While I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together (okay, it was only one night, I was very drunk and you just kind of laid there), I just don't think I can continue in this relationship.
Despite your many great qualities, there are several reasons I just don't think we're compatible:
- When my friend told me he could hook me up with world famous pussy, I didn't know he meant you would actually be a cat.
- I know you cats think you can do no wrong, but there's a reason it's called doggy style, you're just not that good.
- You know the joke about fat cats and mopeds? Nuff said...
- OK this next one is a little more complicated. In it's simplest form, it breaks down like this: Your cell carrier is Verizon Wireless, placing you smack-dab in the IN-Network.
I have it on good authority that Verizon's CEO is the anti-Christ and his evil plot to catapult society toward the end of days is founded on the idea of taking away our freedom two years at a time. I mean, when they told me "new every two," I didn't know they meant 2 years! That's a little more commitment than I'm looking for. I mean, take us, for example. You didn't even make it to two dates!
Let's face it. Once you're on-board for two years with no hope for parole, save for a rip-van-winkle'esque early out clause, the idea that the customer is always right or even might be right some of the time goes completely out the window!
Just the other day I was on hold interminably with customer service trying to see if I could find a way to resolve my current phone dilemma. My dilemma? My current phone had a career-ending injury caused by the rapid compression one might experience if, say, a big piece of construction equipment ran you over and pressed you into the earth.
Oddly enough the phone sill works. For your reference, Empress, it's an LG VX6100 and, obviously, it takes a licking (No, Kukka...keep your lady business in check. It's not that kind of licking!) and keeps on ticking. That said, the case is deformed and broken, the screens are both shattered, the belt holster is pancaked and the battery cover is dust.
Okay, back to the "support saga." So, I'm on hold, but the music doesn't come on and I can hear the support people chatting it up:
"I'll bet you $20 my guy hangs up before your guy if we leave them on hold."I could go on but you get the picture. So finally I talk to a script reading drone. There's no chance of trying to work something out with this person because Verizon probably doesn't trust them to choose the flavor jello they eat for lunch, let alone resolve a client issue in a reasonable manner.
"You should see the new pair of boots I got at the mall."
"Does anyone know where I could score some X on the way home?"
My problem, in a nutshell, is that my 2 years is not up until the beginning of July, so if I want a new phone now, I not only have to pay a $20 early upgrade fee but I lose my $100 credit that I would be receiving in July.
So the drone runs me around for a bit, repeatedly explaining the same things over no matter how often I tell them I got it the first time. Eventually, we go the escalation route (not the moving stairs that have contributed to your ever widening nether regions Kukka).
So I get put back on hold and get the elevator music version of Verizon infomercials. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the website which has a completely different price structure than the phone person which has a completely different price structure than the stores. They're trying to confuse you with so many options you don't notice the 2 year noose being slipped around your throat.
After about 10 minutes I wind up talking to an escalation drone supervisor. She also has little to no incentive to actually help me. There's no way I can get a pro-rated version of my $100 credit and my new calendar starts today if I buy a new phone. Soooo, for the sake of less than 3 months, a 10+ year client, who has only upgraded his phone 2 times, loses $120 on this deal AND my clock starts over so I lose 100% of my 87% complete waiting period.
I finally give in and just take it on the chin, because not being able to screen your calls for 3 months just won't fly, Kukka, and now every time you call I'll be reminded of our IN-Network status.
It hurts, Kukka. It hurts...
- Lastly, I'm a dog. Some things just aren't meant to be.
The Cleverest and Most Freakishly Handsome Dog You'll Ever Encounter