Monday, May 07, 2007

27 Reasons Paris Hilton Will HATE Jail

I spent most of the weekend on the phone with Paris Hilton as she cried over her 45-day jail sentence for repeatedly driving on a suspended license. What a shame that we celebrities are used as an "example" for the rest of the world!

Based on our tearful conversation, I've drawn up the following list so you, the run-of-the-mill American, might better understand the struggles we celebs face.

I caution you: It's not pretty. You may want to have some Kleenex handy!

  1. Fendi doesn't make a handbag that matches Prison Orange.

  2. Government-issued granny-panties must be worn at all times.

  3. Orange jumpsuits don't come in size -4.

  4. She'll have no access to her pink gem-encrusted T-Mobile Sidekick; she'll have to use a regular cell phone and only one time per day!

  5. Her cellmate, Yolanda (a.k.a. "Abadesa" or "HBIC").

  6. Stilettos are considered weapons and not allowed. So long, Manolo Blahniks!

  7. Great opportunity for another "leaked" sex tape, but cameras are not permitted in jail.

  8. She's given 3 squares a day, but any meal greater than a single saltine and Diet Red Bull makes her bloated.

  9. Exercise in the courtyard doesn't include Pilates.

  10. 45 DAYS?! How will she get her dark roots touched up?

  11. The orange jumpsuit will guarantee her a spot on Mr. Blackwell's Worst-Dressed List.

  12. No red carpet or flash bulbs between her cell and the mess hall.

  13. With limited visitors, her family will be disappointed the paparazzi out-rank them on the media whore's "approved guest list."

  14. No opportunity to continue drinking and driving on a suspended license.

  15. Prison bitches are not her demographic. In fact, they'll kick her ass because of her wealth and unwarranted fame!

  16. In jail, "Crack Whore" trumps "Media Whore."

  17. Unlike her television show, "The Simple Life," real-life scenes will not be scripted so she'll have no idea how to exist.

  18. She has to be married to get conjugal visits.

  19. Prison guards, not body guards.

  20. Making license plates is a bit different than hands-off consulting on your very own handbag collection.

  21. She might have to learn a valuable life lesson.

  22. A dance-off is not going to keep her from becoming Yolanda's bitch.

  23. She will be overlooked for the leading role in "The Paris Hilton Story" on Lifetime television for women. The role will probably go to Lindsay Lohan.

  24. Her publicist doesn't have enough time to spin the jail story into a feel-good rehab tale.

  25. It's finally Nicole Richie's turn to get the positive press.

  26. 13 year old girls (and intellectually stunted grown women) everywhere will strive to drive on suspended licenses just to be more like their idol.

  27. The term "Fire Crotch" will take on a new meaning!


Gemini said...

Oh Kukka--you've given this a lot of thought. I hope you've never spent time in the slammer...

The Meezers said...

oooooo, i guess my definition and her definition of fire crotch are different. huh go figure. - Miles

Renee said...

I was watching a special on the TV guide channel about Paris going to the slammer. The lawyer said that it smells really bad there and that the food is terrible.

Poor Paris. You know she'll do a Lifetime movie about this when she's released.

Unlike the attorney on the special, I don't think the Judge was trying to make an example of her...I think the judge was trying to teach her a lesson. "The RULES DO APPLY TO YOU!"

NOLADawn said...

Kukka, how did you last so long on the phone with her?? You are amazing!

DaisyMae Maus said...

Boo hoo, Hilton. Boo ... frickin' ... hoo!

Jacob the Syrian Hamster said...

No pilates? Well, at least she'll be able to do the yoga. I mean, they do have yoga, don't they?

Zeus said...

I'm very content with the judge's decision to send this attention-seeking, borderline mentally unfit, trashy, skanky, ....

I could probably go on and on.

Needless to say, I hope Yolanda royally abuses her bitch in there. That would be HILARIOUS.

Terrific list, Kukka! I especially enjoyed how it's now Nicole's turn for the spotlight. Classic.

Carmen said...

poor little paris hilton. Waaaah. I fell so sorry for her (not). Now if YOU went to jail, Kukka, we'd have to bring out our FREE KUKKA shirts.

The Crew said...

Why does the media think we, as a felines, care about where this Paris person spends her time? We don't. Neither does Mom and judging by the comments, neither does anyone else!!
Ha, PH, ha!