Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Empress Farts; Fort Falls

Associated Press (AP): Some say it was an air biscuit gone bad. Others insist is had to have been a full-fledged hurricane. No matter what it was, when it hit the living room of Empress Kukka-Maria's home yesterday, it left the place in shambles. With The Agent was safe at work and out of harm's way, celebrity blogger, Kukka, and her husband, Brach, we thought to have perished amidst the rubble.

"I came home to find the entire house in disarray," explained Kukka's Agent. "While the laundry, piled on the floor in front of the washer and dryer is all about me and my negligence, the rest of the scene makes me tremble, just thinking about it. Well, wait. I guess it is me who left all those books on the coffee table and my water glass from the night before. And I supposed I am responsible for all of the shoes scattered across the floor. But still! It looks HORRIBLE in here!"

Initial reports suggested The Empress was sleeping inside her fort when the storm hit.

"Oh, there was no sleep happening," snickered Kukka. "Let's just say I may or may not have been entertaining one or more super-sexy tomcats in my love den. When the fort started shaking, I thought things were just heating up!"

Brach, The Empress' long-time companion and husband, was concerned.

"I know that when Kukka is entertaining guests in her fort, I'm not supposed to interrupt. The toy mouse hanging over the doorway is our signal for me to stay away," explained Brach. "When I heard the loud crash in the living room, though, I felt I needed to go to her to ensure her safety."

"All I know is that I'm entertaining members of my Tomcat Stable and suddenly my husband is cockblockknocking at the door. What a buzzkill!"

Several Tomcat Stable Members, despite being told by Kukka that she and Brach have an "open relationship," felt uneasy when the ginger hero showed up at the door to rescue everyone.

"Not only was it weird that her husband showed up, it was even more difficult when I realized Brach's logical explanation of the rolling fog trumped Kukka's super-sexiness," divulged one Tomcat Stable Member, who wished to remain anonymous. "There is no good way to tell The Empress, in all of her multiple-nippled glory, that you are far more concerned with saving your own ass from her ridiculously strong and foul farts, than kissing hers! I mean, the bitch has claws!"

Emergency personnel on the scene cleared all of the Sexy Tomcats from the room and, despite his whines to stay with his wife, moved Brach to safety. No sooner had the area been vacated and secured, the room fell silent.

The fort was tipping over--with The Empress inside.

"I screamed like a little girl and when I saw that fort tipping and knew Kukka was inside," cried ExotikSteve, a volunteer firefighter/stripper. "Ironically, I don't do well in emergency situations. Whether it's a building on fire or a man jingling my junk as he sticks singles into my banana-hammock, I start to shake all over. Watching the destruction of Fort Kukka had me a cold sweat!"

There was silence throughout the room after the fort crumbled. Necks craned, trying to get a glimpse of any sign of life from The Empress. Suddenly, her face popped through one of the windows.

"KUKKA!" shrieked Brach. "GET OUT OF THERE!"


"Kukka," screamed ExotikSteve through a megaphone as he ran his fingers through his gray locks, gyrated his pelvis and adjusted his g-string. "You really need to come out here!" Turning to Brach, ExotikSteve giggles, "I'm so scared right now, I think I just peed a little!"

"I AM NOT COMING OUT!" Kukka was stubborn.

"Give me the megaphone, for crying out loud," mumbled The Agent. "KUKKA-MARIA! YOU GET OUT OF THERE THIS INSTANT, DO YOU HEAR ME? KUKKA! GET OUT! KUKK..." Stopping to stare her cat down and regroup for an instant, The Agent cleverly changed her game.

"Kuuuuuuukkaaaaaaa," she crooned in the sweestest and most soothing version of her voice. "Kuuuuuuukkaaaaaaa, do you want some treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeats?"

Climbing out of the rubble, Kukka trotted to the kitchen without a bit of hesitation. With one powerful swoop, her Agent lifted the fort and stood it against the wall once again.

"There! Problem fixed! All it took was the promise of treats and a moderately strong woman to correct everything. Now can you people all leave my house? This is hardly news-worthy shit."

There have already been whispers among A-Lists celebrities to hold a "Hurricane Kukka Telethon" to raise money for brackets that could be attached to the fort and then to the wall. prventing s tragedy like this from occurring again.

No telethon date has been confirmed.


NOLADawn said...

Thank goodness you're safe :)

The Crew said...

OMG, Kukka, we can't bear to think about what might have happened if Brach had not rescued you. Good work, Brach!!

No doubt all the "A" list celebs will waive their usual fee in their eagerness to perform at the Hurricane Kukka Telethon.

Cheysuli said...

Thank goodness you're safe Kukka!

The Meezers said...

::whispers:: - I wasn't scairt Kukka. Me and Brach is buds, so he doesn't scare me eifurr. The only fing I was terrified of was ExoticSteve - he kept jingling his underwear fing in my face and asking for dollar bills. It was horrifing!!! - Miles

Renee said...

I'm very concerned about ExotikSteve too. It seems that he has some sort of abnormal swelling in the bikini area as we all know that no man is built with enough to fill that sized g-string. ;) Maybe he should go see a doctor...or just stop storing extra socks in there.

mcabty said...

Way to go Kukka, bringin' down the house! You soooo ROCK!