Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Kukka-Maria allegedly Dannielynn's Mother?

Associated Press (AP): With the DNA results expected today, the tabloid world (CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, all three major network news teams, etc) is abuzz with speculation. Is Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern's father Howard K. Stern? Larry Birkhead? Schlomo Rosenbaum, the Jewish pool boy at her Bahamian resort?

While the paternity of the 7-month old baby has been a huge issue, little has been said about the maternity. Did Anna Nicole Smith really carry this child or did she use a surrogate?

"When Anna Nicole called our home in the fall of 2005, I was a bit shocked," explains Kukka-Maria's Agent. "Anna had won out over Kukka for the Trim Spa campaign due to some concerns about the product causing Feline Leukemia and slowly eroding the feline digestive system into a glob of goo. After Kukka took out her anger on what was then Anna Nicole's wide load, I honestly never expected to hear from Anna again."

When Anna announced her alleged pregnancy on her website, fans were skeptically excited.

"I was glad for Anna...because she seemed to really want another baby. I was concerned, though. Does she know anything about raising a child? Does she realize that babies need more than fluffer-nutters and Red Bull? And what language would she teach the child? English or Gibberish?"

After a few months, rumors began to swirl about how Anna Nicole didn't appear pregnant. While, in her 2nd trimester, she would lovingly caress her stomach for the paparazzi, onlookers couldn't deny the fact her abs were tight and flat. She complained of morning sickness, but only at night...when she would experience some nausea after polishing off a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a family-sized bag of Doritos.

"I deeedn't theeenk Mrs. Anna was pregnant," explains Esperanza Gonzalez, longtime maid for the deceased celebrity. "When she showed me the pregnancy tested, I thought eeet smelled like cat peees--like she had dragged it through a leeeter box! I never said nothing to Mrs. Anna. She would have beeeaten me with the urn holding her dead husband's ashes! I deeedn't want that again!"

"The idea that Kukka-Maria is the mother of Dannielynn is preposterous!" spouts an irate Howard K. Stern. "The idea that I would have 'relations' with a cat makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit." After his advisers share with him that, most of the time, surrogacy doesn't require direct male to female contact, he continues. "Ok, well even though it's done in a petri dish, I'm still saying that Kukka can not be the mother; she looks nothing like Dannielynn!" After his advisers share with him that, most of the time, the surrogate mother is implanted with an already-fertilized egg--not her egg, Howard K. Stern continues. "No comment."

Empress Kukka-Maria has eluded to the possibility that she is possibly tied to the birth of Dannielynn in a tongue-in-cheek blog post called, "Thirteen Things that Prove I am Anna Nicole's Baby's Father." While it was clear she was joking about paternity, might she have been telling us more than we originally thought?

With this drama being the top story on most of the credible news shows (E! Daily News, Inside Edition, Entertainment Tonight, etc.), we are bound to get answers soon.

Kukka-Maria was not available for comment, citing depression over the fact that she has yet to see her precious surrogate daughter, Dannielynn Hope Marshall Stern.

I guess we'll never have the answers!


Renee said...

oh poor Kukka...with the press ever leave you alone? I find it so odd that they keep forgetting that you have been spade.

DaisyMae Maus said...

Well, I guess the media will get the whole story out when Dannielynn's nickname ... "Baby Kukka" ... gets 72 point font on page A-1 above the fold.

Be prepared for an onslaught of interview requests, Empress!

The Meezers said...

Danilynn Hope Marshell Stern Birkhead MEEZER you mean, right?

what mom? I can't be the baby father 'acause I has no balls? crappity crap crap. oh well Kukka, at least the pregnancy didn't make your fabulous breasts sag. - Miles

Zeus said...

You're more giving than I originally thought, Kukka. I never would have guessed you'd be willing to do this for someone. Do I even know you anymore?