Dear Strawberry Muffin Maker,
Thank you. While I typically do not enjoy your cooking (or baking, for that matter), and am thankful you have a fondness for packaged meals, this morning you surprised me. As you slept, I discovered what I now refer to as "ecstasy." As I casually strolled across the kitchen counters, monitoring my turf, I came across a metal pan with twelve little subsections that contained spongy matter in delicate, pleated cups.
At first I was disinterested. You've made these before and I've never deemed them worthy of my attention. This morning, however, due to boredom, extreme hunger or spite, I decided to take a sniff.
Despite the fact they were cool (and they are rumored to smell and taste better when they are warm), I could not resist the urge to snuffle along the edge of the first cup. A sweet odor made its way into my super-foxy nose and I closed my eyes as I inhaled deeply. I couldn't contain the tiny whimper that escaped my throat.
"I love you, Strawberry Muffin," I whispered. Based on the fact he did not respond, I spoke my heart again...only louder. "Strawberry Muffin, I heart you so very much. Will you be my breakfast?"
Before Strawberry Muffin had an opportunity to respond, I began licking him. As my pink, scratchy tongue caressed his toasty brown surface, I began to wonder if our pairing would be accepted by society. And would you, my Agent, approve?
At some point, during my passionate and intimate interaction with Strawberry Muffin, things got rough. "The safe-word is parthenon," I moaned as I stroked his inflated top. I began pawing at him until I flicked him out of the muffin tin and onto the edge of the stove top. He was very brave and never...NEVER cried out.
I began undressing him as quickly as possible. With my teeth, I gently peeled back his paper cloak while enthusiastically nuzzling him with my nose. "You are delectable," I moaned as I began nibbling on his edge. Unable to contain myself and needing better leverage, I batted him onto the floor and leapt to his side.
He stared at me intently as I continued to nibble his delicate parts. The sultry sound of my voice filled his ears as I flirtily murmured, "I fear you're much larger than I can handle!" Though he just laid there, allowing me to violate him in unimaginable ways, I could tell he was thoroughly enjoying the tongue lashing I was unleashing. He was firm. He was moist. He was more than I ever hoped.
After about 4 minutes of devouring his sensuous surface, I suddenly lost interest. A single muffin for The Empress? I would NEVER be tied to a single muffin!
"It was real. It was fun. It's wasn't really fun," I laughed at the muffin, whose name I had already forgotten. "You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here."
I jumped to the counter once more and surveyed the muffin pan. "Well, look at you," I whispered to a super-sexy, blueberry muffin. "Do you clean your paper liner with Windex? Because I can see myself in it..."
You should know, Agent, that I licked every one of those muffins. Do I worry they will talk to one another, compare notes and deem me a slut? No. I have six toms in my Tomcat Stable; I'm not known for my chastity.
I know you took a muffin to work with you. Maybe you didn't know I had my way with that muffin, but my money is on the fact you like sloppy seconds. [Insert evil laugh here.]
Enjoy! I know I did!