Wednesday, April 11, 2007

About Last Night...

Dear John Kukka,

While I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together (okay, it was only one night, I was very drunk and you just kind of laid there), I just don't think I can continue in this relationship.

Despite your many great qualities, there are several reasons I just don't think we're compatible:

  1. When my friend told me he could hook me up with world famous pussy, I didn't know he meant you would actually be a cat.

  2. I know you cats think you can do no wrong, but there's a reason it's called doggy style, you're just not that good.

  3. You know the joke about fat cats and mopeds? Nuff said...

  4. OK this next one is a little more complicated. In it's simplest form, it breaks down like this: Your cell carrier is Verizon Wireless, placing you smack-dab in the IN-Network.

    I have it on good authority that Verizon's CEO is the anti-Christ and his evil plot to catapult society toward the end of days is founded on the idea of taking away our freedom two years at a time. I mean, when they told me "new every two," I didn't know they meant 2 years! That's a little more commitment than I'm looking for. I mean, take us, for example. You didn't even make it to two dates!

    Let's face it. Once you're on-board for two years with no hope for parole, save for a rip-van-winkle'esque early out clause, the idea that the customer is always right or even might be right some of the time goes completely out the window!

    Just the other day I was on hold interminably with customer service trying to see if I could find a way to resolve my current phone dilemma. My dilemma? My current phone had a career-ending injury caused by the rapid compression one might experience if, say, a big piece of construction equipment ran you over and pressed you into the earth.

    Oddly enough the phone sill works. For your reference, Empress, it's an LG VX6100 and, obviously, it takes a licking (No, Kukka...keep your lady business in check. It's not that kind of licking!) and keeps on ticking. That said, the case is deformed and broken, the screens are both shattered, the belt holster is pancaked and the battery cover is dust.

    Okay, back to the "support saga." So, I'm on hold, but the music doesn't come on and I can hear the support people chatting it up:
    "I'll bet you $20 my guy hangs up before your guy if we leave them on hold."
    "You should see the new pair of boots I got at the mall."
    "Does anyone know where I could score some X on the way home?"
    I could go on but you get the picture. So finally I talk to a script reading drone. There's no chance of trying to work something out with this person because Verizon probably doesn't trust them to choose the flavor jello they eat for lunch, let alone resolve a client issue in a reasonable manner.

    My problem, in a nutshell, is that my 2 years is not up until the beginning of July, so if I want a new phone now, I not only have to pay a $20 early upgrade fee but I lose my $100 credit that I would be receiving in July.

    So the drone runs me around for a bit, repeatedly explaining the same things over no matter how often I tell them I got it the first time. Eventually, we go the escalation route (not the moving stairs that have contributed to your ever widening nether regions Kukka).

    So I get put back on hold and get the elevator music version of Verizon infomercials. Meanwhile, I'm looking at the website which has a completely different price structure than the phone person which has a completely different price structure than the stores. They're trying to confuse you with so many options you don't notice the 2 year noose being slipped around your throat.

    After about 10 minutes I wind up talking to an escalation drone supervisor. She also has little to no incentive to actually help me. There's no way I can get a pro-rated version of my $100 credit and my new calendar starts today if I buy a new phone. Soooo, for the sake of less than 3 months, a 10+ year client, who has only upgraded his phone 2 times, loses $120 on this deal AND my clock starts over so I lose 100% of my 87% complete waiting period.


    I finally give in and just take it on the chin, because not being able to screen your calls for 3 months just won't fly, Kukka, and now every time you call I'll be reminded of our IN-Network status.

    It hurts, Kukka. It hurts...

  5. Lastly, I'm a dog. Some things just aren't meant to be.

The Cleverest and Most Freakishly Handsome Dog You'll Ever Encounter


Mojo le Chien said...

Kukka -

OMG, that's too funny (and I have high standards, you well know). All I can hear right now is Justin singing "What Goes Around". Ma chere, after all your cruel ways you were surely due for a righteous Dear Kukka letter.

XOX Mojo

PS Call me next time you are in Marrakesh

Mojo le Chien said...

Dammit "as you well know"! "AS YOU WELL KNOW"!!! Stupid paws, can't type worth a damn.

Cheysuli said...

Kukka, who let the dogs in? What exactly are you doing to the dogs?

I have shamelessly begged for votes for you on my blog for bloggers choice awards and hopefully you'll have enough to make the finals so I can shamelessly plug your blog again.

I'll expect tit for tat when the presidential election comes around...

The Meezers said...

i has voted for you on bloggers choice - and I'm still here for you Kukka. I has verizon too, so you can call me anytime. I will try and figure out how to get the flip fone open to answer. - Miles

K T Cat said...

The most freakishly handsome dog would still be hideous.

Zippy, Sadie and Speedy said...

Ugh, yoor suppose to be royalty. Dating a dog is just sooo wrong. Yoo can be frends with a dog (I am) yoo can be related to a dog (my late adopted brofur, Teddy) and yoo can be aquanted with many dogs (dear Lord, I'm surrounded by them) but yoo cannot DATE A DOG!~Princess Zipporah

Renee said...

Wow! The horrors of dating while drunk. This guy seems extreemly concerned with his stupid cell phone.
I don't think that he is worthy of an Empress.

Zeus said...

You know why they call dogs "dogs"?

Because they're all dawgs.

It's no big surprise this is how this fool acted. I think you can resolve this and save some face by simply smacking him upside his head. Smackity-smack!

Hmm, I seem to be giving that as advice a lot lately. I must have some pent-up anger to deal with...Excuse me.

The Crew said...

Kukka, this dog is trying to blame you for his problems in life. What about YOUR life...where's the sympathy for YOU?

Dogs...(hiss)...this just proves, they're of no use.


freakishly handsome dawg said...

I took the time to explain why I dumped her and everyone wants to be a critic? I should have left her pining by the phone for a call that never comes. Dawg's just can't win.

We didn't really date, we had a one night romp and I had to seriously lower the bar to get in the sack with a chick who has 4 of 8 breasts dragging in the dirt.

Kukka, to use your own words, it's not me it's you.