brat humans?

  9. The boys kept petting me backward which really chapped my ass and placed them at the business-end of my one of my hissy fits!

  10. My sleep was constantly being interrupted by Sean Preston's night-terror screams of "Popozao!"


  12. I thought teaching them to curse in both English and Meow was cute, until I saw "Federline kid cusses out peer at McDonald's Playland under Kukka's care" on the E! news ticker.

  13. My bedtime stories of club-hopping, pill-popping and naked hot-tubbing gave them nightmares.

  14. Apparently, when they cry, you have to do stuff to make them stop?

  15. As a single, kittenless female, I used to consider "getting tail" a positive thing...with probing toddler hands around, it means I have to run.

  16. Who knew my breast milk had 8.7% alcohol content?


Renee said...

WOW! Your diet must have a really high alcohol content to put 8.7% in your breast milk. But that should have made the babies sleepy.

So who has them now? Social Services? Grandma?

DaisyMae Maus said...

I shudder to think of who might get those two now that you've given them back. Between the Spears-Federline brood and Baby Nicole Smith, CPS is gonna be mighty busy.

I know: Perhaps you could get Bono to throw together a benefit concert for some foster homes for the kiddies?


The Meezers said...

oh Kukka, this was the bestest list. I laffed and laffed. Sorry about the rubbing the wrong way and hafing no time for sleep. Mommy almost peed herslf finking about the babied on the back of the couch. that's where we sleep and sometiems fall off of. - Miles

Renee said...

Darly liked that part about the babies falling off the couch too.

William said...

"Does Iams even make a food for spoiled brat humans?" I think it's called dog food.

Teena said...

It was nice of you to take them ... even for a while.

TT13 is back. Mine's up.