Associated Press (AP): Empress Kukka-Maria's picket line was described as "nothing short of spectacular" by onlooking fans last evening. The protest, catered by Wolfgang Puck and resembling a swank A-list party, was riddled with celebrities and paparazzi, and was covered by most of the major hard-core news teams (Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight, and E! News Daily, among others).
"I think I just saw The Empress!" screamed a fan, from behind police barricades. Waving a homemade sign, reading, "DON'T STOP BLOGGING, KUKKA-MARIA! WE LOVE YOU," the rabid fan continued, "Oh...my...GAWD! I think she just made eye contact with me!"
"When we heard about the Empress' plight, Ryan and I both felt it was critical to work out our differences and support her with a solid, united front," stated a tearful Reese Witherspoon. "She needs us right now. I can't tell you how many times that cat has been there for me; it's the least I can do for her."
Other than the temper-tantrum thrown by Paris Hilton, when she was not granted admission to the event, the night was going relatively smoothly. Smoothly, that is, until a group of second-string bloggers were brought in to write a series of posts for "Memoirs of a Feline Empress in Exile."
"I was asked to write in her absence," explained Brach, who is said to be The Empress' brother, but has been rumored to actually be her husband. "Our Agent is furious with her and is not letting her win this time. Since I am a prolific author, in my own right, and Kukka's blogging audience has been demanding to hear more from me, it made perfect sense that I would stand-in for my very selfish, yet super-sexy wif...I mean sister."
"SCAB! SCAAAAAAAAAAAB!" yelled a clearly irate Kukka-Maria, as Brach and the substitute squad of scribes entered the velvet ropes. Waving her middle claw in their general direction, Kukka screamed, "Get the [EXPLETIVE] outta here, you mother-[EXPLETIVE]ing SCAAAAAAAAABS!"
"You can't touch this, Kukka!" giggled a nostalgic MC Hammer, hoping to rejuvenate his lost career by writing a suite of blog posts that recounts details from the days when he was "2 Legit...2 Legit 2 Quit..HEY, HEEEEEEY!"
Pacing back and forth on the red carpet, Kukka glared and hissed at the group of writers. "Et tu, Tom Cruise? You are dead to me! Get the [EXPLETIVE] out of here, you [EXPLETIVE]ing freak!"
"I was excited to get the call from Kukka's Agent this week," disclosed a manic Cruise. "Was I scared out of my skin to go against The Empress? Hell, yes! But Xenu told me I would be safe, as long as I used this opportunity to teach the ways of Scientology to the masses via a strongly-worded blog post I like to call, 'Memories of Being Run Over by a Martian Bishop on My Way to the Planet Nostra 23,064,000,000 Years Ago.' No intelligent person could deny these logical arguments for Scientology!"
Linking arm with arm to keep the scabs from crossing the picket line, Brad Pitt led the chants of "IF YOU WANT MULTIPLE NIPS AND MORE, QUIT TREATING KUKKA LIKE A BLOGGING WHORE!"
Vanilla Ice, anxious for an opportunity to "get his write on," tried drowning out the Empress brigade with his own chant: "ALRIGHT, STOP! COLLABORATE AND LISTEN! ICE IS BACK TO WRITE SOME FICTION!" He was quickly apprehended by police and dragged to the drunk-tank.
By the time things got really ugly, Kukka-Maria was soused in Cosmos and catnip. Picking out clumps of Brach's fur from her claws, a steaming Empress explained her frustration. "I don't know how things got to this level. If my Agent had been thinking clearly, she would have just met my strike demands from the start and we could have avoided this carnage. I make no apologies for my actions this evening. Danny Bonaduce came at me first; I was completely justified in sending him away with a mauled face."
It is unclear whether or not The Empress will take to the computer any time soon and, if she does, she will be sober enough to form complete sentences. One thing is certain: You are either FOR The Empress or AGAINST her.
If you're against her, wear some huge oven mitts when approaching her. She's out for blood.