Wednesday, April 18, 2007

22 Reasons I Believe I Was Kicked Out of The Pussycat Dolls

  1. I refused to wear the standard-issued bustier to contain my multiple nipples, preferring to "let 'em swing." The other girls complained about being struck, repeatedly, by what they called "floppy hoots" and Worker's Comp insurance costs went through the roof!

  2. Because they live on only 800 calories per day, no one wanted to be around me because I constantly whine for treats or am wiping snack drool off my chin with my paw.

  3. I found it difficult to balance on 2 pair of 5" stilettos while unleashing super-sexy, hypnotic pelvic gyrations at the same time.

  4. I was unwilling to meet the groups' grooming standard of sporting the very trendy "bald pussy."

  5. Despite the backlash The Pussycat Dolls receive for being whorish role models, I seemed to out-scandal them with my celebrity feuds (Oprah, Tom Cruise, Star Jones-Reynolds, to name a few...); secret marriage to Brach, who was once thought to be my brother; and my constant public temper tantrums, usually resulting in scratched-up security guards, a urine-soaked red carpet and a drunken arrest.

  6. Everyone knows The Pussycat Dolls are Oprah fans. I ain't havin' that!

  7. Television shows like Letterman, Conan and MTV's TRL refused to pan the camera down past the girls' knees in order to capture me on film and, when I tried to climb onto my band-mates' shoulders, the girls complained that the blood from my scratches was staining their costumes. Come on...a little club soda can remove anything!

  8. The Pussycat Dolls consider themselves "sexy," but hearing me brag about being "super-sexy" got old...quick.

  9. Instead of singing the proper lyric, "Loosen up my buttons, babe," I thought it more appropriate to sing, "Rub my furry belly, babe," causing some of the...less brilliant dolls to forget their own lyrics. And when I say "some," I, of course, mean "all."

  10. Two words: Height Requirement.

  11. The sound techs complained about my huffing and puffing into the headset mic. I can't help it if my costume is a wee bit too snug! That damn seamstress refused to let it out...again!

  12. Tour promoters are down on fat pussies. Discrimination!

  13. I was contractually obligated to steer clear of alcohol, due to too many carbs and I am a loose canon on cocaine and diet pills.

  14. There is no "K" in "TEAM!"

  15. The Pussycat Dolls boast of empowering women and girls (yeah...songs like "Don'tcha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me?" make me feel SO good about myself!), but found my personal empowerment message offensive: "Don't You Wish Your Kitty Was a Slut Like Me?"

  16. The mandated hair extensions took forever to apply to my entire body and I kept tripping over strands of fake, blonde hair.

  17. My nude centerfold layout in Cat Fancy Magazine violated the group's morality clause.

  18. The other girls were jealous at how much attention my beautiful, green, vertically-pupiled eyes were getting in the press.

  19. There are outstanding warrants for me in Florida (no comment), which would prevent me from appearing on certain tour dates.

  20. I insisted on singing louder than the other girls and demanded I be placed at the front of the stage so my fans could fully appreciate my foxiness.

  21. I have a tomcat in every city and was loud about it...if you know what I mean.

  22. Can you say "Nipple Envy?"


The Meezers said...

just sheer plain jealousy on their part. it's a ugly green eyed monster - or so my mommy tolded me when I was frowing tantrums yesterday efurry time i looked at the pikshur of you giving Brach a tongue baf. Mommy saided that I doesn't look good wif green eyes, and alfough you look beautiful wif them, the ofurr pussycat dolls don't. - Miles

DaisyMae Maus said...

Empress ... The Pussycat Dolls have NOTHING on you. I agree with the Meezers: J-E-A-L-O-U-S!!!

Besides, why would you want to front a group of calorically-deficient, room temperature IQ'd, silicon-enhanced, talentless hacks like them anyway?

Purr loud and proud, Kukka! You don't need their drama! And you actually look good nekkid!


Renee said...

OMG! Seriously Kukka you don't wanna be associated with that troop of "ho"s!

she said...

You were robbed! You'll do better avoiding any association with them, they obviously don't know talent when they see it!

Dragonheart said...

Their loss, Kukka-Maria. They clearly envy your beauty and your sense of humour. You are better off without them. I mean, who can live on 800 calories a day!