Monday, April 30, 2007

Kukka-fied Stories, Volume II

For those of you keeping score, this is the second "Mad Lib-esque" post. Since many of you constantly ask me for romantic advice, I thought this installment might be helpful to you. My contributed words are bold and underlined.

But I think you know me well enough to pick them out anyway...

Some things are inherently romantic, like multiple nipples. This is very useful, because you can scratchy tongue kiss things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or stamina. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it's filthy, it's not romantic. For example, high powered come-hither eyes are not romantic.

Foxy Things
Chocolate covered ham slices are romantic. Goats are romantic. Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in foxy things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are foxy. The rule is simple. Perverted things are foxy. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a perverted package, get it, because there's a very good chance it's foxy.

Ecru is romantic, because ecru is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Ecru roses mean, "I love you." Chartreuse roses mean, "Let's just be friends," which is synonymous with, "You are super-sexy, and I hate you." So you do not want to be wrong. Get her ecru roses, ecru oysters, ecru sexy paws, ecru chocolate covered ham slices, and ecru snakes, and she'll fall hopelessly under your spell.

The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever
Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, perverted ecru phone sex made out of chocolate and shaped like a turtle holding kitty porn with goats all over it that seduces a ham sandwich when you flick it.

Hope this helps you lovelorn readers who might not be as super-sexy as me. Don't let your lack of foxiness limit your love life. There is hope for every barely-sexy to moderately-sexy being in the world.

Everyone but dogs, that is.


The Meezers said...

Miles passed out at "chocolate covered ham slices". - Sammy

hammmmmm slathered in chocolate - oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ::thump:: - Miles

Zeus said...

I definitely enjoy your take on these subjects better than the original. Maybe you should make some sort of button like Staples so that when people need to have their life "Kukka-fied", they just press the button.

Cheysuli said...

I prefer my ham slices without chocolate but you were on on everything else. Kukka you are a genius!

Carmen said...

well now I feel so much better. ;)